Farmingshow Blog

Something to Occupy your mind …

2012-01-23T09:00:00.001-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I went to see the new Steven Spielberg movie, War Horse. I thoroughly recommend this epic tale of a thoroughbred horse named Joey. Reared on a Devon farm, it follows the horse’s journey through the horrors of World War One and the people he touched along the way. It culminates when he eventually reunites with Albert, the young farm boy who trained him (and who ultimately followed him to war in search of his beloved horse).

As I was walking through Dunedin’s picturesque Octagon to the movie theatre, I couldn’t help but notice the dead grass courtesy of our friends from the Occupy movement who had spent the best part of the previous three months camped there, smoking dubious substances, peeing on the grass and protesting about our capitalist system.

Because I was on my way to see a movie about, amongst other things, the rat-infested trenches and the atrocities of the Great War, I got to thinking about my grandfather Hugh.
He served at Gallipoli and on the Western Front and returned a bitter, not better, man for the experience. But he served his country because he was fighting, like all those brave souls, for democracy. As I wandered, I couldn’t help wondering what Hughie would have made of the Occupy movement?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not such a red-neck, right winger that I can’t see protesting has its place. It was indeed right to protest against the Vietnam War. In hindsight it was totally right to protest against the 1981 Springbok tour and it’s right to protest against such wrongs as starvation, sweated-labour and the lack of democracy in the likes of North Korea, Zimbabwe and Libya. Where I struggle with the Occupy movement is what they’re actually protesting about.

They claim to be protesting for a resource-based and sharing economy where capitalism is abolished. Yet, if Dunedin is anything to go by, they’re happy to take their tax-payer funded three statutory breaks for Xmas and accept the dole or sickness benefit funded by a capitalist system. My grandfather spent months marooned on the beaches at Anzac Cove. I doubt those blokes took three weeks off at the height of summer to go the beach! They were stuck on theirs.

On the Tuesday morning of last week I went for a coffee, funded I might add by selfish capitalist ways, and the Occupy protestors, who had reappeared the day before following their Christmas sabbatical, were gone from the Octagon. In a city where some short-sighted souls moan about the cost of the magnificent Forsythe Barr Stadium, there seems to have been barely a whimper about the $4000 the ratepayers have had to fork out to re-grass the Octagon. Don’t even start me on the fact that this most public of public spaces, was unavailable to the public for nigh on three months.

Maybe I’m missing the point and maybe the Occupiers have a point. But we live in a tough world. A world, whether you like it or not, where you have to pay your way, as Greece and much of the debt-ridden Euro zone is finding out.

Capitalism is far from perfect and a lot of greedy people are ripping off the system. But I’m damn sure it’s a better bet than the communal, hippy, happy-clapping, group-hugging, resource-sharing model proposed by the Occupiers.

Finally, while I’m reminiscing about family, I can’t help but think of my late father Alec. He was old school, hard-arse even. He didn’t like Vietnam war protestors in the 1960s - called them “hairy mongrels”. He couldn’t even abide All Blacks, the likes of Bob Burgess, with long hair. What would he have made of Occupiers?

“Get a haircut and get a real job” springs to mind. ENDS>

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

Something to Occupy your mind …

2012-01-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

A long time between drinks!

2012-01-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: A long time between drinks!

They say a week is a long time in politics. Well a month is certainly a long time in farming, especially when it hasn’t rained for over a month. Last month (Dec 5) in this very column I wrote “The top of the country has been on the lookout for rain. The bottom end has had it in bucketfuls. And the bits in the middle are looking an absolute picture!”

Six weeks later and the weather gods have done a complete about face. The bits in the middle are still looking a picture, the top has been inundated with rain while Southland and Otago have gone from a wet November to a screaming January drought. Rain is forecast for the region as I write. I hope when you read this the drought is past tense.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The US Presidential Primaries.

While John Key holidays in Hawaii, the man with the name to warm the heart of Kiwi sheep farmers, Mitt Romney, has done the business in Iowa and New Hampshire. But is America ready to elect a Mormon money man accused of being a former corporate raider? They elected a black man but he had substance and charisma. The jury is out as to whether Romney has either of those qualities.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: SBW refuses to go away.

When our attention should be focused on the Australia/India test in Perth, two wonderful Manchester soccer sides, the tennis in Auckland and the domestic twenty/20 competition, we’re being sidetracked yet again by the Sonny Bill sideshow. The NZRU is acting like a lovesick puppy and SBW is wagging the dog. With the likes of McCaw, Carter, Smith and cockies Hore and Woodcock, the All Blacks have some wonderful role models and ambassadors. The Sydney Roosters are welcome to SBW.

# Brickbat: The Auckland Wharfies.

Good on Fonterra for taking its business elsewhere. The rhetoric coming from the union leaders reeks of that dreadful period in industrial relations, the 1970s and 80s, when New Zealand ground to a halt on occasions because of the bloody-minded attitude of unions. Farming was especially hard hit with the meat industry bordering on the farcical at times.
Been there, done that. No thanks this time round.

# Bouquet: My Mum.

Santa brought me some brand-spanking new Taylor Made golf clubs. This should have made for a merry Christmas with plenty of golf and the prospect of a happy new year (inflicting yet more defeat and embarrassment upon Steve Wyn-Harris on some golf course somewhere around the country). But it wasn’t a happy new year because my mum passed away on January 2.

I lost my father 33 years ago and that was tough because I was just a pup. But nothing prepares you for losing your mother. I guess it’s the maternal bond. She brought you into the world and you have to sit around helplessly watching while she departs it. Mum was born at the height of the Great Depression and spent her formative years in the dark shadow of World War II. Mum was tough. She had to be. Her father deserted the family and her mother tragically died when she was young. She made it her life’s work to make sure we never endured the same fate.

Her last days were spent in an under resourced health system that seems to think sickness takes a break on statutory holidays. Thankfully she was surrounded by her four children because doctors were few and far between. This is not an indictment of the wonderful health professionals who staff our hospitals, rather it’s a sad commentary on their lack of numbers.

My resolution for 2012, other than beating Wyn-Harris, is to use every publicity resource at my disposal to hold the government to account for a health system that needs more money, not less. Austerity is the buzz word for 2012 and we can all expect belt-tightening to be the order of the day, with government leading the way. But health spending is like eyeballs and the other balls on the rugby paddock. Sacrosanct! Not to be touched. Watch out John and Bill. Me and mum are on your case.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

Sheep farmers fight back!

2011-12-19T09:00:00.000-08:00

# Big Farming Story of the Year: Sheep farmers fight back!

Dairy farmers had a great year with a record payout. Kiwifruit growers had a shocker thanks to Psa. Grain farmers enjoyed good returns and horticulturalists, as always, worked hard for every cent Mother Nature allowed them to earn. The wine industry battled. And for most farmers, 2011 was climatically much kinder than 2010.

2011 belonged, though, to a species that has been threatened by extinction in recent times - the sheep farmer. To paraphrase David Attenborough, this hardy sub-species of farmers had been driven to the hills and rocky outcrops by the more dominant of the genus, the dairy farmer. But no more. Sheep farmers enjoyed record lamb and mutton prices, with wool nearly doubling in value. Dairy farming will remain our biggest earner but sheep, beef and venison farmers are fighting back and some form of equilibrium is returning. The meat industry, though far from perfect in structure, is doing some really good things. Now if only the wool industry could get its act together ….

# Big Political Story of the Year: The Christchurch Earthquake.

February 22, 2011 was our 9/11. It’s forever etched in our minds, where we were and what we were doing, when the fatal quake struck just before 1pm. More than 180 brave souls were lost. A city fell to its knees. A government had to figure out how to pay for a $20-30 billion dollar rebuild. That a left-leaning city party-voted National is a testament to the handling of the crisis by John Key and Gerry Brownlee. Let’s also not forget local government. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Bob Parker, you are the man!

# Big Sporting Story of the Year: The Rugby World Cup.

Behind the Christchurch Earthquake, this was the biggest story of the year. The RWC even superseded the GFC (Global Financial Crisis - don’t you just love acronyms) because its feel-good factor overcame a lot of the negativity and gloom created by the latter. We love you Richie!

# Brickbat of the Year: Political correctness prevails.

This is a social blight I’d hoped would dissipate with the disbandment of the Helen Clark nanny state. Unfortunately it still rears its ugly head. The Labour party remained guilty of it when it came to selecting potential deputy leaders. Sure New Zealand politics is still dominated by white middle-aged males but two wrongs don’t make a right. Candidates for any office should be selected on merit, not race and gender in a PC sop to equality.

The Occupy movement that has polluted our main city centres for the past three months deserves special mention for the PC way the authorities have handled the situation with kid gloves. And let’s not forget the West Coast snails that were relocated and refrigerated at a cost of $600,000 by Solid Energy. All the while, the debate continued over the cost of retrieving the Pike River 29. Where’s the logic in that?

An honorary brickbat mention must go to Sean (show me the money) Fitzpatrick and some plonker in the Telecom marketing department for the disastrous abstinence campaign around the RWC, which lasted about four days before it was pulled! No pun intended.

# Bouquet of the Year: Humble Pie never tasted so good!

While the efforts of the Farmy Army in Christchurch were nothing short of sensational the plaudits in 2011 belong to Graham Henry. Half the country, and I’m guessing 75% of the rural population, did not want him to coach the All Blacks after the Cardiff capitulation in 2007. Henry showed considerable nerve and steely resolve to put his name forward again when most of us thought there was a ready-made replacement in Robbie Deans. In the end Henry’s tenacity was matched by that of his team and the All Blacks prevailed on pure heart.

Post RWC we saw a side of Henry most of us had not witnessed during his eight year reign. We liked it and it dawned upon us why the players liked him. Apparently the players also like new coach Steve Hansen. We need to try to do likewise. Sure, it will never be the man-love many of us have for Richie but I hope he gives us reason not to dislike him in 2012.

If February 22 was our nadir, October 23 was our zenith. And for that we can thank Henry.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

A good week for farming

2011-12-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: A good week for farming.

The Fonterra Global Dairy Trade Event up 2.6%! Kiwifruit Green showing some much-needed resistance to Psa! Good rains where it was dry! Grass for Africa! A good week for farming!

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Labour leadership wrangle.

No one quite does in-fighting and back-stabbing like the Labour Party. Just think back to the Lange-Douglas rift or the attempted Cullen coup to unseat Clark. So it’s nice to see the tradition continuing in the current leadership scrap between the two Davids, Cunliffe and Shearer. I’ve no doubt Cunliffe’s a very smart man. But he’s also a very smarmy man. Most of us never get to meet our leading politicians face-to-face. If we did, most of us would probably adjudge them to be personable and, in some cases, charming. However, perception is reality and what we see on television is how we judge them. Cunliffe is not a man you readily warm to. If you believe rumours then that lack of affection for him is an emotion also experienced by many of his caucus colleagues. For that reason alone, David Shearer will be the Labour leader announced this week.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Black Caps.

No other New Zealand sporting team, not even the Warriors at their woeful worst, suffers anything near the derision and scorn that is heaped upon the Black Caps. Their self-destructive capitulation in the face of a reasonably average Australian side in the Brisbane test saw the rabid and feral, whom constitute a good portion of the talkback population, go into overdrive. The Black Caps’ cause was not helped by the pre-match expectation they would match the Baggy Greens or maybe even beat them at the Gabba for the first time since Richard Hadlee’s virtuoso performance in 1985.

The other problem they face is, for some illogical reason, cricket seems to be our second national sport behind rugby. This despite the fact we’re patently not much good at test cricket, if you excuse brief periods under Geoff Howarth and Stephen Fleming’s stewardship when we were genuinely competitive on the world stage. Add to that the envy factor of the bizarre money some of them get in the Indian IPL and you have a recipe for talkback “open season” on the Black Caps.

# Brickbat: The SBW Tail wagging the NZRU Dog.

I know I sound like a broken record but I wish Sonny Bill Williams would make up his mind whether he’s an All Black or a boxer? He’s a brilliant athlete, not a bad All Black but an average boxer fighting pretty average punch bags. And that’s a very generous description of the underwhelming, overweight, sickness beneficiary who was his last victim. SBW will never be taken seriously until he climbs through the ropes and goes toe-to-toe with someone who can hit back. Shane Cameron was once a heavyweight contender. These days he’s dropped a weight division or two and some would say he’s dropped his punching power as a result. There’s nothing to stop him moving back up even if his weight doesn’t. The Mountain Warrior versus SBW? Now there’s a fight I would pay to watch.

# Bouquet: Girl Power.

I had the very good fortune to be invited to Fight for Life in Auckland. Although the food and the booze could have been of a better quality considering the price of the tickets (in excess of $10,000 for some tables of 10) the boxing entertainment could not be faulted. Unlike previous years where some media hacks and wannabe celebrities were woefully underprepared to enter the ring, the combatants this time round were all athletes in their own right who had prepared superbly. Fight of the night though, was Hayley Holt up against Paige Hareb. I’ve always been skeptical of female boxing, a bit like blokes playing netball, not really the “done” thing. However, Holt and Hareb had me eating humble pie, which could well have been a tastier option than the overpriced lamb shank I chewed on! I doubt there’s a gutsier athlete in the country than the diminutive surfer Hareb. I wonder if she can bat, bowl or catch? Perhaps she should catch a wave to Hobart!

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

A country of two halves

2011-12-05T09:00:00.000-08:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: A country of two halves.

The top of the country has been on the lookout for rain. The bottom end has had it in bucketfuls. And the bits in the middle are looking an absolute picture! Having recently journeyed through North Otago, South Canterbury, Mid Canterbury and Canterbury I can report that Mother Nature is doing a splendid job of keeping the irrigators redundant.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Election.

The result was no surprise. What was more surprising was the difficulty John Key faced in getting a stable majority and a clear mandate to govern. Despite the National Party producing its best performance at the polls since 1951 (when it received a ringing endorsement of its handling of the waterfront strike) it effectively only has a clear majority of one. Sure, the Nats can probably rely on the support of Maori Party but the latter’s natural home is the left not the right.

The early indication is we’ve decided, in our collective wisdom, to stick with MMP as our preferred electoral system. While I agree returning to FPP (First Past the Post) would be a step backward, I can’t agree with a political system that allows a one-trick pony to potentially hold a government to ransom. A degree of proportional representation is desirable but not when it is out of all proportion.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The All Blacks coach.

At the time of writing, two key sporting events - namely the first cricket test against Australia and the New Zealand Golf Open - were just getting underway. So this week I’m plumping for the All Blacks coaching job. Much like the election, Steve Hansen finds himself in a similar situation to John Key – almost certain to win but unsure of his coalition partners. The interest around the inevitable Hansen appointment will focus on whether he’s allowed to surround himself with his mates or whether the NZRU puts the likes a Vern Cotter in there to keep him honest.

The other great sporting spectacle should be the battle for the Labour leadership. This brutal confrontation has the potential to make Roman gladiators look like shrinking gladioli. The only difference is the gladiators prefer to eyeball their opponents when they’re knifing them. I will be intrigued to see whether Smarmy David, Charmless David or David Who prevails.

# Brickbat: The million Kiwis who never bothered to vote.

People are fighting and dying in the streets of Egypt and Libya for the right to vote. Meanwhile one million of us could not be bothered to exercise our democratic right. Only 68.8% of those eligible cast their vote, the lowest in percentage terms since 1887. Back then, obviously, getting to the polling booth would have been a much more arduous task, whether by horse or on foot. It was a task only endured by men as women had to wait until 1893 to get their say. And a cynic, not me, would say they haven’t stopped since!

# Bouquet: John Key.

Anyone who doubted he is the most popular politician in the country, need look no further than his electorate of Helensville for resounding proof. No man or woman received more votes (23,473). No one had a bigger majority (19,116). The election campaign was based almost solely on Key’s presidential appeal. Other “key” ministers such as Bill English, Gerry Brownlee and Tony Ryall were barely sighted.

As an interesting aside, National’s Amy Adams (Selwyn) and Ryall (Bay of Plenty) were the next highest pollers at 22,669 and 22,055, respectively, and their mammoth majorities give them the second and third safest seats in the country. By comparison in the arch-conservative Clutha Southland, English could only muster 19,726 votes! Which was 18,978 more votes than former Federated Farmers president, and Act candidate, Don Nicolson got in the bluest of all National safe seats!

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

Election

2011-11-28T09:00:00.000-08:00

There’s only been one story in the past week and that has been the election. By the time you read this, hopefully a new government will have been formed with a clear mandate to govern. So without further ado, here are the Farming Show Gongs as we pay tribute to the best and worst of Election 2011:

# The IRB Award for truncating the election campaign:

Goes to Richie McCaw. For seven glorious World Cup-filled weeks rugby took centre stage, leaving the politicians just five weeks to strut their stuff with their artillery of clichés, slogans and political-speak. If I hear “moving forward together for a better New Zealand for all New Zealanders” again, I think I’ll do something fatalistic such as jump from a high building or listen to a Peter Dunne party political broadcast. Come to think of it, I could really punish myself and get a Peter Dunne haircut.

# The Jerry Maguire Award for best line of the election campaign:

It was probably pre-rehearsed and a bit corny (like Tom Cruise himself) but John Key’s “show me the money” takes the money as the most memorable quip of the campaign. All of which confirms just how dull the rest of the politicians are!

# The Basil Fawlty “I mentioned the war but I think I got away with it” Award:

Goes to Key and John Banks for the woefully weak cup of tea in Epsom. This highly-staged, unmitigated PR disaster may well prove terminal for the Act Party and it opened the door for you know who.

# The Grumpy Grizzly Bear Award for a triennial awakening from a hibernating slumber:

Goes to Winston for doing it - yet again. Three weeks out from polling, Winnie the Poo was in the crap. Then the great defender of the elderly and those with dementia was gifted Cuppa-gate. Winston is nothing if not an opportunist.

# The “unadulterated flop of the campaign” Award:

Goes to the dithering Doctor Don Brash who, on occasion, appeared to be taking his liberal stance on cannabis a step further. Well he had to be smoking something?

# The “I couldn’t bring myself to vote for him, but gee I’m beginning to respect him” Award:

Goes to Dr Russel Norman. I could never take the Greens seriously when Sue Bradford and Nandor Tanczos were flying the flag but Norman is a breath of fresh air (and fresh air was a precious commodity if you stood too close to Nandor). Not since the passing of Rod Donald have the Greens had a (co) leader mainstream Kiwis could relate to. Politically New Zealand needs a green conscience and there’s an ever-increasing itch to be scratched there. I wonder if Norman is smart enough to get into the tent and pee out (in an environmentally-friendly way of course).

# The NZTA Award for failure to stop:

Goes to Phil Goff. Nice bloke. Shame he doesn’t use a full stop occasionally.

# The Steve Hansen Charm Award:

Goes to Hone Harawira by a nose from his Mana Party deputy dogs, Sue Bradford and John Minto.

# The “Labour politician I could vote for” Award:

Goes to the likeable West Coaster Damien O’Connor. I don’t think he should be holding his breath waiting to be the Minister of Agriculture this time round but he does have some redeeming features. He’s from a heartland rural background, he’s run his own business and he’s resolutely refused to join the “self-serving unionists and gaggle of gays” that he famously claimed dominate the Labour party list.

# The “We’ve come a long way since Marilyn Waring, Ruth Richardson and Helen Clark” Award:

Although the aforementioned three were hardly catwalk models, they were all possessed of powerful intellects. The above award therefore goes to the Auckland Central babes, Nikki Kaye and Jacinda Adern. I’ve got no idea how smart they are but they certainly add some much-needed billboard appeal to an election dominated (still) by bland middle-aged white males.

# The “Glass is half-full to overflowing” Optimists Award:

Goes to the Alliance, Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis, Conservative, Democrats for Social Credit and Libertarianz parties for going to the trouble of submitting a party list when Saddam Hussein, Muammar Gaddafi and Michael Jackson have more chance of forming a party and getting someone into the New Zealand parliament.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

Food production is good business

2011-11-21T09:00:00.000-08:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: Food production is good business.

Last week’s 2.6% lift in Fonterra’s Global Dairy Trade Event was a pretty good outcome considering Europe is on the verge of economic meltdown. The world’s a messy place but people still have to eat. A recent Rabobank report on food supply suggested, in the next 40-50 years, the world needed to double agri-commodity supply with access to only about half of the current land, water and mineral resources. Delivering what is effectively a four-fold improvement is the great challenge facing farmers. All of which suggests food production is a great business to be in.

# Big Political Story of the Week: A Storm in an Epsom Tea Cup!

There’s no doubt the normally unflappable John Key has been rattled somewhat by “cuppa-gate”. Could this be the game-changer Phil, Russel, Winston and Hone are looking for? If that is the case, my problem with MMP is that conceivably we could end up with a Prime Minister who is the preferred PM of just 10% of the country. His party has maybe 30% popular support, yet he could stitch together an unholy alliance where Winston Peters, Hone Harawira and Sue Bradford hold the balance of power. I rest my case.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Tiger’s back and Zac’s been a dumb back.

Tiger Woods is no angel but his return to golf is heaven-sent for TV ratings. When Tiger’s on the charge, as he was in the Australian Open, there are few more exhilarating sights in sport. Whether Zac Guildford will be sighted again in his sport at the top level is now in his own hands.

Most of us have been guilty of doing stupid things under the influence of alcohol. But most of us don’t have a lucrative All Blacks career hanging in the balance as a result. Guildford lost his father in tragic circumstances. But I know from experience he’s not the first 19 year old to have suffered that fate. He needs to put that behind him and gainfully use his God-given gifts or risk spending the rest of his life staring at the bottom of a bottle, wondering what if?

# Brickbat: Endangered Snails.

I really worry about society’s priorities! Recently 800 rare giant snails got a frosty reception when they met their maker after a fridge malfunctioned, making them frozen escargot. Solid Energy had spent $600,000 removing 6000 snails from harm’s way at its opencast mine at Stockton on the West Coast. 4000 of those snails had since been re-released.

So what was the big deal when 800 got the cold shoulder? As Jim Hopkins so eloquently put it on the Farming Show last week, there are separate breeds of rare snails up every valley on the Coast because they’re too slow to climb the hills and breed with those in the next gulley!

Is the world a worse place for the loss of the 800 snails? No! Would that $600,000 be better spent on kids who go to school without breakfast and with little hope of lunch? Yes! I rest my case.

# Bouquet: Nadia Lim.

Seemingly every time you turn on the telly these days you’re confronted with a reality cooking show. So it was with some scepticism I fronted up, as the parent of a diabetic, to MC a promotional event for World Diabetes Day where the celebrity guest was Master Chef winner Nadia Lim. Having never watched the show, I half-expected some sort of reality show bimbo who could barely boil a saveloy.

What I encountered could not have been more contrary. Nadia Lim is an intelligent, articulate and vivacious young woman. Obviously, the dietician with the A-plus grades is a great cook but more importantly she is doing pioneering work for the Diabetes Foundation. Some of us despair on occasion about the younger generation. The Nadia Lims of this world fill me with great hope.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

Aussie ETS

2011-11-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: Aussie ETS.

Julia Gillard has bravely tread where John Keys fears to go, with the implementation of, effectively, a full-blown Emissions Trading Scheme across the ditch. This will undoubtedly make the most unpopular Prime Minister in Australian history even more unpopular and ultimately cost her the top job for going back on her word.

I dislike the imprecise science behind the ETS and the all-encumbering cost it will potentially impose on agriculture. It hasn’t been a huge election issue this year but, as sure as God made little green environmentalists, you can wager it will be a major issue in the 2014 campaign.

National clearly has no intention of including agriculture in its ETS. Labour and the Greens have unequivocally laid their cards on the other side of the table. This country needs to make a philosophical decision on the importance of agriculture to our economy and vote accordingly.

# Big Political Story of the Week: Epsom.

The polls are suggesting National could govern alone. But bet your best farm boots the poll will narrow on Election day and John Key will need the safety net that is the Act Party. Sure Act is polling abysmally, and John Banks might only bring Don Brash into parliament with him if he wins Epsom, but if the only real right wing party is obliterated off the political landscape in 2011, then National could be in real trouble in 2014.

Two weeks out from the election, one of the most intriguing questions will be whether John Key gives the good folk of Epsom the official nod and wink. If the accident-prone Act party is to survive, Key needs to put the kettle on and have that cup of tea with Banks. I wonder if Brash will be invited to smoko?

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Smokin’ Joe Frazier dies.

Those of us on the wrong side of 50 will fondly remember the golden era of heavyweight boxing when Muhammad Ali, George Foreman and Smokin’ Joe ruled, literally, with iron fists.

If you think there’s a bit of antagonism and angst between ‘Stevie’ Williams and Tiger Woods over race comments, it’s nothing compared to bitterness that existed between Frazier and Ali in the 1970s. Smokin’ Joe supported Ali financially when he was exiled from boxing for refusing the draft to fight in Vietnam. Ali repaid him with cruel taunts about being an “Uncle Tom” - a sellout to the white man. Has history repeated with Williams also biting the hand that fed him?

# Brickbat: The Welfare System.

Campbell Live did a piece the other night on the welfare system and how a solo mother of eight children was faring. The poor, disheveled, uneducated woman was hardly living on the pig’s back but nor should she be as a state-dependent. The welfare system should be a safety net not a chosen profession.

To make matters worse, this obvious drain on society had a Sky satellite dish on her roof. Oblivious to how this might offend many hard-working Kiwi families who can’t afford pay TV, she claimed Sky was for educational purposes for her children. Once again, any parent will tell you young kids, left to their own devices, will always choose Cartoon TV over the National Geographic channel any day. I agree the state has an obligation to see her children don’t starve but the brutal reality is baby-farming should not be a bona-fide paid profession.

# Bouquet: Philanthropists.

There’s an old saying – it’s better to give than receive. Anyone who has ever given freely of their time or dipped into their pockets for a good cause can attest to that.

Bill Gates is the world’s foremost philanthropist. Closer to home we’ve got the likes of Sir Stephen Tindall and in the south we’ve got Sir Eion Edgar, the man whose sharebroking company is the name behind the new Forsyth Barr Stadium in Dunedin.

While most of us can only aspire to such benevolence, it’s a worthy aspiration. The older I get, the more I want to give. A sure sign of self-awareness of one’s mortality ahead of judgement day at the drafting gates at the Pearly Gates!

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

Grass and Moustaches

2011-11-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: Grass and Moustaches.

They’re both growing like crazy. Long live the long grass! Farmers make money when it grows. And long live those who grow a mo to change the face of men’s health. It’s not too late to go to http://nz.movember.com and do your bit and it’s not too late to go to your doctor and get your bits checked out.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The gloves come off!

After nearly three years of (metaphorically) being kicked all round the playground by the bigger and smarter kid Key, fearless Phil finally lived up to his moniker and fought back in the first of the leaders debates. While a majority of pundits awarded the bout to John Key in a points decision, it was refreshing to see Phil Goff show some of the fight and oratory he is renowned for in the House. Both leaders were guilty of being slightly clichéd sloganeers. Both are much better when they speak off the cuff and from the heart.

Goff finds himself in a situation not too dissimilar to that of Paul Newman and Robert Redford in that famous final scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. There won’t be a happy ending but he can go out all guns blazing!

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Ted retires!

I have to put my hand up and freely admit I was one of the 50% of the New Zealand rugby public who wanted Graham Henry gone after the Cardiff collapse in the quarter-finals of the 2007 Rugby World Cup. While Sir Brian Lochore and Laurie Mains decided their own fate, we showed Grizz Wyllie and John Hart no mercy in 1991 and 1999, respectively. Both were very good coaches and both made it one round deeper into the tournament than Henry, but that counted for nought when it came to the cull. Heck, even jovial John Mitchell did better in 2003.

The NZRU had the peoples’ favourite and a ready-made replacement waiting in the wings in the form of Robbie Deans but his obvious credentials were ignored as Steve Tew and Co made the unprecedented step of reappointing a losing coach. History, albeit by a coat of paint on the goalposts, proved them right. Henry now retires as arguably the greatest coach in rugby union history. No man has coached more games of test rugby and his 85.4% success rate with the All Blacks over such a long period, in an era that included a very strong Springboks side, will possibly never be bettered.

Yes, he was damned lucky to get a second chance. But his tenacity should be a lesson to us all, as should his example of grabbing that second chance with both hands.

# Brickbat: The Octagon Occupiers.

I can’t speak for the other main centres but Dunedin, where I’m based, has had a gutsful of a pack of largely unemployed dropkicks protesting about the rest of us who get out of bed in the morning and make a living from a capitalist system that pays them to do nothing. The grassed area of the Octagon is a communal gathering point enjoyed by office workers for lunch and by families in the weekend. Now it smells of dubious cigarette smoke and stale urine. While it’s nothing a daily 6am high-powered hosing down from the Dunedin Fire Brigade couldn’t fix, I wish the authorities would handle this blatant trespassing with something other than kid gloves.

# Bouquet: The Happy Hooker.

Grant Nisbett tells a great story about the immediate aftermath of the All Blacks World Cup victory at Eden Park. While the French were being awarded their runners-up medals and the All Blacks were milling about in celebration waiting for their turn, Andrew Hore wandered 30 metres over to a solitary Ian Smith (sideline) and said, “Hey Smithy, how the f@*# did we win that?” Before Smith could utter a reply, Hore cantered back to his team mates.

The townies can keep the pretty Williams boys, Sonny Bill and Ali. I’m sure the farming community will more than happily lay claim to the happy hooker Hore and his fellow front row farmer, Tony Woodcock.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

Dumping milk and dropping milk prices

2011-10-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: Dumping milk and dropping milk prices.

Last week started well enough for Fonterra with a very a generous 10th birthday shout around the country. The following day, however, the milk turned to custard when dairy farmers were hit with the double-whammy of a reduced forecast payout and having to dump milk back on to their pastures. The 45 cent reduction in the forecast payout, while disappointing, was not a real surprise. What surprised me was learning only one gas pipeline effectively supplies the northern half of the North Island. What surprised even more was the lack of a Plan B from many leading industries, Fonterra included, when it comes to powering their plants.

# Big Political Story of the Week: Labour’s Agriculture Policy.

Other than an admirable desire to lower the exchange rate and to see New Zealand farm land retained in New Zealand ownership, I can see little in Labour’s agriculture policy that would solicit the farming vote. A capital gains tax, bringing agriculture into the ETS, a tough water policy and draconian labour laws to give trade unions more power, will not win any votes from farmers. Let’s be realistic here, farmers are not Labour’s natural constituents. You’ve got to go back to the Norman Kirk years (1972-75) to find a Labour government, with Colin Moyle as Minister of Agriculture, which went in to bat for farmers. Phil Goff has a small lifestyle farm in Clevedon and a natural empathy for rural life, but the reality is Labour doesn’t court the farming vote. Maybe Phil should just openly admit it and cash in on the anti-farming sentiment and resentment that genuinely does exist in some quarters.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Make that month, year, nay decade!

This wasn’t a monkey. Or a gorilla! Or Godzilla even! This was the rugby equivalent of lifting King Kong off our collective backs. Richie, I love you. Graham, all is forgiven. William (Webb Ellis), welcome home!

# Brickbat: The eye-opening French.

Yes the Frogs were quite magnifique at Eden Park. Warriors in white! But just when you’re ready to forgive them for that other warrior, the Rainbow one, they sour a marvellous occasion and sporting spectacle with senseless eye-gouging. Their performance quite literally brought a tear to the eye - Richie McCaw’s in this case.

There’s something smugly superior about the French. Anyone who has been to Paris and battled the French language will know how dismissive the French are of the English language and its practitioners. I once spent five painstaking minutes at a Louvre café trying to explain to a French waiter that I wanted a pasta for lunch, going as far as pointing directly at it. He was plainly having me on, so it was only when I spoke to him in a universal language as I was walking out the door that he bothered to respond in kind in English!

# Bouquet: Nostradamus Mackay!

Although I finished next to last in the office RWC sweepstake, I am proudly trumpeting the fact I was the first man in the country to predict the redemption, resurrection and renaissance of Stephen Donald! This is what I wrote (word for word) in my sports column in the Southland Times on December 10, 2010:

With no Carter, McCaw effectively all but invalided out of the tournament and Sonny Bill Williams defecting to the Dallas Cowboys, it was left to some of the lesser lights to lead the way at Eden Park. Without doubt though, the All Blacks owed their epic 13-12 World Cup victory to the most maligned man of 2010, Waikato’s Stephen Donald. Initially unwanted by Hansen, Donald was only thrown a lifeline with the injuries to Carter and Auckland’s Gareth Anscombe.

With fulltime showing following Matt Todd’s injury-time try, Donald, who’d only been on the park for three minutes as a result of Slade’s chronic cramping, was asked to kick the winning sideline conversion. A nation held its anguished, collective breath, remembering the horrors of 2010. Atonement awaited. Donald duly obliged. Rugby immortality and a Jockey contract were now surely his.

# Movember: Go to your doctor and to http://nz.movember.com

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

A good week for Fonterra

2011-10-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: A good week for Fonterra.

Putting aside the continued rumblings over Trading Among Farmers, it’s been a good week for the country’s biggest company. Last Wednesday’s Global Dairy Trade Event saw the arrest of a four month slide in dairy commodity prices with the TWI up 1.7%. Last week Fonterra also collected a record daily total of 81.2 million litres with the promise of more to come. And fittingly, on Labour Day, the mega cooperative shouted the nation for its 10th birthday with celebrations in Whangarei, Auckland, Hamilton, Hawera, Palmerston North, Ashburton and Invercargill. Hard-working cow cockies put on a 60,000-strong sausage sizzle, ice-cream treats and some of the biggest names in New Zealand music, including Dave Dobbyn, Hello Sailor, Tiki Taane and Stan Walker. All free of charge. Smart move Fonterra!

# Big Political Story of the Week: Let the election campaign proper begin!

Hands up if you’d like us to host a Rugby World Cup in New Zealand every three years if it meant the election campaign could be mercifully compressed to just five weeks? And to paraphrase an Aussie advertising campaign, “Winston, where the bloody hell are ya?”

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: 24 Long Years Ago!

In 1987 the world’s population reached five billion, double the 1950 figure. Global share markets collapsed. David Lange’s Labour government was re-elected for a second term in office and New Zealand went nuclear free. GST went from 10% to 12.5%. Lotto was introduced. Posting a letter cost 40 cents (up from 30c). Crowded House went to number two on the American Top 40 with Don’t Dream It’s Over and the All Blacks won the inaugural Rugby World Cup, defeating France 29-9 at Eden Park.

Twenty four years is a long time between drinks and many drinks have been downed in the interim to drown our four-yearly cycle of sorrow. While I write without knowledge of the final score, I know our time has come. Cheers Richie!

# Brickbat: Red Cards at the RWC.

What should have been a wonderful night for Wales, with a resultant dream final between the world’s two most passionate rugby nations, was ruined by a red card. That card might have been better served on Ali Williams. I admire him as a rugby player but sometimes he can be a bit of a dick. Case in point, his behavior at the press conference when he childishly answered his namesake, Sonny Bill’s, questions. The All Blacks, led admirably by the incredibly humble Richie McCaw, have been a public relations dream even though one or two of their coaches have, on occasion, fallen prey to smug, smart-arse-answers. Sure, Cory and Izzy might have had a lapse in judgement but to err is human for young men. Besides, whatever rocket fuel they were drinking, it worked a treat!

# Bouquet: RWC Humour.

In 1991 three young kids were playing on the streets of Sydney when they were run over by a bus and killed. They all go to heaven and St Peter, waiting at the Pearly Gates, says to them, "You weren't supposed to die. You were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there and, as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."

The first kid takes a running leap and shouts "lawyer" and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.
The second kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon" and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.
The third kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles of the cloud muttering to himself "stupid, clumsy, uncoordinated idiot". Twenty years later, he's playing first-five for the Wallabies.

P.S.

Remember to go to your doctor and to http://nz.movember.com

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

RWC and FAF

2011-10-10T09:00:00.001-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: RWC and FAF.

Most farmers I know are engrossed in the RWC (Rugby World Cup). It’s a wonderful diversion at the end of a long day calving, lambing, planting, pruning or whatever. However, more than just a few are embattled in FAF (Fighting Among Farmers). You may also recognize the latter by its other moniker TAF (Trading Among Farmers). Fonterra has just concluded a record-breaking payout season but there’s still trouble at mill when it comes to capital structure. In principle, TAF seems a damn fine idea but some farmers see fish hooks. I must admit I haven’t examined the proposal with a microscope but I hope it’s sorted soon as it presents a real opportunity for farmers to further invest in the country’s leading company. It’s all been a bit of distraction from the real job at hand (or foot in Richie’s case) of how to win the RWC.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The response to the Bay of Plenty marine disaster.

As if the Psa disease outbreak was not causing enough grief in the beautiful BOP, along comes the greatest environmental disaster in our maritime history. The Bay certainly has plenty on its plate. The kiwifruit crisis is proving a real downer for the local economy. Throw in the nation’s blue-rinse retirement haven being badly hit by the collapse of the finance companies, and you don’t have to be Warren Buffet to figure out the Bay can’t afford to see the collapse of its summer tourist industry. The region is famous for its sun and beaches. Right now there are very few rays of hope for the hitherto pristine coastline.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: First-five number five?

My last year of senior club rugby was in 1991. By that stage I was 31 and getting a bit slow so my coach, former All Black Ash McGregor, moved me from fullback to first five-eighths to mitigate some of my shortcomings. Twenty years on, I wished I’d kept on playing because, who knows, I could’ve been on the receiving end of a phone call from Graham Henry - such is the state of the country’s stocks at first-five. Nick Evans, Luke McAllister and Mike Delaney are out of the country and out of the question. Another untimely groin injury to either Aaron Cruden or Stephen Donald could give renewed hope to all us old-timers with the recall of Tony Brown - making him first-five number five.

# Brickbat: The Plastic Waka:

I was in Auckland for the RWC quarter-finals weekend and did the obligatory touristy things. Visited the Cloud, had a compulsory cappuccino at the Viaduct Basin and gazed nostalgically at the mounted America’s Cup yacht. The only damp squib, other than the English backline, was wandering past the plastic waka. The government, local body authorities and ethic funding authorities have been guilty over the years of some woeful and wicked wasting of money but this national embarrassment takes the cake. The RWC is a seven week tournament - the white (elephant) waka will be open for the last 10 days of it.

# Bouquet: Movember.

Last week on the Farming Show, along with the crew at Allflex, we launched our Movember campaign to support men’s health. We’re encouraging farmers, young and old, to join the fold and grow a moustache to raise funds and awareness for serious issues such as depression and prostate cancer. Since then we’ve been inundated with positive feedback, interestingly, mainly from women wanting to encourage their husbands, fathers, brothers and sons.

Men, especially hardened rural types, are notoriously negligent when it comes to going to the doctor. The stoic “she’ll be right” attitude might be admirable if you suffer an injury on the rugby paddock but when your health is threatened, it’s a head-in-the-sand approach. No one likes intrusive probing, whether it’s of a body cavity or your state of mind. But no one ever died of embarrassment. Plenty of rural blokes have, however, succumbed to the likes of prostate cancer and depression, a lot of which would’ve been preventable with early detection and intervention. So harden up. Be a real man. Go to your doctor and go to http://nz.movember.com

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

Dave Courtenay, the senior communications advisor for Zespri

2011-10-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week:

Dave Courtenay, the senior communications advisor for Zespri, was kind enough to write suggesting some of the stats I quoted in my September 26 column on Psa in the kiwifruit industry were out-of-date. So here are the latest numbers and, like mine, they don’t make good reading:

The total tray production for the industry this year is around 115 million trays, around 30 million trays of which is Gold kiwifruit – the crop that is most impacted from Psa.

The kiwifruit industry is worth around 20 percent of the Bay of Plenty’s GDP. At the peak of the season the industry employs over 20,000 people. Last financial year the industry returned just over $1 billion in export earnings for the country.

Latest statistics have 395 orchards with Psa. The vast majority are in the Te Puke region, with outlying orchards affected in Tauranga, Katikati and Waihi. Across New Zealand, the industry totals 3,100 orchards with around 2,700 growers farming 12,800 hectares -16.7% of which have some level of Psa infection.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The election sidelined by the Rugby World Cup .

Politics has been pushed aside by more urgent matters of state such as the state of Dan Carter and the state of play in the RWC. As stated last week Dopey Don’s Act aspirations have gone up in smoke. The Maori Party, NZ First, United Future and the Mana(less) Party are all languishing. The Greens are looking like a 10% party and Labour is marooned on 30%. John Key will remain Prime Minister but where’s Winston?

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Dan groin!

If you think Mike Tindall’s groin got him into trouble, it’s nothing compared to the grief caused by the nether regions of the world’s most accomplished rugby player. The All Blacks’ camp is making all the right noises about “moving forward” with Colin Slade but let’s not sugar-coat the situation. You can’t replace Carter. He is even more irreplaceable than Captain Fantastic, Richie McCaw, because he runs the cutter tactically and he kicks the goals. History has shown us Rugby World Cup finals are not won by tries. They’re won by penalties and dropped goals.

No one denies his obvious talent but Slade is heading into the business end of the RWC underdone, his cause not aided by his dropping from last year’s end-of-season tour for Stephen Donald. Ditto for Carter’s RWC replacement Aaron Cruden! Graham Henry’s had four long years since Cardiff to ponder a Plan B should injury befall either of his marquee players, Carter and McCaw. I’ve yet to see much evidence of one.

# Brickbat: Men who don’t partake in Movember!

Very few men suit moustaches (and even fewer women – just ask Paul Henry!) However, personal vanity and itchy upper lips should be cast aside for the greater good of men’s health. In a past life I used to grow a three-week beard during the lambing season. When I shaved it off, but kept the moustache, my dearly beloved said I looked like a rat peeping out a drain pipe. I will face more cruel barbs next month when I grow a mo for men’s health. But I figure the embarrassment is worth if it helps fight depression and prostate cancer in men.

# Bouquet: A loquacious lefty!.

It’s hard to believe, I know, but sometimes I’m accused of having a right-leaning bias politically! I am of course apolitical but a good portion of the good folk who listen to my radio show or read this column are probably of the aforementioned persuasion. But credit where credit’s due, so I’m tipping my hat to a loquacious lefty. He first entered local body politics in 1965, was elected Labour Party president in 1979, entered parliament in 1984 and he’s been there ever since. However, unlike most life-long politicians, he achieved personal success in business before succumbing to the political public trough. And, unlike most politicians, he leaves the Beehive with a legacy; in his case Kiwibank. He might have been a strange choice for Minister of Agriculture but well done Jim Anderton for close to half a century of public service.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

The Payout and the Crafar Farms

2011-10-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Payout and the Crafar Farms.

Fonterra’s confirmation of a record payout for the 2010-11 season has only served to heighten interest in the sale of the Crafar Farms. Farmer Fay’s cheeky offer has been red-carded by the receivers and now we find if the Chinese bid is successful, Landcorp could end up running the farms for the aspiring purchaser, Shanghai Pengxin. It seems a logical move from the state-owned farmer but does it present a conflict of interest for a government about to embark on an election campaign? Watch this space for how overseas ownership of farms plays out ahead of the November 26 poll.

And watch this space for how Fonterra plays the domestic milk price game. In his first television interview new CEO Theo Spierings has fired the first shot across the bow by basically saying milk is too expensive. Interesting!

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Act Party’s election hopes go up in smoke!

What has Dopey Don Brash been smoking? So dear old Don wants to decriminalize cannabis - why? Whether he has a point or not, it’s surely political suicide in the affluent and conservative Epsom electorate, Act’s only lifeline to parliament. Perhaps a more popular election platform for the ageing right-winger would be to appeal to his natural constituents and make it criminal for TVNZ to play around with scheduling of that 7-30pm staple of our television diet, Coronation Street.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Rugby World Cup Quarter-Finals.

The foreplay has finished and four games this weekend will decide the semi-finalists. For what it’s worth I think the final four will be Ireland, England, the Springboks and the All Blacks. And whichever team wins the semi-final between the latter two will take home the Webb Ellis Cup.

# Brickbat: RWC Price Gouging.

And as wonderful as the RWC has been, it’s a big thumbs-down to the tour companies, hotels and airlines that have blatantly price-gouged and profiteered. Despite all the hype about getting in early to secure limited tickets, those who waited until the eleventh hour have been rewarded as discounting by desperate wholesalers is now rife. Some travel retailers have been left red-faced as packages they bought and sold in good faith are now on the market at half the price. The unfortunate situation could have been avoided if initial pricing was set at a more realistic and fair price.

# Bouquet: My Dad.

My father died prematurely of lung cancer when he was 52 years old. Like all young farm boys who grew up in the Great Depression era, he had limited opportunities when it came to education, lifestyle, career choice and seeing the world beyond Southland. And like all young men of his generation he smoked tobacco which ultimately proved to be his undoing. The greatest disappointment of his life was missing out on getting to serve his country in World War II because it ended when he was 17. Foolhardy, or otherwise, that was his chance to see the world.

Next week I turn 52 years of age and it’s an untimely reminder of my mortality. As a product of the much more-mobile Baby Boomer generation, I’ve been lucky enough to see quite a bit of the world already. Not enough of it though. The Great Wall of China. The Great Pyramids of Egypt. Gallipoli and Anzac Cove. Loch Ness and beyond, to trace my Scottish ancestry. To stand where the Berlin Wall once stood. To travel Europe by train. These are all on my Bucket List.

To me at the time, my father seemed old when he died. He wasn’t, of course. He hadn’t lived, yet he was extremely content with his lot in life. My Dad was short-changed. I’ve got a lot to do before I kick the bucket.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

'Trouble at Mill' at both ends of the country!

2011-09-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: ‘Trouble at Mill’ at both ends of the country!

The unfolding kiwifruit crisis is becoming more widely reported in mainstream media and the numbers do not stack up well. Respected rural financier Don Fraser told me Zespri’s 30 million tray production will halve to 15 million trays this season. The crisis affects 2,000 growers farming 12,000 hectares employing 10,000 full time workers and 8,000 part-timers. The $1.2 billion export industry has a downstream economic multiplier of six. Kiwifruit is 10% of the Bay of Plenty’s GDP. As much as 1,500 hectares has been picked for the last time. Whichever way you do the sums, it makes for awful reading.

Flying under the radar, though, is the story of the lamb losses in the deep south following a week of cold, wet, stormy weather. Mind you, as one of my West Otago sheep farming mates said the other day, it’s just as well the bleeding-heart, urban-based media have not picked up on the lamb losses, as he reckoned the last thing we wanted the gathered world RWC press to see was piles of dead lambs at the farm gate. The only suffering we want to see is 15 Australian lambs going to the slaughter!

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Crafar Farms and Farmer Fay.

When Alan Crafar’s family set about building a dairy empire a decade or more ago, I’m sure they had no idea of the political storm they would subsequently cause. Crafar has now become a poster boy for the debate surrounding foreign ownership of New Zealand farms. With the threat of the Chinese yellow peril hovering on the horizon, New Zealand’s farm ownership fate could rest in the hands of the great white knight, Sir Michael Fay, alongside a holy alliance of Iwi and leading dairy farmers.

Fay made a fortune from the deregulation of the 1980s, selling New Zealand assets to offshore owners. But as he is at pains to point out, he’s never sold farm land to foreigners and he’s been “farming” since 1977. Selling banks and telecommunication companies was one thing, he said piously, because they’re still making them. Not so, farm land.

Yet sizeable tracts of New Zealand farm land are now owned by Americans (through the likes of the Harvard fund) and Germans (whose superannuation funds have taken a real liking to Southland dairy farms). I’ve only heard muted opposition to that. The Chinese will soon overtake Australia as our biggest trading partner. We are bending over backwards to secure a Free Trade Agreement with Beijing. Yet we shun their advances to invest in our country while Fonterra freely sets up shop in theirs.

If Michael Fay is the answer, then what is the question? Personally, I’d like to see Landcorp up the ante and buy the Crafar farms for the future benefit of us all rather than see the land go to a select and privileged few.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The First Fifteen?

Will the three wise men let the rest of the country in on the secret?

# Brickbat: The English rugby team.

The Poms are the only outfit at the RWC who can make the Auckland public transport system look quick. The only minnows they haven’t struggled against thus far are the dwarfs they tossed aside at the Altitude Bar in Queenstown.

# Bouquet: Provincial New Zealand.

While the Rugby World Cup has been a runaway success the length and breadth of the country, with the unfortunate exception of Christchurch, there can be no denying the provincial heartland has truly taken the RWC to its bosom. The likes of Whangarei, Rotorua, New Plymouth, Napier, Palmerston North, Nelson and Invercargill have been a welcoming haven for the likes of Russia, USA, Canada, Namibia, Romania, Georgia, Japan and Tonga. Smaller centres such as Gisborne, Masterton and Blenheim have adopted the lesser lights of world rugby and welcomed them like prodigal sons, even though they’re not hosting games. They say the RWC will never return to New Zealand again in our lifetime. I say bollocks! We were born to host it.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

Sir Henry's Hair

2011-09-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: Sir Henry’s Hair.

The chairman of Fonterra’s remaining thatch must be thinning on a daily basis as he pulls his hair out over that hoary old chestnut – capital structure. Everyone agrees Fonterra must remain a cooperative under 100% farmer control. But now it would appear some farmers have decided Trading Among Farmers (TAF) is putting a cat among the pigeons due to changes within the TAF proposal that might put farmers’ ownership and control at risk. This week Fonterra announces it annual result and next week it hits the road to update shareholders on TAF. Personally, as a small shareholder, I’m all for TAF and would happily increase my shareholding given the opportunity because I reckon Fonterra’s a good bet.

# Big Political Story of the Week: Len the Loser.

The Rugby World Cup is supposedly an apolitical event. Pull the other one! If Dan Carter’s boot is as good as the one the National Party put into Len Brown, then we’ll have no problems with drop kicks at the RWC (apart from the obvious ones on the Auckland City Council).

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Three Unwise Men.

I write without knowing the score of the Japan RWC game. Rest assured the All Blacks will have run up a score more akin to cricket than rugby. But what will Messrs Henry, Hansen and Smith have learned from the exercise? A predictably strong performance against weak opposition from the likes of an Andy Ellis will only further confuse a confused selection process.

Despite having had eight years to figure it out, it appears the three wise men can’t make up their minds about their top fifteen. So I’m going to freely bestow upon them my four decades of experience in selecting the All Blacks. Trust me Ted, this team will win the RWC, if only you’d stick with it:

Dagg, Jane, Smith, Nonu, Kahui, Carter, Cowan, Read, McCaw, Kaino, Whitelock, Williams, O Franks, Hore and Woodcock. Reserves: Mealamu, B Franks, Thorn, Thomson, Weepu, Slade and Muliaina.

# Brickbat: Flash Mob Haka.

If, like Dancing Dave Currie the chef de mission, you hanker for haka at the drop of a hat, then you’re going to love the Rugby World Cup. Less than a week into the tournament though, I have to admit to haka fatigue. We’re in danger of overdoing a good thing and that’s before we start counting the latest dance craze – the flash mob haka – when a group of people assemble suddenly in a public place and perform a surprise routine which has usually been organized via social media. An organized surprise routine! Go figure?

An honourable mention goes to Happy Feet and Clayton Weatherston, both of whom have needlessly cost the country a fortune.

# Bouquet: TVNZ 7.

Even though the commercial-free, free-to-air 24-hour news and information channel is going to be chopped in June next year due to poor ratings, I for one will miss it, having only just switched on to some of its excellent programming.
Last week I watched a superb documentary on how the food industry makes billions from breakfast cereals. The story started back at the turn of the 20th century when two brothers, John and Will Kellogg, started making breakfast cereals from the excess corn that abounded in Battle Creek, Michigan. They later argued over the recipe for the cereals, with the younger brother Will wanting to add sugar to the corn flakes so they would be palatable to the masses. In 1906 Will formed his own company, the Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flake Company, which eventually became the Kellogg’s company.

Meanwhile older brother John, a devout Seventh Day Adventist, teetotaler and Doctor of Medicine set about righting the wrongs of the world by running a sanitarium (that name rings a bell) with a particular focus on vegetarian nutrition, exercise, painful anal enemas and the rehabilitation of masturbators.

One can only wonder what he might have made of English referee Wayne Barnes?

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

The Payout!

2011-09-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Payout!

I know this is soooo last week, but combined with this week’s Global Dairy Trade Event (down 1.4%), Fonterra’s recent announcement holding the forecast payment for the 2012 season at $7.15 to $7.25 (before retentions) is a great news story. There are a whole lot of reasons, not the least of which the exchange rate, for a forecast payout beginning with a six rather than a seven. However, someone deep in the bowels of the Fonterra trading room has done his or her homework and cow cockies should be rejoicing! While it doesn’t quite contain the cream-on-top content of this season’s expected $8-15, it will be the third-highest in Fonterra’s 11 year history and sure beats the hell out of the $3-16 of 2002-03.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The relevance, or otherwise, of the Act party.

By including former Federated Farmers president Don Nicolson at number four on its party list, Act is making an undeniable play for farmers’ votes. Act is the most farmer-friendly of all parties. That said, I suspect the Greens, rightly or wrongly, might get more farmer votes.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Rugby World Cup.

There is no other story! It’s taken a while but Rugby World Cup Fever is finally here. Yes, the tickets are over-priced! Yes, there will be tickets unsold! Yes, we are being ripped off by hotels and airlines. And yes, Graham Henry is testing our loyalty with his “Claytons” rotation policy (the kind of rotation policy you have when you’re not really having one).

But putting all those minor impediments to one side, it’s finally here. This is a six week festival over seven weekends, the likes of which we will never see again in New Zealand, let alone in our lifetimes. The early rounds do not come at an ideal time for farmers, with the small matter of lambing, calving and the sowing of crops to contend with. However, once we get to the business end of the competition, October 8-23, for the quarter-finals and beyond, it’s game on for young and old. The late evening kick-off of many games makes it possible for most of you to take in all the action (free to air) and still squeeze in a full day’s toil on the land.

# Brickbat: Mad Margaret Mutu.

If Margaret Mutu was white, the Race Relations Conciliator would run the harebrained Maori academic out of town. Ngapuhi leader David Rankin was right to label her the "Robert Mugabe of New Zealand politics" after the wayward professor said there should be a cap on the number of white people migrating to New Zealand because they bring attitudes of white supremacy and are destructive to Maori. The Rugby World Cup presents a grand opportunity for all Kiwis to bat on the same team for a common cause. Mad Margaret is divisive and she represents the ugly face of inverse racism. She needs to be treated with all the disdain of a specialist winger in the All Blacks RWC squad. Banished!

An honourable mention must be accorded Chris Carter who departed Godzone for the war zone of Kabul. Although he’s got 250,000 tax paid reasons to go, there’s an absolute irony that a man who milked the foreign travel system for all it’s worth has traveled to a foreign land to fight corruption!

# Bouquet: Richie McCaw.
At the time of writing it appears McCaw will have the privilege of being the first All Black to play 100 tests for his country. While Sir Colin Meads will always be our most iconic and favourtie All Black, McCaw has his shot at glory over the next six weeks to become statistically our greatest All Black. I’m sure Pinetree would gladly pass on the mantle in exchange for the Webb Ellis Trophy.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

Spring has sprung. Or has it?

2011-09-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: Spring has sprung. Or has it?

Depending on which school of thought you belong to, September 1 signifies the beginning of the spring season. The meteorologists will tell you you’ve got to wait until the spring equinox of September 22/23 but I reckon there are enough frolicking lambs and calves and blooming plants around to declare Mother Nature’s most dynamic season upon us. No month is more important in the farming calendar than September. The most lambs are born in September, the most crops are put in the ground in September and the dairy season is set up by the pasture growth rates in September. Please farming gods, let September be fine!

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Earthquake Blowout.

Just when you thought it was safe to dip your frugal toes back into the fiscal waters, the government announces a $4 billion dollar blowout in the cost of the Canterbury Earthquakes. Finance Minister Bill English is urging calm but he did make the telling comment, “we’re as vulnerable as we’ve ever been”. Just how vulnerable we are, will become self-evident upon paying our insurance premiums in the coming years.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The All Blacks Blowout.

Just when you thought it was safe to believe the Great Redeemer Graham Henry was going to lead us to the Rugby World Cup Promised Land, we have a blowout in the two Tri-nations tests leading into the most important tournament in our sporting history. Most fans were accepting of dropping the Springboks in Port Elizabeth because it allowed us to cosset the crown jewels, Richie and Dan, in cotton wool. What was much less palatable was a 40 minute walloping at the hands of the Wallabies. I still believe we are the best team in the world, albeit one too dependent on key individuals, and I still believe the fortress that is Eden Park will see us home. However the three wise men face some interesting selection dilemmas around a depleted loose forward combination with no specialist cover for our most special player and a back three that is top heavy on fullbacks and light on power and size.

# Brickbat: Sonny Bill Williams.

He might be a god-given athlete but he’s not God. From day one the NZRU got off on the wrong foot when Henry subserviently acted as personal chauffeur for SBW’s dodgy manager. In the good old days the then All Blacks coach Fred Allen put the fear of God into our greatest All Black, Colin Meads. The coach called the shots. Now we have the tail wagging the dog. Ma’a Nonu and Conrad Smith are a world-class combination in the midfield. If one of them falls over I’ve got a lot of faith in Richard Kahui. Carter can play 12 just as effectively as 10. Bugger off offshore SBW. We will survive quite nicely, thanks, without you.

# Bouquet: The Green Party

Dr Russel (only the Greens could spell Russel with one l and have co-leaders) Norman and his eco-warriors are usually more likely to be the recipients of a brickbat rather than a bouquet in this column, but credit where credit’s due. The Greens’ idea of an earthquake levy/tax has some merit. I’m sure the government will argue the tax will stymie productivity but we’re one big natural disaster away from going broke as a country. Christchurch is too big a player in the economy not to fix properly. It’s a case of all shoulders to the wheel. You never know when we might need Canterbury’s help.

And a final thought on the Greens. With Labour under Phil Goff self-destructing, the Greens will make up a powerful voting bloc in the next parliament. I wonder if they’re smart enough to get inside the tent and pee out?

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

The kiwifruit calamity and cow cocky Sir Michael Fay

2011-08-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The kiwifruit calamity and cow cocky Sir Michael Fay.

I hope I’ve got a bum steer here but my sources tell me the spread of the dreaded psa disease is rife in the Bay of Plenty. The doomsday merchants are saying the industry will not exist in five years and the Gold variety is “history” in the greater Te Puke area, possibly within this growing season. The good news is kiwifruit farmers have already shown themselves to be a resilient lot in fighting the disease thus far and there seems to be a consensus that the industry response to the outbreak has been superb. Fingers are crossed for this billion dollar industry.

Having just invested in a dairy farm, I take some personal comfort when the likes of Sir Michael Fay start sniffing around the Crafar farms. However, it’s a bit rich of the rich-lister to be preaching the virtues of local ownership with his track record of flogging off New Zealand assets.

# Big Political Story of the Week: Phil Goff is not that bad!

Having just returned from a week across the ditch, it would be fear to say Fearless Phil’s problems are miniscule compared to those of his Labour counterpart, and Prime Minister, Julia Gillard. By contrast John Key’s popularity is at record levels heading into the November 26 election. While he might not be the most popular man in New Zealand (that accolade will surely belong to Richie McCaw should he get the business done on October 23), Key will need to be run over by a bus or embroiled in a Craig Thomson-like scandal to lose the election. Unless, of course, Winston gets past five percent…

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The All Blacks RWC Squad.

My only issue with a pretty good squad is the lack of a specialist No. 7 to back up Richie McCaw, even though the said opensider could spend the entire tournament riding the pine. John Hart made the salient point that in 1987, the only time we’ve won the RWC, Mark Brooke-Cowden was picked specifically to play just one game to cover Michael Jones who was unavailable for a Sunday semi-final. Hosea Gear must be the unluckiest player, the victim of Israel Dagg’s brilliance and three wise men’s decision to go for work rate and aerial skills ahead of size and power, while John Afoa and Corey Flynn could perhaps buy a Lotto ticket.

# Brickbat: The Green Party.

It’s one thing to be a vigilant watchdog for the environment but it’s another matter to be a dog in the manger! Central Otago District Mayor Tony Lepper was quite right to be up-in-arms over the proposed Greens’ policy to charge for irrigation water at a rate of 10 cents per 1,000 litres. The term Luddite sits easily alongside the Greens’ economic policies.

# Bouquet: The Ranfurly Shield.

October 22, 2009, was the greatest day of my life. After a lifetime plus, in my case, another 38 days of waiting, my beloved Southland Stags won the Log of Wood against Canterbury. They’ve since lost and regained it from Canterbury and succumbed to Taranaki. Who knows, by the time you read this, it could reside in Napier. My point is if Southland was to lose the Shield, I’m glad it’s going to one of the great farming provinces where it will be cherished, whether it be Taranaki or Hawkes Bay, both of which have proud Shield heritages. Keep it in the provinces!

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. jamie@farmingshow.com

This week’s Fonterra Global Dairy Trade Event

2011-08-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: This week’s Fonterra Global Dairy Trade Event.

By Wednesday morning we’ll have some idea just how much the latest ructions on the economic front will hurt us as a nation dependent on exporting food. There are two schools of thought as to how the latest financial crisis will play out for New Zealand farmers. The first is that commodity prices across the board will (further) fall. That’s the bad news scenario. The second, more positive, scenario is that we will be relatively insulated from the fallout as food is a much less volatile commodity than, say, oil. Add to that this is a crisis of the western world. Asia, and China in particular, is still going gang-busters by comparison. Our future fortunes lie east not west.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The power and the pointlessness of social media.

Twitter-fuelled rampaging youths in the streets of London, Manchester and Birmingham have only strengthened my resolve to ignore, nay dislike, the social media. I reluctantly admit it’s the way of the future but I’m glad I’m a dinosaur from the past.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Dan the Man and Steve the Bag Man.

Dan Carter must look back on the second test against the Lions in 2005 with some regret. He performed to such heavenly heights on that occasion, he’s subsequently lived in the shadow of his own brilliance, forever being compared to the near-perfect standard he set himself. If his performance against the Aussies at Eden Park wasn’t perfect, it was damn close to it. His timing could not be better, less than a month out from the World Cup.

While Carter lets his magical left boot do his talking, Kiwi caddy Steve Williams put his right foot right in his mouth! Tiger Woods’ former bag man took great pleasure in bagging his former boss but in the process had the verbal equivalent of an air shot - a swing and a miss. Some sports books (see below) are garbage. When Williams writes his, it should be a cracker!

# Brickbat: Sean Fitzpatrick.

I don’t, for a moment, wish to detract from the on-field record of this country’s greatest ever rugby union hooker. While I would not quite rate him in the captaincy stakes alongside such luminaries as Sir Wilson Whineray or Sir Brian Lochore or the soon-to-be knighted Sir Richard McCaw, there can be no denying his deeds once he stepped across the white line.

My gripe with Fitzpatrick is off the paddock. With the exception of former coach John Mitchell, has there ever been a more clichéd campaigner than Fitzy? His oft-uttered “full credit” in his after-match captain’s comments was bad enough but it pales in comparison to some of the clichéd claptrap in his latest book, Winning Matters. If you don’t believe me, try getting your head around “Getting what you want starts with knowing what you want …it is only by being absolutely clear on what is important to you and what you want that you are able to move towards it”. Or my particular favourite, “Structure and planning need to sit alongside insight and spontaneity, not on top of them”.

I much prefer the earthy logic of Sir Coiln Meads. “Those South Africans were dirty barrrstards”.

# Bouquet: The Farmy Army (again).

While more than a few have packed up and given up on the earthquake-ravaged Garden City, that could not be said of the Farmy Army’s latest efforts in Christchurch. Last Friday’s effort in providing 600 ‘Sunday Roast Packs’ to the eastern suburbs’ most needy families is yet another sterling example of the country quite literally going to town to help out. Each pack contained frozen meat donated by the Alliance Group, alongside vegetables given freely by Mid Canterbury farmers.
At a time when many townies are putting the boot into farmers and Fonterra over the price of milk, perhaps a momentary reflection on the contribution made by farmers and farmer cooperatives would not go astray.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB.

The Dollar!

2011-08-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Dollar!
Who needs to go to a Gold Coast theme park. If you want a really good rollercoaster ride just start following the ups and downs of the New Zealand dollar. Lately there’s been a hell of a lot more ups than downs, with $NZ now firmly ensconced in the high US80 cent range. There’s even talk of a doomsday scenario of reaching parity! But before farmers start jumping from the nearest tall building, be it milking or woolshed, it’s worth taking a trip down memory lane.

Back on July 10, 1967, when New Zealand moved to decimal currency we initially pegged our dollar at $US1-39. By 1971 the New Zealand dollar was worth $US1-21. By 1985 when we floated our exchange rate, our currency had depreciated to US44 cents. Since then we’ve gone as low as US39 cents and as high as the recent US88 cents.

There’s no denying a high dollar makes farming hard work. But we’ve been there and done that before, albeit back in 1967 nearly all of our exports were sent to Mother England and paid for in British pounds. Let’s also not forget we’re still very competitive compared to the Aussie dollar on the world stage. So chin up, all is not lost!

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Commerce Commission decision on milk pricing.

I’m glad there was a sane and sensible response to claims of price gouging by Fonterra. Quite simply, the price is set by the international commodity price. Milk is a staple of our diet but so are bread, meat, fruit and vegetables. In percentage terms nearly all of the aforementioned have increased more in price than milk.

I’ve met a few hard-up cockies in my time but never a hard-up supermarket owner! You want cheaper milk? Well either the government subsidizes it (and we all pay) or the supermarkets take a loss-leader leaf out of their Aussie counterparts’ book.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The “Second-Stringboks”.

I’ve been religiously following All Blacks v Springboks tests since 1970 when my father got me up in the middle of the night to huddle around the wireless radio to hear how my favourite All Blacks Brian Lochore, Colin Meads, Ian Kirkpatrick, Earle Kirton and Bryan Williams were faring against the evil foe . And it wasn’t only the referee they had to worry about! There was also the Springboks. So in 41 years of this epic rugby rivalry I can say, without wanting to detract from an excellent All Blacks effort, I’ve never seen a weaker South African side than that witnessed in Wellington.

# Brickbat: Dickheads at the Cake Tin!

And that’s not a dig at Peter de Villiers or the Springboks. Along with some farming mates from Riversdale, I paid top dollar for a seat, only to have my view obstructed by flag-waving morons in front of us who mistakenly thought they were at a Robbie Williams concert. Don’t start me on the drunken drongos behind us and their inane utterances! Why do people pay good money for a sporting event when they have no appreciation of the game or little respect for those around them?

# Bouquet: The IHC Calf Scheme and Andrew Hore.

At the risk of repeating myself, I must say how buoyed I was by the response to last week’s plea for farmers to contribute to the IHC calf scheme. To that end we’re launching a campaign on the Farming Show and with a little help from my friends at FMG we’re kicking it off with a generous donation.
Like the New Zealand dollar, All Black Andrew Hore has certainly had his ups and downs in 2011. After a horror Hurricanes season the likably laconic cocky from Central Otago played arguably his finest test match against the ‘Boks in Wellington. It was a case of Richie McCaw eat-your-heart-out with Hore absolutely outstanding at the breakdown. I wonder how much of that he attributes to honing his skills with a few games in the loose forwards for his beloved Maniototo Maggots club side in Ranfurly?

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB.

The Polar Blast

2011-08-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Polar Blast.

July 1939. The world was on the brink of a second world war, Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh starred in Gone With The Wind, Southland held the Ranfurly Shield and Auckland had its last recorded snowfall.

Snow didn’t quite settle in the city of sails last week but it got close. While Mother Nature’s latest reminder she can’t make up her mind up about global warming was nothing more than nuisance value for most farmers, for some it was the first real experience of snow in their farming careers. Snow in July is to be encouraged, especially if it spares us in September.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Americans playing Russian Roulette with the World Economy.

Call it brinkmanship, one-upmanship or political chicken. The Democrats and the Republicans are taking the US debt crisis debate right to the wire. Barrack Obama wants to pay for the increased debt ceiling by taxing the rich. The good old boys of the Grand Old Party want spending cuts. The ultimate solution is a bit of both. You’ve got to go back 50 years to the Cuban Missile Crisis for a Mexican stand-off of this proportion. Meanwhile the world waits with baited breath and our dollar breathlessly surges to daily post-float highs.

Austerity is the new buzz word post the Global Financial Crisis and it’s here to stay. Hopefully the high dollar isn’t.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Stags win the Ranfurly Shield (again!)

After waiting a lifetime (50 years in my case) for the big one in 2009, I only had to wait nine months for the gestation of another glorious Southland Ranfurly Shield reign.

Just like the Otago side of the 1990s that featured the likes of Jeff Wilson, Marc Ellis, Josh Kronfeld and Taine Randell, the Southland Stags have a cult following from their fanatical fans. It’s sexy to be a Stags fan and it’s not because they’re the most glamourous side in the ITM Cup. Far from it. The Stags have a down-on-the-farm charm. They’re battlers who quite literally only win games by going into battle. Led by their larger than life (and rather large in real life) captain Jamie Mackintosh, they ooze earthy honestly with their delightful southern burr.

# Brickbat: Nutters taking their guns to town Nutters leaving their guns at home!

The shooting massacre in Norway was yet another tragic reminder that for some deluded nut-cases the only real solution is one of their own bullets. Insane or otherwise, all Anders Breivik’s trial will do is give a crazed mass-murderer a platform for his extremist views. He is a walking advertisement for summary capital punishment.

On a lighter note Peter de Villiers, the Springboks coach, also has one wheel in the gravel. He’s totally bonkers, barking mad in fact, but in a nice harmless sort of way. While it’s disappointing the Springboks have left their guns at home, we should be thankful for small mercies in the form of the diminutive de Villiers. Sir Brian Lochore summed it up best when he said the most worrying thing about the Springboks heading into the World Cup was the prospect they might have dumped their coach!

# Bouquet: The IHC Calf Scheme.

Launched in 1984, the scheme now sees more than 5500 calves donated annually raising in excess of one million dollars for, arguably, the most endearing of all charitable causes. With Sir Colin Meads as patron saint, alongside wonderful sponsorship from PGG Wrightson and Allflex, the IHC Calf Scheme is a well-oiled machine. Initially aimed at dairy farmers, the scheme also encourages sheep and beef farmers to contribute the part of the proceeds from the sale of their livestock.

The IHC is a charity near and dear to my heart. I will be donating the equivalent of a weaned calf. I’d urge all farmers, not already donating and rearing a calf, to do likewise. Most cockies have enjoyed a bountiful season. It’s time to share your good fortune. To contribute phone 0800 746 444.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB.

The Global Dairy Trade Event and the Dollar

2011-07-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Global Dairy Trade Event and the Dollar.

Ouch! Like two ugly sisters waiting in the wings to derail a fairytale ending to a Cinderella dairy season, the latest GDTE (down 5.1%) and the NZ dollar (ensconced in the mid US80c range) are conspiring to be real party poopers.

The bad news is dairy farmers should enjoy the current $8 payout while it lasts because the opening forecast payout for the 2011/12 season of $7-15 to $7-25 increasingly looks like it could start with a six rather than a seven. The good news is the 1.33 billion Chinese and the 1.17 billion Indians are not going away overnight. But overnight some of them are becoming middle-class and are craving westernized protein. They will make us a rich country - not overnight - but within two decades.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The folly of Labour’s tax proposal.

Likeable bloke or not, the latest political polls show Phil Goff is a dead man walking. And so he should be after what can only be described as another cynical attack on farming. One third of the tax collected from his proposed capital gains tax will be gathered from farmers.

Fearless Phil needs to realize that broadening the tax base is not about killing the goose that lays the golden egg. All that does is encourage the goose to fly to Australia. The facts speak for themselves, the most damning of all being 97% of the net taxation is paid by 17% of households (those earning a combined $120,000 or more). A majority of New Zealanders pay little or no income tax. Farmers, the productive sector and the highly productive entrepreneurs who drive the economy should not be asked to carry the can for the country. Sure, let’s get stuck into property speculators but for the vast majority, especially farmers, capital gains are accrued over a long period of time and are the reward for having the balls to take a risk.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Steve Hansen goes to Charm School.

Is it just me or is Steve on a charm offensive? Gone are the days of the disinterested grunt, replaced instead by engaging discourse.

If we win the Rugby World Cup, Hansen will be the next All Blacks coach barring Graham Henry deciding to do a Sir Alex Ferguson. If we fall short of the final hurdle it’s game on. Henry will emigrate to Scott Base for a warmer reception. Robbie Deans and Warren Gatland are already committed. Ian Foster has hardly covered himself in glory at the Chiefs. But will the charm offensive count for ought if Richie and Dan don’t do the business?

# Brickbat: Close Up heads off Hone again!

After having a bitch about Close Up last week, I felt sure Hone Harawira would take the brickbat back this week for his obnoxious grandstanding at his parliamentary swearing in as the leader of the Mana Party. But sorry Hone, try as you might, you have a way to go to get the gong.

Television has always been a scripted business but it would appear the art of ad-libbing is lost at TVNZ. Close Up went a bridge too far recently with its word-for-word plagiaristic rip-off of an item from one of its American affiliates. Mark Sainsbury’s equally scripted apology had all the dynamism of a dead cat. The state broadcaster must rue the day it red-carded Paul Henry.

# Bouquet: Darren Clarke.

It was so refreshing to see an overweight, greying, middle-aged man win one of the world’s greatest sporting trophies, the Claret Jug, at the recent British Golf Open. The jovial 42 year old Irishman, who tragically lost his first wife to cancer five years ago, then proceeded to celebrate with an all-nighter on the Guinness. Although he turned up the next morning slightly the worse-for-wear at the winner’s press conference, there was none of the usual PC tut-tutting we hear around sportsmen over-imbibing. It was a victory for the ages and a victory for the aged.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB.

The Weather

2011-07-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Weather.

When old timers on the West Coast say it’s the worst spell of July weather in living memory, you know Mother Nature is being a cow! Throw in tornadoes, thunder, flooding, gales and a polar blast of snow and all but the ski fields are down in the dumps about what’s been dumped upon us.

The good news is it’s better to take a battering now than in the August or September. The bad news is Ken Ring reckons we’re headed for another snow storm in early October to rival last year’s September shocker. Mind you, the Moon Man also predicted the Kawarau River (which drains Lake Wakatipu) would run dry a few years ago and I didn’t rush out to buy a gold pan.

# Big Political Story of the Week: Phil’s tax package, John’s refusal to budge and Don shows his true colours.

Politically accident-prone Phil Goff released his party’s new tax policy to all the fanfare of a Davis Cup tie in Hawera. John Key, the great pragmatist, still stubbornly refuses to accept the inevitability and necessity of having to raise the age of entitlement for national superannuation. And former Federated Farmers president Don Nicolson threw his hat into the Act election ring. Wow! Didn’t see that one coming!

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Davis Cup Tennis in Hawera..

I could have chosen double defeat to the Aussies in the Super 15 Final and World Netball Champs or the naming of the All Blacks or the British Golf Open but I’ve gone with Davis Cup Tennis in Hawera.

This is by no means a slight on the Taranaki town which, by all accounts, did a splendid job hosting the tie against whoever it was we were playing. It is however an indictment on the state of New Zealand tennis. Firstly, that I can’t remember who we were playing and secondly, that we can fit everyone interested into a venue holding 1000 people. As a sporting nation we box well above our weight but our tennis is terminal. Oh for an Anthony Wilding or the halcyon Davis Cup days of Onny Parun and Brian Fairlie or Chris Lewis and Russell Simpson.

# Brickbat: Current Affairs Television.

There’s no nice way to say this. Close Up is crap. What happened to good old fashioned current affairs? The 7pm current affairs slot on both channels is now info-tainment, at best. The misguided penguin got far too much air time but that was serious stuff compared to the recent cliffhanger, inflicted upon us over two nights, of the rich-list Auckland fashion designer who lost her two precious pooches. One was found running aimlessly in a park (sounds like one of the Blues at Eden Park?) in episode one. We had to wait for a thrilling next installment the following evening to find the other hapless hound had been flogged by some South Auckland bogan, no doubt with a view to making a quick buck by way of ransoming the rich-lister. Or, worse still, having a dodgy dog casserole!

If Close Up wants to take its cameras to South Auckland, maybe it should film some of the kids going to school with no lunch, having had no breakfast. Or the tinny houses they’re raised in with the P addicts. But I guess that’s not very palatable dinner-time viewing compared to a feel-good, junk food telly on Close Up’s menu.

# Bouquet: Hawera.

Home to one of the world’s largest dairy factories, Hawera can lay claim to being perhaps New Zealand’s dairying capital? There can be no arguing, however, the Taranaki town is now the tennis capital of New Zealand, having hosted two Davis Cup ties in two years. With a population of just 11,000 it’s a credit 10% of the population turned up to watch the tennis. The Auckland equivalent would be 150,000 fronting up at Stanley Street. Hats off to Hawera!

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB.

The Cloak of Knowledge has a new owner

2011-07-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Cloak of Knowledge has a new owner.

Will Grayling, the 25 year old Prince Harry lookalike, was crowned the 2011 National Bank Young Farmer of the Year. Will, who has a Masters of Applied Science from Lincoln University, is obviously no fool plus he proved he’s no mug when it comes to the basics of farming with a pretty smart effort in the practical and technical segments of the contest. Will, an Ashburton cow cocky, is walking proof that the young, intelligent and articulate are choosing farming as a career. And the regal comparisons do not end with Will. His fiancée Kimberly True has a Kate Middleton look about her. I’m sure they’ll do a right-royal job as farming ambassadors over the next 12 months.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Feds have a new Prez!

There was plenty of politicking going on in Rotorua recently when Federated Farmers elected a new president, Bruce Wills, to replace the retiring Don Nicolson. The amiable Hawkes Bay sheep and beef farmer reputedly headed off a strong challenge from Lachlan McKenzie in what conspiracy theorists would claim to be a head-to-head battle between sheep/beef v dairy. In something akin to a papal conclave, when white smoke bellows from the Vatican when a new Pope is elected, the Feds were quick to send smoke signals that Wills was their man. For my money Nicolson did a good job raising the profile of the Feds during his three year term. Wills promises a more “collaborative approach to advocacy”. I would urge him and his new vice president, the equally amiable Dr William Rolleston, not to be shrinking violets. Any good watchdog needs a bit of bite!

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Courageous Crusaders and their former coach.

At the time of writing I can only hope the Crusaders have had a fairytale finish to their year on the road. The result of the Super 15 final has huge ramifications for the Rugby World Cup. If, as I expect, the Crusaders smash the Reds up front, then well and good. If, however, Quade Cooper and Will Genia have weaved their magic, then Graham Henry might have some problems.

Ever since Robbie Deans was overlooked for the All Blacks coaching job in 2007 following the Cardiff capitulation, I have repeatedly awoken, drenched in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, visualizing Deans holding aloft the Webb Ellis Cup with a “told you so” smirk on his face. I have no doubt the All Blacks are the best team in the world. I also concede Henry has done an admirable job since the hatchet job that was his reappointment. The only fly in the ointment is the irony of New Zealand’s best rugby coach winning the RWC for Australia.

# Brickbat: The Double Jeopardy Law.

I don’t know who killed the Kahui twins. Logic would suggest one of a dastardly duo is responsible. The release of perennial conspiracy theorist Ian Wishart’s book Breaking Silence: The Kahui Case will allegedly point the finger of blame squarely at Chris Kahui. But because he has been tried before and found not guilty he cannot be convicted of the killings even if subsequent evidence should prove otherwise. The law is an ass. Almost as big an ass as the PC system that allowed the Kahui clan to close ranks at the time of the killings, while police were forced to handle the case with kid gloves.

# Bouquet: John Hartnell and the Farmy Army.

These real troopers were awarded the “Agricultural Personality of the Year” at Federated Farmers Annual Awards evening. This accolade was richly deserved because in the past 12 months no one person or group has done more to enhance the reputation of farmers or reinforce the message that cockies are generally giving and good buggers!

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from his Radio Network studio in Dunedin.

Forget the Six Million Dollar Man, it’s the 310 dollar sheep!

2011-07-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: Forget the Six Million Dollar Man, it’s the 310 dollar sheep!

It wasn’t that long ago I thought Federated Farmers was dreaming with its campaign for the $150 lamb. Well that lofty aspiration was doubled when two-tooth ewes burst through the $300 barrier recently at the Stortford sale yards. While it seems an outlandish sum to pay for a sheep, once you do the maths you realize the purchaser was far from fleeced. Scanned in-lamb at 163%, the payback, in lamb income alone, is less than two years. Throw in vastly improved wool returns and a residual value of more than $100 for the mutton carcass, and $200-300 could be the new norm for good breeding ewes.

# Big Political Story of the Week: A new president for Federated Farmers.

Whoever that might be? As this magnificent publication rolled off the printer’s press, a new president was elected at the Feds’ AGM in Rotorua. With four candidates in the first contested election since the early 1990s, I expect a contest of papal proportions. The Vatican conclave expels white smoke when a new Pope is elected but in these enlightened and environmentally-aware times I’m sure the Feds won’t have risked the carbon footprint a needless fire leaves behind. God Speed successful candidate.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Roger Federer loses at Wimbledon.

The Swiss maestro could not get home on the green grass of the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club. I hope the Crusaders have fared better in Capetown and maybe earned themselves a “home” final in Wellington, providing the Blues did the business in Brisbane. Win, lose or draw in South Africa, the Crusaders have been inspirational rugby nomads in 2011.

Federer, like the Crusaders, oozes class, despite his shock loss. World sport needs more of him and Rory McIlroy and less of the likes of Le Bron James, Wayne Rooney and Tiger Woods (for his on-course antics).

# Brickbat: The dopey Dom Post and the dopey penguin.

Both could be accused of heading in the wrong direction, totally losing their way, getting in over their heads, floundering and then beaching in a desperate bid to save face. The penguin swallowed sand, the paper deserved to have sand kicked in its face!

The Dom Post story of May 18 attacking dairy farmers for not paying enough tax was an appalling piece of sensationalist journalism from a publication that should know better. A publication, no less, whose agri-business editor Jon Morgan was recently named the agricultural communicator of the year! An apology was eventually forthcoming on June 24. C’mon Dom Post, the rest of us could see your flawed financial logic after five minutes, let alone the taxing five weeks it took you!

As for Happy Feet, sure emperor penguins are cute and an absolute rarity on our shores. However, it never ceases to amaze me how much we fawn over animals when there is so much more we should doing for humans. I don’t lose sleep over an errant emperor penguin imprisoned thousands of miles from home but I do anguish over the Kahui twins’ murderer roaming free.

# Bouquet: The Wellers and the Mad Butcher.

Last weekend in Hastings, Southland farmers Grant and Bernadette Weller were crowned the inaugural winners of the Gordon Stephenson Trophy at the Ballance Farm Environment Awards. The country’s most sustainably profitable farmers epitomize team work and hard work. I’m so proud they hail from my home town of Riversdale even if my old stablemate Steve Wyn-Harris played bridesmaid again. At least he exacted some consolation in taking $60 (every single one a prisoner) from Grant on the golf course the next day!

And a bouquet to Sir Peter Leitch for being what most of us aspire to be. A good bugger who makes the world a better place!

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Ballance Agri-Nutrients Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from his Radio Network studio in Dunedin.

The Fieldays

2011-06-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Fieldays.

In excess of 120,000 flooded through the gates over the four days of the National Agricultural Fieldays at Mystery Creek. This is the biggest agricultural bun fight in town! Within an hour of arriving on Wednesday it was a celebrity train-spotter’s dream. Sir Colin Meads, Sir Henry van der Heyden, Allison Shanks, David Carter and John Key were but five of the celebs I managed to collar for the Farming Show.

PM Key jested tongue-in-cheek that he’d yet to come across a Labour voter at Mystery Creek and, tellingly, said he wished he’d never sold his equity share in a West Otago dairy farm. Van der Heyden looked like a content man despite the sky-high dollar, while Sir Pinetree was just rapt he was able to raise $45,000 for the Canterbury Earthquake fund by auctioning off a rugby jersey he wore in 1957.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Earthquake.

Just when you thought it safe to go back in to the water (Jaws circa 1975) the water was back on the streets of Christchurch. In about the time it takes a human child to gestate, we’ve all learned about liquefaction and what the Richter scale really means. Earthquakes used to be something only Wellingtonians worried about. Now Cantabrians live with the daily threat of another big one hovering over their head like the hangman’s noose. The rest of us hold our breath knowing, there but for the grace of God, go we.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Hurricanes Holocaust!

Without doubt the best quote of the past week came from Jimmy Hore, hard-case cocky from Central Otago and the father of All Blacks hooker Andrew. In reference to the sacking of his son and Ma’a Nonu from the ‘Canes, the wonderfully blunt farmer from the Maniototo was quoted as saying, “You don’t shoot your two best dogs before you go mustering, do you?”

It’s hard to beat earthy farmer logic and the way the playing ranks are dwindling in Wellington I reckon it won’t be too hard to beat Hammett’s Hurricanes in 2012.

# Brickbat: The Torturous Taniwha.

Columnist Kerre Woodham was right on the money when she said; “Another major infrastructure project and lo and behold, another taniwha appears. The capricious mythological figure seems to pop up almost as soon as the first sod is turned”. This was in response to limp-wristed Len Brown’s latest sop to political-correctness as he battles to build Auckland’s controversial $2.6 billion city rail system.

I will be accused of being culturally insensitive but, sorry, there’s nothing insensitive about being sensible. This country has a real job on its hands, not only to rebuild after the Global Financial Crisis but more importantly to rebuild its second-biggest city and its biggest agricultural hub. I’m all for jealously guarding our cultural heritage but if another taniwha rears its ugly head to slow the rebuild of Christchurch, I think I’ll collectively scream with 400,000 other Cantabrians!

# Bouquet: Roger Sutton and Stafix.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man! In his first day on the job as head honcho at the Canterbury Earthquake Recovery Authority (CERA), Sutton was welcomed with third and fourth biggest quakes since Canterbury started rocking and rolling back on September 4. If ever quake-ravaged Christchurch needed a positive man with a positive vision, then now is the hour. Lesser men would walk away. Even Graham Henry would agree, Sutton has just walked into the toughest job in the land.

Finally, the Stafix promotion on the Farming Show is proving a winner with punters (no pun intended) from rugby clubs all over Godzone. Stafix is giving clubs the chance to win one of three $5000 prizes to spruce up their stand, clubrooms or changing sheds. A recurring theme thus far from the numerous colourful entries I’ve received is that it would appear many country rugby clubs are dogged by dodgy ‘70s and ‘80s colour schemes. Brown, green, beige and orange patterned curtains and carpets - beer stained at that - no longer cut mustard. E-mail jamie@farmingshow.com if you’d like a lick of paint for your grandstand or to drag your club’s décor in the 21st century!

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

The Pending Psa Predicament

2011-06-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Pending Psa Predicament.

If the murmurings I’m hearing are anywhere near true then the Kiwifruit industry is in trouble, especially the star of the stable, Zespri Gold. This is a billion dollar industry that New Zealand Inc. cannot afford to fail. The management and containment of psa by the industry, thus far, appears to have been well handled. The horticulture industry is now holding its breath until springtime, when the full cost of psa is likely to be revealed.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Earthquake Announcement.

This story refuses to go away and it’s going to take one hell of an upheaval somewhere else around the country to knock it off its perch as the biggest story of 2011. I don’t think even an overwhelmingly good-news story such as a Rugby World Cup win on October 23 can displace Christchurch from the hearts and minds of New Zealanders.

The simple solution to our greatest ever natural disaster is there is no simple solution. The best insurance in the world cannot cover what Christchurch has lost and almost everyone living east of the CBD in our second-largest city is ultimately a loser. The Garden City will rebuild itself but the heart of the CBD will never be the same. How can it be when its heart’s been ripped out?

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Black Caps Captaincy Cock-Up.

What the hell’s going on at New Zealand Cricket? The tweedle-dee, tweedle-dum approach to finding Daniel Vettori’s successor last week was comical. Heaven help our national side when one of the aspirants for the top job reportedly had to jump through the hoop of doing a power-point presentation. Even though I’m a Brendon McCallum fan, this charade should have been short-circuited on day one by John Wright appointing the man he wanted to work with – Ross Taylor.

I wish the talented Taylor all the best in his new job. Here’s hoping his team talks are a little more inspiring than his first media conference where he abruptly halted proceedings mid-sentence to declare, following an embarrassing silence, he’d lost his train of thought. I suppose it could have been worse. NZC could have taken a leaf from netball’s “pass and giggle” approach and appointed PC primary school co-captains.

# Brickbat: The Te Tai Tokorau Byelection.

At the time of writing I have no idea of the result, which gives me something in common with Hone Harawira, who also has no idea! This is a costly exercise in ego less than six months out from a general election. If Hone wanted a mandate, November 26 is the vehicle he should have chosen. As a taxpayer making a good contribution to the government’s dwindling coffers I really resent money being wasted on the politics of resentment.

# Bouquet: The Ballance Farm Environment Awards (BFEA).

I have to declare an interest here because Ballance Agri-Nutrients is a long-time sponsor of the Farming Show. Putting personal bias aside though, this is a smart sponsorship for a fertilizer company. Over the next decade, failing an outbreak of Foot and Mouth Disease, there is no more important issue facing farming than the environment. Farmers need to be vigilant guardians of the environment and most are. However the intensification that comes with dairying does not come without a cost to the environment, despite best practice. How farmers mitigate that cost is the challenge.

The BFEA recognizes that farmers “need to be in the black to be green” and the nine finalists in Hastings at the weekend were glowing examples of financial and environmental sustainability. This competition has the potential to supersede the Young Farmer Contest and the Dairy Industry Awards as our most prestigious farming title. It has a way to go but mighty oaks from little acorns grow.

Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

The Great 1080 Debate

2011-06-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Great 1080 Debate.

It refuses to go away. In an ideal world there would be an easier and more environmentally-friendly way to control possums and the resultant agricultural curse that is tuberculosis. The Greens would have you believe so. Industry experts say no. Last week I floated the age-old idea of sending the unemployed into the bush and putting a bounty on the head of the furry foe, only to be told this would be paying lip service to the problem on the periphery. It would seem until someone comes up with a better idea, 1080 is the lesser of two evils and a necessary one at that.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The politicians at the Fieldays.

It’s almost as though the Nats have sprayed (cat parlance) all over Mystery Creek, thus marking their territory and scaring off the Opposition. John Key will be truly walking amongst the converted and such is his rock star status with the punters at the Fieldays, it wouldn’t surprise me if he whipped up some lunchtime loaves and fishes to feed the masses.

While Fearless Phil Goff will have earned his moniker if he fronts up after his recent attacks on farming, I’m sure the affable Damien O’Connor (is he a Nat in drag?) will put in an appearance for the Labour Party. No doubt the redoubtable Dr Russel Norman will be there to pontificate on pollution on the behalf of the Greens. Perhaps the most interesting presence could be that of the Act Party where there could be two Dons, Brash and Nicolson, for the price of one! Watch this space.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Sonny Bill Williams Circus Sideshow.

No one can deny SBW is a God-given athlete. An Adidas Adonis sent to win us the Rugby World Cup! But the boxing thing is wearing a little thin with me. His latest bout against the overweight Tongan gospel singer and sickness beneficiary Alipate Liava'a was nothing short of comical. Sir Bob Jones was dead right when he said SBW is no pugilist. If he was, he would’ve finished off a man so gravely handicapped by tennis elbow, he couldn’t work. This was a racquet in every sense of the word! And the bad tennis puns don’t stop there. There was the love match going on ringside as Messrs Henry, Hansen and Smith sat smiling sycophantically at their Sonny Boy Wonder. Bring back Fred ‘The Needle’ Allen or Laughing Lozza Mains and the good old days when the All Blacks coach called the shots.

# Brickbat: The Social Welfare System.

Social Welfare Minister ‘Brawler Paula’ Bennett is doing a good job talking tough on benefit fraud and abuse. Sure there are going to be some genuinely unfortunate souls who will bear the brunt of her beneficiary bashing but SBW’s hapless boxing bozo (see above) has just handed the Brawler a gilt-edged arsenal of ammunition to fire at the abusers. And on that subject, the WINZ Wally who signed off on the sickness benefit for Liava’a needs shot as well.

# Bouquet: Stafix - Taking a Stand.

In 17 years of radio I’ve been fortunate enough to have been involved with some great promotions. The past couple of months alone have included giving away a 1956 Ford Pick Up Truck valued at $60,000 for Coopers Animal Health and helping the Platinum Primary Producers Club raise $45,000 for a Colin Meads rugby jersey in aid of the Canterbury Earthquake.

Currently the Farming Show is running a cracker on behalf of Stafix who are “taking a stand” for country rugby. They’re giving rugby clubs the chance to win one of three $5000 prizes to spruce up their stand, clubrooms or changing sheds. All you need to do is e-mail me and tell me why rugby’s so important to your community and why your club deserves the makeover money. We all know the local rugby club is the focal point of many rural communities, especially in the winter months, so here’s your chance to enhance yours.

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

The dollar and the weather

2011-06-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The dollar and the weather.

Despite what Winston Peters says, we can’t do much about the former reaching a 26 year post-float high last week. As for the latter, following a record mild May (albeit an extremely wet one for some) talk of the prospect of a short winter will be music to the ears of farmers who were brutalized by last year’s September storms. The grass is still growing in many regions off the back of a benign autumn and if we’re to believe WeatherWatch’s Philip Duncan there’s more mild stuff to come. The Moon Man, Ken Ring, says the planets are aligning for a late start to winter but watch out for a real sting in the tail with late polar blasts in September and October. Interestingly, the Met Service Weather Ambassador Bob McDavitt concurs but he’s less definitive about the severity.

While I wouldn’t mind a cold snap in October to take the sting out of the temperate teams (Australia and South Africa) in the Rugby World Cup, the last thing farmers need is a repeat of last September’s storms. Here’s hoping the Moon Man’s speaking through a hole in his Uranus on this one!

# Big Political Story of the Week: The political polls.

John Key can seemingly do no wrong. Despite a stingy Budget that resulted in most of us being worse off financially, as a nation we’ve begrudgingly swallowed the bitter pill which prescribes spending less and earning more. Funny that! Maybe, as a country, we’re finally growing up financially and learning to live within our means.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The bloody referees!

Awful Aussie Stu Dick(inson) has always been a pedant when it comes to refereeing rugby. His vile, there can be no other word to describe it, performance in the Reds-Crusaders game was yet another timely example of the biggest threat to Richie McCaw holding aloft the Webb Ellis Cup on October 23 at Eden Park. We all remember wayward Wayne Barnes from Cardiff in 2007. Forget about David Pocock, Will Genia, Victor Matfield or Morne Steyn. The biggest danger to the All Blacks in RWC 2011 is the man with the whistle.

# Brickbat: The colour green.

Despite being a member of the exclusive primary club, it’s a colour I’ve never warmed to as much as its stable mates red and blue. This is not a cheap shot at the political movement or a negative reflection on all the beautiful stuff we convert to protein and sell to the world to pay our way. Nor is it an indictment on the Springboks or Wallabies. Both are menacingly good in green.

They tell me green is the fashion colour of 2011 and will remain that way until 2013, although how anyone other than my old mate Ken Ring could predict that is beyond me. The trouble with green is it’s just not as sexy as red or as regal as blue. You don’t buy a racy green sports car or have royal green blood. Green is a colour we associate with envy or with being off-colour.

Green is a great colour for grass. I just prefer my rugby team playing on top of it to be wearing maroon, blue or gold.

# Bouquet: ACC and humour.

Admittedly, they’re subjects not normally associated with one another but in isolation it’s been a good week for both. ACC has long been an inefficient behemoth. Opening it up to competition in the workplace will keep it on its toes and ultimately benefit those, including farmers, who pay too much for accident cover. And who knows, competition might even encourage ACC to rethink its incomprehensible invoices – an accident waiting to happen if I ever I saw one!

And finally, amidst some of the vitriol that has spewed forth around the Highlanders’ new jersey, it’s great to see the controversy has not been lost on the humorists. There is no finer portal for humour than the internet and no finer example of good-natured ribbing than the doctored photo of Jamie Mackintosh in a David Bain jersey – titled “New Highlanders Jersey – Sneak Peak” (see attached).

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

A boomer for Fonterra's farmers!

2011-05-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: A boomer for Fonterra’s farmers!

A record payout for the current season and a cracking opening forecast for 2011-12 should have dairy farmers hooraying in their herring-bones, rejoicing in their rotaries! And it’s not only farmers who should be popping open the bubbly. A $12 billion dairy contribution to an economy running a $17 billion deficit has to be music to the ears of John Key and Bill English. National Bank chief economist Cameron Bagrie called it a “game changer”. I don’t know about that but Dr Allan Bollard can surely feel confident he’s blown the whistle for half time and we’re now going to play with the elements at our back in the second spell.

# Big Political Story of the Week: Farming – the election year whipping boy.

It’s now abundantly clear the dodgy Dom Post beat-up was a softening-up process ahead of Labour’s attack on farming at its annual conference. The politics of envy is alive and kicking (farmers in the groin). It’s a shame some in the Beehive don’t take a moment to reflect on agriculture’s contribution to society and the economy, rather than being hell-bent on making it a divisive election issue, pitting town against country. Rich farmers are not the problem. Rich farmers are the solution.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Hail Richie and the second coming within a week!

Last week it was Dan Carter. This week it's Richie McCaw. The two crown jewels in the NZRU's playing ranks are now safely under lock and key until 2015. All of which raises the question of how the NZRU is going to pay for these expensive contracts?

For years we’ve been told the All Blacks jersey is not for sale to the highest bidder, that the All Blacks brand stands alone. Eden Park has maintained its autonomy but look at the other main centres where Westpac, AMI and Forsythe Barr have taken naming rights of the major stadia. Who would bet against the Fonterra All Blacks lining up for the 2019 Rugby World Cup in protein-hungry Asia?

And am I a cynic or what? No sooner was the ink dry on Carter’s contract than he was out there against the Chiefs attempting dropped goals - left, right and centre. I wonder if, in World Cup year, Carter's new employment contract includes a compulsory dropped goal clause?

# Brickbat: Phil Goff.

Sorry Phil, you might be a good bloke and you might have some farming sympathies because of your hobby lifestyle block in Clevedon, but you and your party have now firmly played your hand by putting your boot into farming. From a political perspective it’s probably a smart move to champion the cause of your constituents and good on you for sticking up for the poor buggers on the minimum wage because it beggars belief anyone can survive on $13 per hour. Besides you were never going to get any farmer votes, nor any from the 10% of tax payers who pay the lion’s share of income tax in this country. Robbing from the rich to give to the poor worked a treat in Sherwood Forest but in a cash-strapped modern economy Phil, I think you’re struggling to see the forest for the trees.

# Bouquet: Maori Television.
I was not alone in being against the state funding of Maori television when it was launched in 2004. However credit where credit’s due. I tip my hat to the Iwi TV for some really innovative and energetic programming. Its Anzac Day coverage and excellent sports show, Code, are but two fine examples. It is also to be congratulated for being brave enough to go where the major networks feared to tread by running a telethon for the Canterbury Earthquake, raising $2.5 million in the process. Of that, Fonterra contributed $1 million, or roughly $90 per dairy farmer. The remainder of New Zealand contributed $1.5 million, or roughly 35 cents per man, woman and child. And the Dom Post says dairy farmers are not paying their fair share?

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

Taxing times for dairy farmers

2011-05-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: Taxing times for dairy farmers.

It was open season last week on dairy farmers when Labour’s Stuart Nash (who?) trawled out some out-of-date figures from the 2009 financial year to suggest dairy farmers only paid, on average, $1500 tax on an income in excess of $500,000 while the average wage earner forked out $8000 for their $50,000 income.

Wednesday’s Dominion Post headline screamed out “Is This Fair?” Perhaps more pertinently, it should have asked if its own reporting was fair. I don’t wish to sound like an apologist or patsy for the dairy industry, because the same tax rules apply to all businesses, but to quote gross incomes rather than taxable profits was misleading at best and downright mischievous at worst.

It would seem that the Great Clobbering Machine has singled out farming. The politics of envy is ugly, never more so than in election year, when the last thing this country needs is a widening rural-urban divide.

# Big Political Story of the Week: A Black Budget to get us back in the black.

While it was hardly a budget to match Arnold Nordmeyer’s 1958 effort or Ruthless Ruth Richardson’s 1991 “Mother of All Budgets” , it was none-the-less a parsimonious piece of oratory from Black Bill English. After the credit-fuelled splurge of 2002-2007, saving is now sexy and reckless spending is so last decade! And that’s the way it should be. Our Presbyterian forebears would be proud. My only gripe is John Key refusing to budge on the age of entitlement for old age pension.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Dan Carter signs up for another four years in black.

Now all we need to do is get Richie to do likewise and we’ll be happiness-filled right through to the 2015 Rugby World Cup in England. Here’s hoping the dynamic duo will still be up for it at 33 and 34 respectively. While they’ll hardly be old age pensioners, their coach could well be if we’re to believe the rumour mill surrounding Graham Henry’s desire to do a Sir Alex Ferguson!

# Brickbat: Hone gets a week off in favour of Palmerston North airport.

Unlike the ungracious John Cleese, I think Palmy North’s a great place with a bustling rural economy, a seat of learning, in Massey University, for our future agricultural innovators and windmills on the hill.

My only gripe with Palmy is, that after a wonderful evening in Fielding at the Steak of Origin competition, I had to pay a $5 “domestic departure development levy” to depart turbine territory. And when I went to pay this usurious fee, the bloke at the payment counter did not accept eftpos. So I say to Palmerston North, this is bollocks! Air New Zealand has already had its pound of flesh, don’t expect me to pay for your failed international airport status.

# Bouquet: For the second week running, goes to Beef + Lamb New Zealand.
Meaty Mike Petersen, the chairman of the fine aforementioned organization, was a bit miffed with my comments last week that maybe his beloved Red Meat Sector Strategy contained well-intentioned platitudes we’d all heard before. So just to prove I’m a fair and reasonable man, and not the bitter cynic Meaty Mike suggested, I’m going to once again sing the praises of B+LNZ.

Chief executive Rod Slater, the man who set up the Mad Butcher chain with Sir Peter Leitch, knows a thing or two about red meat. And he knows a thing or two about how to promote it. There can be no finer example than the B+LNZ stable of Iron Maidens. The Evers-Swindell twins, the two Sarahs (Ulmer and Walker) and Commonwealth Games golden girl Allison Shanks are pure marketing gold and worth every sirloin steak and lamb chop B+LNZ sends their way.

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

The Red Meat Sector Strategy launch

2011-05-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Red Meat Sector Strategy launch.

People in black ties gathered to talk about red meat in Wellington. King Keith Cooper of Silver Fern Farms was right on the money with his proclamation the report contained “no silver bullet”, rather it was laying out where a panacea could be. There were lots of well-intentioned platitudes but haven’t we heard it all before?

From an outsider looking in, it would appear there’s a fundamental flaw in the structure of the red meat industry. Until the meat companies stop fighting each other for stock at the farm gate, stop competing to sell meat to the same customers off shore, and until farmers are prepared to show absolute loyalty and invest in their cooperatives, the industry will remain fractured.

The dairy industry structure is not perfect. But it’s less flawed than its sheep and beef counterparts.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Budget.

On Thursday Bill English will deliver the third Budget of the first John Key government. Unlike the stealth attacks of Rob Muldoon’s beer and ‘baccy budgets, most of the significant announcements have been well signaled. We are borrowing a whopping $380 million a week to keep the country afloat. Either we spend less or earn more. Farmers are doing their bit to make the latter happen but severe spending cuts will be the order of the day for whoever gets the Treasury benches on November 26. This week’s Budget could be a stroll in the park compared to next year’s when election promises about KiwiSaver, student loans, tax cuts and the sale of state-owned assets no longer have to be adhered to.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The injury toll in Super rugby.

A lot of old-timers, myself included, have often the lamented how easy the modern rugby player gets it compared to “our day”. Don’t fool yourself. Rugby is now a brutal gladiatorial physical contest. In the good old days skinny blokes could play on the wing, fat guys could prop, little chaps could play halfback and those shy on the tackle could be hidden at first five-eighth. Nowadays there’s nowhere to hide. I’m glad I played when there was somewhere for the faint-hearted!

# Brickbat: Hone has a first, second and third mortgage on this title.

Here’s a great e-mail I received this week from well known Canterbury farmer Stu Loe:

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in e-mails, BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 22 million people. We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on. Please keep it going! To show your support for the MP, Hone Harawira, and the job he is doing, please go to the end of the list and add your name...

1. Titiwhai Harawira
2.

# Bouquet: Beef and Lamb New Zealand.
It’s always difficult to quantify the effectiveness of industry-good organizations such as the aforementioned. When you’re spending farmer levy-payer money it’s doubly difficult to please all of the people all of the time. For what it’s worth I reckon Beef and Lamb New Zealand do a sterling job promoting red meat with their two marquee events – the Glammies (at the Wanaka Show) for lamb and the Steak of Origin for beef.

Tomorrow night in Fielding at the Beef Expo the most tender and tasty sirloin steak in the land will be decided from twelve farmer finalists, seven from the North Island, five from the South. Judges include the beauty and the beast, Allison Shanks and Richard Loe, chef Graham Hawkes, food writer Julie Biuso and yours truly.

It sounds like an easy job but swallowing twenty mouthfuls of steak (there are also eight entries in the Best of Brand section) and picking the best from the best of the 400 original entries, is anything but.

# Bugger: The weather.

Some townies reckon you can never please a cocky. To the uninitiated that might seem to have some validity but my experience of farmers and farming is that you’re at the mercy of three elements you have no control over, whatsoever. International commodity prices, the exchange rate and the bloody weather!

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

The weather gods and Osama Bin Laden

2011-05-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The weather gods and Osama Bin Laden.

While large tracts of the South Island have been enjoying a relatively golden spell of late autumn weather, farmers on the wrong side of the Cook Strait have had a hammering. None more so than the bunch of cockies in a small band of coastal Hawkes Bay who were on the receiving end of six month’s rain in two days. This isolated weather bomb has wreaked havoc on the scale of 1988’s Cyclone Bola but because of the relative few affected the story has been shunted to back pages by the likes of the Royal Wedding, the Auckland tornado and Bin Laden.

Speaking of whom, even though the world is a much better place bereft of its most-wanted terrorist there was a little silver lining for farmers in the land of the long white cloud with an associated strengthening of the greenback following his demise.

Now we only need to sort out Gaddafi, Mugabe, Castro and Co. and the dollar will be back to US70 cents!

# Big Political Story of the Week: Far Out! The Far Left, the Far Right.

The Act Party are an odd bunch. Their brand is built around minimum government expenditure, reducing bureaucratic waste, and perk-busting yet their hitherto leader milked the system for all it was worth. Their new leader was not even a member of the party when he declared his leadership aspirations. The fate of the party was effectively decided by their newest MP, who’d been in parliament for two minutes and only because she took the place of someone who took the name of a dead baby. Confused? How do you think the voters will feel?

As for Hone Harawira, if he holds the country to electoral ransom by forcing an expensive by-election then he deserves every bit of vitriol and scorn poured upon him. Pull your head in Hone and think of what that $600,000 could do for some of your struggling constituents.

I never thought I’d write this but compared to the Act and Mana parties, the Greens look decidedly sensible and stable.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Duckshooting.

Some call it a sport. Some a blood sport. Others label it a religion. For many farming folk the first Saturday in May is sacrosanct. So important in some regions, the other rural religion, rugby, is postponed for the day. Say no more.

# Brickbat: No Milk Mondays. Who are these Mothers?

A bunch of well-intentioned but misguided mums have started a “No Milk Mondays” campaign against Fonterra which they accuse of profiteering and being “a bully in the playground”.

Yes, milk has increased in price by 10% in the past year but what about petrol, meat and bread? By my reckoning all have superseded milk in the price-rise department.
Fonterra has put in place a voluntary freeze on the price of milk domestically. While they’re tilting at windmills, the no-milk Monday mums might be better served petitioning the fuel companies for a price freeze.

# Bouquet: The Royal Family.

I tip my hat to Queen Elizabeth II who ascended to the throne in 1953 and has not put a foot wrong since. Unfortunately, the same could not be said for her offspring who have all been, at times, accident prone. Despite the foibles of Charles, Anne, Andrew and Edward the cavalry is on its way in the form of William who appears to be an incredibly well-rounded and grounded individual. He has a regal aura mixed with a down to earth demeanour. His beautiful Princess bride also appears to be born to the job even though she’s a commoner. William’s cause is also not harmed by his good looks and the fact that he hasn’t fallen into his father’s trap of talking to plants and expressing a desire, on occasion, to be a tampon.

# Bugger: Off Hone. This country has no place for your divisive, separatist nonsense.

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

I write this column, racked with guilt, on Anzac Day

2011-05-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

I write this column, racked with guilt, on Anzac Day. For this is the first time in 18 years, with the exception of two overseas sojourns, I’ve not actively paid tribute to those brave and selfless souls who made the ultimate sacrifice for our country.

Some friends asked us to join them at Dawn Parade but the weather looked a bit dodgy and I’d stayed up late the evening previous watching the latest Bruce Willis movie. There’s a rather sad irony in the fact I’d chosen the comfort of a sleep-in off the back of a corny action flick rather than reflect on the plight of those who’d seen real action.

I can’t plead ignorance, only apathy, because my family has a real Anzac connection. My grandfather cut his teeth at Gallipoli, later having the misfortune to serve on the Western Front in one of the bloodiest battles of them all, the Somme.

My uncle saw action in World War II in Italy, including the battle at Cassino. Family folklore famously had him being quoted during a Southland snow storm at lambing as saying “Cassino was luxury compared to this. The only bastard I had to worry about over there was myself!”

The greatest disappointment of my father’s life was the war ended when he was 17 before he could enlist. For young farm boys war was a great adventure and a chance to see the world.

The Anzac connection does not end there. A third generation has taken up the reigns in the form of my brother, who had a mid-life change of direction from farming to academia when he completed a doctorate in history based around Gallipoli.

There’s one more war connection. I owe a lot of what little knowledge I’ve accrued over the years to Alan Young, a wonderfully inspiring headmaster I had at Riversdale primary school 40 years ago. He, too, was a veteran of Cassino and I can recall being enthralled when he regaled us with the good bits of his wartime experience, albeit a much watered-down version for young and impressionable ears.

I remember, in panic, doing the sums on the probable timing of a likely World War III. There was a 25-year interval (1914 to 1939) between the beginning of the Great War and World War II. Logic therefore suggested 1964 was the year for another all-in scrap. The Cuban missile crisis of 1962 had seen the world narrowly avert World War III, so I figured, sitting in my classroom in the late 1960s that we were well overdue for the big one. So much so, I hoped we’d get World War III out of the way before I got to the age of conscription!

As it transpired, my fears were groundless. Mercifully, unlike my Anzac predecessors, I didn’t have to put my courage to the test. And mercifully, unlike my Anzac predecessors, age has wearied me and the years have condemned. As a result I’d probably be as much use in the heat of battle as Don Brash at a nuclear-free rally.

As a final aside, the other memory that sticks in my mind from primary school days was Alan Young’s assertion that it was a matter of when, not if, Foot and Mouth Disease arrived in New Zealand and the disastrous ramifications it would have for our economy (remembering that these were the Holyoake years of milk and honey, when our economy was almost entirely dependent on agriculture).

Thankfully like World War III, Foot and Mouth has yet to eventuate. The prospect of either doesn’t bear thinking about. And I can’t think of a time since the 1960s when agriculture was more important to the New Zealand economy. Lest we forget. ENDS>

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

Someone once told me the average age of a sheep farmer in New Zealand is 55 years

2011-04-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me the average age of a sheep farmer in New Zealand is 55 years.

That puts your average cocky bang in the middle of the baby boomer age strata (i.e those born between 1946 and 1964). It also puts your average cocky smack in the middle, age-wise, of those cycling the Central Otago Rail Trail.

I’ve just finished the Rail Trail with two Southland sheep farmers and our respective wives. With an average age of 51, our group almost felt like babies amongst the baby boomers on the trail. You’re never too old for adventure.

The Rail Trail is a quintessential Kiwi experience I would recommend to anyone regardless (almost) of their age and fitness. Trains were not built for steep inclines and neither are aging ‘boomers’, so the hardest part of the adventure is actually hardening your backside for four days in the saddle.

The journey spans just over 150 kilometres from Clyde to Middlemarch, passing through Alexandra, Omakau, the Ida Valley, Ranfurly and Hyde along the way. You can start at either end, it doesn’t really matter because Clyde and Middlemarch are at roughly the same altitude, so effectively when you decide which way to go you’re taking a punt on the wind direction.

The beauty of the Rail Trail, other than the stunning scenery, is the fact that you’re biking along a railway track built more than a century ago, essentially by pick and shovel. That our forebears were able to forge a railway line through such rugged country in such a challenging climate, was an engineering masterpiece.

The origins of the Central Otago line date back to 1879 when the first sod was turned at Wingatui, just outside Dunedin, but the railway took 42 years to make the 236 kilometre journey to its final destination of Cromwell.

The Clyde to Cromwell section was flooded by the Clyde High Dam in the ‘Think Big’ 1980s, while the Dunedin to Middlemarch leg stills exists as the Taieri Gorge tourist train. The bits in the middle make up the Central Otago Rail Trail.

Although it’s hard to see anywhere in the country competing with Central Otago for scenery or climate, the Rail Trail is a blueprint for other regions that want to regenerate the rural hinterland. Little pubs in far-flung places such as Chatto Creek, Ophir, Oturehua, Wedderburn and Waipiata were dying a slow and painful death with the advent of Rogernomics, rural depopulation and drink-driving laws. The Rail Trail has breathed new life into the businesses and they are now a cultural oasis along the dry and dusty track.

Every little nook and cranny along the Trail has its own unique history. My favourite tale related to the tragic Hyde Rail Disaster of June 1943. Twenty one lives were lost when the train driver, under the influence of alcohol, took a corner at twice the speed he should have. One young husband among the injured refused to believe his wife, who had been laid out with the deceased, was in fact dead. He lay beside her to keep her warm and in doing so saved her life as she was only unconscious, although badly injured. She was also found to be pregnant. She later had a baby and the couple was able to buy a farm in North Otago with the help of compensation money received from the Railways. A happy ending to a sad tale.

Farmers, this is a trip you need to put on your Bucket List. Most of you, by the very nature of your occupation, work too hard and too long. Most of you also spend a lifetime accumulating wealth you never spend.

By the time you reach that average age of 55 you have, in Central Otago Rail Trail parlance, reached the highest point of Wedderburn and are on your way downhill. Before you reach your final destination, you need to get off life’s bike and take time to smell the Central Otago wild flowers along the way.

I promise you the Rail Trail will not disappoint. ENDS.

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

Calm seas for farming

2011-04-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: Calm seas for farming.

Other than an annoyingly high dollar, it’s pretty much plain sailing for many farmers who are enjoying record returns and a reasonably kind season. Only Marlborough and North Canterbury remain relatively dry. In the past year wool has more than doubled in price, lamb and beef returns have increased by more than a third and dairy products are up 20%. Farmers should make hay while the sun shines!

# Big Political Story of the Week: “Self-serving unionists and a gaggle of gays!”

Maverick West Coast Labour MP Damien O’Connor came up with best one-liner since Steve Hansen’s “flush the dunny and move on”. This one might even join the immortals such as Ed Hillary’s “We knocked the bastard off”, Peter Jones’ “I’m absolutely buggered”, Justice Peter Mahon’s “Orchestrated litany of lies” and Mark Todd’s “That’s a curly one”.

The PC Brigade in the Labour Party was not amused but I almost detected an amused smirk from the under-siege leader Phil Goff. I’ve never met Goff but I’ve interviewed him enough times to think the Clevedon hobby farmer wouldn’t be a bad bloke to share a beer with. In the Labour Party terms he’s probably a centrist/right member and I wouldn’t mind betting a good part of him agrees with O’Connor’s message, if not his delivery. Never say never, but Labour looks terminal in election year. Oh for a Helen Clark, Michael Cullen or Steve Maharey to right the listing Labour list.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Masters. Ah the magnificent Masters.

I’m only a weekend warrior when it comes to golf. I have neither the patience, temperament or ability to master sport’s most technically demanding game. That didn’t stop me savouring every moment of the 75th Masters at Augusta. And it didn’t stop me feeling for young Rory McIlroy when he had a meltdown triple-bogey most hapless hackers would be proud to call their own.

An honourable mention goes to Sonny Bill Williams. Like many I’ve had to eat humble pie and admit I was wrong in thinking $BW wouldn’t make the transition to the top All Blacks XV. In boxing parlance, he is the real deal. Legendary Lions’ star Barry John introduced New Zealand to round-the-corner goal kicking in 1971. Now, $BW has added his own indelible calling card to the game of rugby - the offload.

# Brickbat: Campbell Live’s crusade against milk prices and Fonterra.

The tabloid current affairs show has a sniff of Fonterra blood in the milk vat and is circling for the kill. Yes milk is expensive. Yes it’s a staple. And yes John Campbell is right to go in to bat for the families for whom milk is now a luxury item. But he’s tilting at the wrong windmill. The price of milk is not a result of price gouging by Fonterra or its 11,000 shareholder farmers. It’s a reflection of the price of dairy products on the world market. Fonterra has already shown itself to be a responsible corporate citizen by freezing the price of milk, any further subsidy can only come from one source – the government.

What’s next in Campbell’s crusade? Fruit, vegetables, beef, lamb? Bought a porterhouse steak or a leg of lamb lately? Watch your back sheep and beef farmers. You’re next!

# Bouquet: Central Otago.

By the time you read this or, conversely, light the fire with it, I will have all but finished cycling the Central Otago Rail Trail, 150 glorious kilometres from Clyde to Middlemarch through the nation’s most beautifully barren landscape. This country is heaven on our back doorstep. We must, at all costs, conserve and preserve it.

# Bugger: No July 22 All Blacks test at the new Dunedin Stadium.

OK Fiji was never going to be much chop but that didn’t matter because the All Blacks would have been christening the new stadium. Otago v Manawatu in the ITM Cup just doesn’t hold the same appeal. Bring on Elton John on November 26!

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

The Fonterra Global Dairy Trade Event

2011-04-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Fonterra Global Dairy Trade Event.

After the 8.2% drop in the March 15 auction, last week’s result was anxiously awaited. In the wash up, a drop of 2.4% was viewed as a good result. The law of gravity was always going to come in to play and the combined 10.6% drop of the last two auctions only just negates the 9.8% rise of the February 15 and March 1 auctions. Besides, if international prices went any higher, we’d have every man and his dog around the globe having a crack at dairying. We’ve been there, done that, with boom and bust. A stable payout beginning with a 7 will do quite nicely thanks!

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Economy.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, along comes the Canterbury earthquake and the billion dollar-plus bailout of the dodgy finance company industry (see brickbat below). There’s not a single soul in the country who begrudges paying for the havoc wreaked by the Canterbury quakes because there, but for the grace of God, go all of us. What does stick in the craw, however, is the prospect of us, the taxpayers, shelling out for the greed, stupidity and commercial imprudence of others.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The All Blacks Midfield.

The debate over Ma’a Nonu and Conrad Smith versus Sonny Bill Williams and Robbie Fruean is shaping to rival some of the great All Black rugby rivalries over the years. You can add this one to the likes of Fergie McCormick v Mick Williment, Chris Laidlaw v Sid Going, Allan Hewson v Robbie Deans, Buck Shelford v Zinzan Brooke and Grant Fox v Frano Botica,

And an honourable mention to Otago bowler, Neil Wagner, for his five wickets-in-an-over effort against Wellington. Technically it’s a double hat trick and a five-for in one over!

# Brickbat: South Canterbury Finance.

As a prelude to my comments, I want to acknowledge Allan Hubbard is still seen as a financial demigod by many, especially in his home province, and that there can be no denying he has lent a helping hand to many business people when others didn’t want to know, especially farmers.

That said, what has gone on at South Canterbury Finance is inexcusable. Heads have to roll. A billion dollar bill is nothing short of criminal.

And, an abhorrent mention to Clayton Weatherston, for appealing his murder conviction. Our legal system is an ass for allowing such an injustice.

# Bouquet: Jim Hopkins.

For 21 years of service to the Young Farmers Contest. Being an MC can be a thankless task, especially in an open arena where you’re battling large crowds who don’t always want to listen. But Hopkins has always done the job with great humour, aplomb and sage use of the Queen’s language. He’s been an admirable advocate for rural New Zealand. We wish him all the best for his tilt at higher political honours!

# Bugger: The New Zealand Dollar.

I know! I know! We’re a commodity currency and when world primary commodity prices are high, our dollar goes up in sympathy. I also recognize a high dollar is not all bad. Imports are cheaper and it is, after all, a reflection of our net worth on the global economic market.

However, there can be no denying New Zealand farmers would benefit greatly from a dollar that is closer to US70 cents than 80. I’m not old enough to remember the wool boom of the 1950s or the milk and honey of the Holyoake years. What I do know though, is that in the thirty-odd years I’ve been directly involved with agriculture, I can’t recall a time when all the farming planets were in such alignment. We’ve got high international commodity prices, a burgeoning Asian economy on our doorstep, a lack of supply on world markets for what we produce and the absence of a major summer drought anywhere in the country to stymie production.

All we need now is a self-proclaimed messiah with a magic wand to make the dollar drop. Where’s Winston Peters when you need him?

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

Have dairy prices peaked?

2011-04-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: Have dairy prices peaked?

This week’s Global Dairy Trade Event will make interesting viewing. The March 15 event, straight off the back of the Japan earthquake resulted in an 8.2% drop in the price of the basket of dairy products Fonterra measures. World money markets have settled down somewhat and the fundamentals for agricultural commodities remain buoyant. Dairy farmers will be hoping this translates, on Tuesday night, to a stabilized world dairy market.

# Big Political Story of the Week: A redhead caught red-handed then red-carded?

Everyone who knows Darren Hughes likes him. Unfortunately for Dazza, politics is a brutal game where innocence, until proven guilty, is not a given. Innocent or otherwise, Hughes made a foolhardy decision, a choice that will cost him the career he’s dedicated his life to.

The Labour Party, almost devoid of affable personalities on the front bench, cannot afford to lose the likes of Hughes. Although David Cunliffe covets Phil Goff’s job, the only likely candidate to challenge John Key in the charisma stakes is Shane Jones. And he’s still got his hands full doing porn penance!

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Cricket World Cup.

Unfortunately it wasn’t to be. Yet again the Black Caps faltered at the semi-final hurdle. But let’s not be too tough on them. They’re picked from about 100 first class cricketers. The likes of India chooses from hundreds of thousands.

For me there’s only one real sports story this week and that’s the Masters from the Mecca of golf, Augusta National. Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson are still the sentimental and bookies’ favourites but Lee Westwood, Martin Kaymer, Luke Donald, Dustin Johnson and Rory McIlroy have got to be worth a shout.

# Brickbat: Bureaucrats and Bullying.

We’ve recently witnessed some dreadful footage of bullying in schools. This is not a new phenomenon. It’s been going on since Tom Brown’s school days. We’re just more aware of it these days with the plethora of electronic and social media. Forget a limp-wristed response to this age-old problem. Bullies generally only understand one language. So to hear some faceless bureaucrat from a government social agency suggesting we also needed to take into account the feelings of the bullies, is a perfect example of why Bill English culling some jobs in Wellington is not necessarily a bad thing.

Oh and an honourable mention for our national carrier Air New Zealand for price gouging off the back of the Rugby World Cup. Try getting from Invercargill to Auckland and back again for less than $1000 around the RWC quarters, semis or finals time.

# Bouquet: Richie and the Royal Wedding!

If we ever needed proof our All Blacks captain was all class, then it was reinforced by his decision to red-card the royal wedding. McCaw could have been in London on April 29 for Will and Kate’s nuptials, rubbing shoulders with royalty, world leaders, pop stars and sporting heroes. Instead he has chosen, in RWC year, to be with his Crusaders mates in Perth for a game they could win with their B team.

# Bugger: The Japan Earthquake.

Why did it have to happen to such a nice race of people? There’s a wonderful e-mail doing the rounds about what the rest of the world could learn from the dignified and calm Japanese response to tragedy. Here’s an excerpt:

“When the power went off in a store, people put things back on the shelves and left quietly! There were disciplined queues for water and groceries. People bought only what they needed for the present, so everybody could get something. Restaurants cut prices. An unguarded ATM was left alone. There was no looting in shops. No honking and no overtaking on the roads. Fifty workers selflessly stayed back to pump sea water into the reactors to prevent nuclear meltdown.”

While the Kiwi response to the Canterbury earthquake has been heartwarming, it speaks volumes of the Japanese that we can still learn a lot from them.

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

The world economy and Ken Ring

2011-03-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The world economy and Ken Ring.

Is the global economy going to hell in a handcart or do the woes of Japan present an opportunity for New Zealand farmers? No one likes to benefit from the misery and misfortune of others but Japan is in desperate need of food of the clean, green, nuclear-free variety. With radiation already detected in spinach and milk in Japan, the door is ajar for New Zealand to fill the breach.

As for Ken Ring, the nation and its farmers are divided. No one engenders more negative (and positive) comment on the Farming Show than the Moon Man. Personally, I like him and anyone who knows Ring will attest to his good character. His judgment, however, is questionable at best.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The New Zealand economy and Ken Ring.

As a nation we need to borrow $10 billion to pay for the Christchurch earthquake. There’s no new money for the Budget with $800 million to be pruned from Government expenditure to reallocate to health and education spending. Where are those savings going to be made? Let’s start by gassing some of the ridiculous Ministries (Women’s Affairs springs readily to mind) set up by previous administrations. ACC is a bumbling bureaucracy. The Student Loan scheme is a rort for many. And it beggars belief that any family (regardless of how many kids they have) with a combined household income of $100,000 should qualify for Working For Families. Oh, and while we’re looking at sensible cuts to government spending, let’s chop the number of politicians from 120 (plus) to 90. MMP sees too many no-hopers gainfully employed at our expense.

As for Ken Ring, the politicians led by nerdy Nick Smith, were quick to distance themselves from the lunar looney.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The cracking Crusaders, the crappy Cricket World Cup (pre quarter finals) or the super nova Novak Djokovich. Take your pick.

As for Ken Ring, his predictions for Christchurch on March 20 were not very sporting at all.

# Brickbat: Auckland and Ken Ring.

Auckland is a city of haves and have nots. Go to Parnell, Ponsonby or the Viaduct Basin and enjoy all the glitz and glamour the Queen City has to offer. Spend some time, as I did last weekend, at the Takanini Hilton, and see firsthand some of the squalor the City of Sails has on offer. And Papakura is several rungs up the socio-economic ladder from the likes of Otara and Mangere.

I think of rural servicing towns such as Taihape, Eketahuna and Gore (where I used to live), or bigger cities, the likes of Palmerston North or Timaru, that sometimes wrongly get a bad rap nationally and I can’t help but feel how lucky the citizens of those great towns are, not to live in the rat race which is our biggest city.

As for Ken Ring, he lives in Auckland. Maybe that’s Ken’s real problem?

# Bouquet: The Farmy Army and Ken Ring.

Federated Farmers again led from the front (end loader) in the fight to clean up Christchurch.

As for Ken Ring, love him or loathe him, you have to begrudgingly admire the amount of publicity the former mathematician and magician has conjured up for himself. Guess who’s going to be topping the best-sellers list for his weather Almanac?

# Bugger: North Africa, the Middle East and Ken Ring.

I’ve often mused aloud why all the oil is under the unstable, nutty, despot-ridden countries? Sensible and serene nations such as Switzerland and Sweden would surely have been far more suitable guardians of the black gold that drives the world’s economy. Mind you, having said that, it could be that water is the colourless gold that drives economies in the 21st century. If that’s the case, then New Zealand is poised to cash in as a nation with a plentiful supply of the precious resource. That’s providing, of course, our friend the Moon Man predicts plenty of rain for the remainder of the century!

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

The rise of wool from the ashes

2011-03-21T09:00:00.001-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The rise of wool from the ashes.

While the dairy industry remains the star of the agricultural commodity stable and sheep and beef farmers are enjoying record returns for meat, the wool industry has risen from the dead. Admittedly, this resurrection has been from an appallingly low base but this was an industry on its knees, one that had been confined to a by-product of the sheep meat industry. The current price of $6.40/kg (clean) is the highest since 1988’s $6.88 ($11.50 inflation adjusted), but it’s miniscule compared to the Korean War wool boom of 1951 when prices peaked at the equivalent of $64.60/kg in today's money.

# Big Political Story of the Week: They can’t help themselves!

Politics has quite rightly taken a back seat to some catastrophic global events of late but it doesn’t take some politicians long to forget such trivialities in an effort to score cheap political points. The bipartisan approach which buoyed us after the events of February 22 has largely dissipated and the demise of the Rugby World Cup in Christchurch will be next in line for a cheap political shot.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: Rugby’s worst kept secret.

While the Crusaders did their best to perk up dispirited Cantabrians with a spirited display against the Brumbies in Nelson, their home fans will now be jumping on a plane to watch the RWC.

And a “full credit” must go to the Highlanders, not only for their gutsy performances on the field but also for the class and camaraderie they are displaying off the paddock. Having returned from an arduous double-header in South Africa, and having snatched only two hours sleep amongst 30 hours of travel, most of the squad landed in Dunedin and the made the nearly-two hour road journey to Gore to attend the funeral of the father of one of their squad. Dead on their feet, they stood on their feet at the back of a crammed church for the best part of an hour and a half to support one of their team mates.

# Brickbat: The political correctness pervading Wellington.

A tongue-in-cheek comment on the Farming Show about sampling horse semen (I kid you not – it was on offer at the Hokitika Wild Food Festival) sent my fellow columnist Steve Wyn-Harris spiraling into a schoolboy frenzy. Without my knowledge, he set wheels in motion for yours truly to swallow some sticky stuff in the name of fundraising for the Canterbury earthquake. So you can imagine my surprise when I received a phone call from the Prime Minister’s office, suggesting that such an act was not in good taste (no pun intended).

I’m very proud the Farming Show has helped in directly raising more the $55,000 for the earthquake fund and agree Wyn-Harris’ well-intentioned fundraising gesture was somewhat bad taste. But I was capable of coming to that conclusion myself. Surely the PM’s office has more serious matters of state to attend to?

# Bouquet: The Platinum Primary Producers Club.

This is an annual gathering of farming and agribusiness leaders organized by the chief executive of Allflex Australasia, Shane McManaway. There was a lot of agricultural, commercial and financial clout in one room. The result? An astonishing $40,000 raised for a rugby jersey donated by Sir Colin Meads for the Canterbury earthquake appeal.

# Bugger: The earthquake, subsequent tsunami and nuclear meltdown in Japan.

We witnessed death and destruction on a biblical scale which has numerically dwarfed the Canterbury earthquake. However, as agonizingly ghastly as Japan is, we must not forget charity begins at home and we must not forget Christchurch. This is a disaster that will scar for a generation.

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

The farming planets finally in alignment?

2011-03-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The farming planets finally in alignment?

At the time of writing I’m second-guessing Dr Allan Bollard will have dropped the Official Cash Rate. While this is bad news for savers and suckers with perpetual bonds, it’s great for the engine room of our economy. For farmers there’s never been a better time to borrow money, so long as the banks play ball. The farming planets, it would seem, are finally in alignment. Record international commodity prices, a shortage of supply, a burgeoning and protein-hungry Asian economy, a climatically-favourable summer for many, a falling exchange rate and now interest rates at record (or near) lows. Land is of course, still too dear, but at 20-30% below its 2007-08 peak, in relative terms it’s good buying. If I was 20 years younger I’d be back farming!

# Big Political Story of the Week: Simon Power.

Over the years I’ve interviewed most of our political heavyweights. Some you warm to immediately and it’s not hard to see why the voters are taken by their charisma. I’d put John Key, Winston Peters (even though his policies suck) and the late Rod Donald in that category. Others take time to acclimatize to. Frosty but friendlier-when-you-earn-her-trust Helen Clark heads that list. Bill English’s undoubted boyish Southland charm is not immediately evident to all, especially on television, while Don Brash was quite the charmer given the chance, which he never was. Some are downright obnoxious, others patently arrogant and the odd one surprisingly thick! They shall remain unnamed.

Simon Power has charisma. Until last week, if Key was run over by a bus, Power would have been the choice of many to lead the National Party into an election. English would make a good PM given the chance, but he blew his chance when he accepted the poisoned chalice in 2002. This country’s next PM now that Power has stepped aside? Whip down to the TAB and place a sly $10 on Steven Joyce.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Highlanders.

It was going to be the courageous Crusaders until the hoe-into-them Highlanders stole the limelight at the Loftus Versfeld fortress in Pretoria. Superbly led by Southland farmer Jamie (Hand of God) Mackintosh, ably backed up by Southland plumber Jason Rutledge, aided and abetted by a couple of cracker Otago townies in Adam Thomson and Alando Soakai, throw in a tough-as-teak Taranaki boy Jarrad Hoeata and we’ve still got Colin Slade to come back. Wow!

# Brickbat: Hone Harawira and Sue Bradford.

Call them dysfunctional, political misfits, loose cannons or whatever. I reckon they’re trouble with a capital T (for Titewhai) if they join forces to form an unholy alliance of the far left. Harawira was born to stand outside the tent peeing in. Bradford is a contradiction. From a well-to-do middle class family her demeanour defies her reputed high intelligence. Either way these Luddites have little to offer the farming community or a 21st century economy.

# Bouquet: Sir Colin Meads.

For giving the Farming Show the honour of auctioning one of his most prized possessions for the Canterbury earthquake fund. It’s a rarity, a No. 8 All Blacks jersey he wore when Canterbury defeated the All Blacks 11-9 at Lancaster Park in 1957. Fingers crossed that wonderful rugby ground sees some World Cup action later this year.

# Bugger: The earthquake.

If indeed Christchurch is to lose 10,000 buildings, including a good portion of its beautiful and defining heritage buildings, then it’s truly a sad day for New Zealand architecture. In my misspent youth I spent a year at Lincoln College. Quite a bit of that year was spent in a beautiful heritage building we’ve seen quite a lot of recently on television. The Carlton Hotel was a lovely old pub. The King of Pubs is dead. Long live the Garden City.

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

The Earthquake

2011-03-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

# Big Farming Story of the Week: The Earthquake.

While rural areas were relatively unscathed, the farming community has covered itself in glory off the back of a swift and decisive response to those in need. The “Farmy Army”, which charged into town on tractors with front-end loaders at the ready to battle the evil forces of liquefaction, was a credit to the organizational skills of Federated Farmers.

The corporate farming world has also been to the forefront with Fonterra leading the charge, ably supported by the likes of Silver Fern Farms and Ballance Agri-Nutrients, right down to the sterling efforts of Canterbury-based water contractors such as Bleeker Contracting and Raymond Hart.

# Big Political Story of the Week: The Earthquake.

As was the case with the September 4 quake, the pragmatic and unflappable John Key has been to the fore. Gerry Brownlee continues to exude calm just as he did at Pike River, but the real star of the show has once again been Christchurch mayor Bob Parker. I must confess to thinking his initial election to office was a shallow television personality getting home courtesy of profile alone. How wrong I was!

There has been no petty political points scoring and for that our political leaders are to be congratulated. Key and Bill English now just have to figure out how to pay for the whole damn mess and that’s where the farming-led export recovery will come to the party and pay the piper.

# Big Sporting Story of the Week: The Earthquake.

There’s no escaping it and sport has not been spared. AMI Stadium is out of action for six months, casting a dark shadow over Christchurch’s ability to host the Rugby World Cup, even before contemplating accommodation issues in town. The QEII complex, scene of the 1974 Commonwealth Games, is a crumpled ruin and nearly every Christchurch-based sporting franchise is looking for a new home. During dark times, pained people look to sports and sports stars for a welcome respite. Thankfully Richie and Dan are OK!

# Brickbat: The looters and scammers.

While the bravery, selflessness, tenacity and downright generosity of the human spirit has been a joy to behold in the aftermath of the earthquake, the actions of some beggar belief. The PC Brigade would never allow it but I say bring back the 19th century public stocks, put the perpetrators in them, publically name and shame them and let the good folk of Christchurch loose with a truck load of rotten fruit.

# Bouquet: Steve Wyn-Harris.

My fellow columnist and long-time acquaintance (I’m wary of saying friend because that would make me sound exclusive, as Steve has so few) is the most miserable and mean man I know. He would skin a louse if he thought he could sell the carcass. This Hawkes Bay land barron is so tight he once slept in his farm ute at the Golden Shears in Masterton rather than shell out for a night’s accommodation.

But tragedy often brings out the best in us all and last week Steve raided his hitherto unopened piggy bank, painfully extracted $400 (every one of them a prisoner) and paid his own way to Christchurch to help out in the aftermath of the earthquake.

Steve, my friend, I tip my hat to you!

# Bugger: Mother Nature.

Only a woman scorned could be such a cruel mistress! The jury might be out on global warming but with floods, droughts, snowstorms, disease, pestilence and now earthquakes on the menu you’ve got to wonder what we here in Godzone have done to so offend the Gods of nature.

Footnote: Jamie Mackay is the host of the Farming Show which airs on Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB. In a past life a Southland sheep farmer, these days he comments on farming, politics and sport for a living from the relative safety and comfort of his radio studio in Dunedin.

2010-12-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

I’m often accused of living in the past, so today I want to look to the future. Could this possibly be my column on Friday, October 28, 2011?

Sunday’s Rugby World Cup final at Eden Park was never going to be easy for Steve Hansen’s All Blacks. Following his nasty car park altercation with arch-nemesis Robbie Deans, the scene was set for the most dramatic final since South Africa 1995.

Favoritism sat easily with the red-hot Wallabies who’d enjoyed an unbeaten Tri-Nations campaign, amassed 367 unanswered points in the RWC round robin games, walloped Ireland 67-18 in the quarter-final and were even more impressive mauling France 51-3 in the semis, with James O’Connor repeating his heroics from Paris last year.

By contrast the All Blacks had been hamstrung in their build up to the tournament final. Following a rollicking 2010, where 13 of 14 test matches were won impressively, 2011 provided an agonizing run in to the biggest prize in world rugby.

Graham Henry’s shock resignation following a disastrous, injury-ravaged Tri-Nation’s campaign did little for a team already rocked by Dan Carter’s season-ending knee injury. To make matters worse, talisman Richie McCaw had only played a limited role, due to a recurring concussion problem from the sickening Bakkies Botha late tackle in Wellington.

With no Carter, McCaw effectively all but invalided out of the tournament and Sonny Bill Williams defecting to the Dallas Cowboys, it was left to some of the lesser lights to lead the way at Eden Park. Southland’s surprise package Jamie Mackintosh was admirable replacing the irreplaceable Tony Woodcock, while fellow Highlander Colin Slade continued his commendable 2011, proving life does exist post-Carter.

Without doubt though, the All Blacks owed their epic 13-12 World Cup victory to the most maligned man of 2010, Waikato’s Stephen Donald. Initially unwanted by Hansen, Donald was only thrown a lifeline with the injuries to Carter and Auckland’s Gareth Anscombe.

With fulltime showing following Matt Todd’s injury-time try, Donald, who’d only been on the park for three minutes as a result of Slade’s chronic cramping, was asked to kick the winning sideline conversion.

A nation held its anguished, collective breath, remembering the horrors of 2010. Atonement awaited. Donald duly obliged. Rugby immortality and a Jockey contract were now surely his.

Halberg nominations

2010-12-13T09:00:00.001-08:00

The Halberg nominations are out. Here’s how I saw 2010:

Sportsman of the Year: Will most probably be Ryan Nelsen. Benji Marshall had a great year but I’d like to see Richie McCaw become the first All Black, since Wilson Whineray in 1965, to win the overall Halberg Award.

Sportswoman of the Year: Valerie Adams was always going to win gold at the Commonwealth Games but she blotted her copybook with some issues out of the circle. Nikki Hamblin was sensational in winning two silver medals on the track but for me the deserving winner is the delightful Ali Shanks who broke our gold medal drought in Delhi.

Sports Team of the Year: An honourable mention goes to the Stags, rowers Eric Murray and Hamish Bond, the Silver Ferns in Delhi, the Kiwis for winning the Four Nations (which in all reality is the Two Nations), the All Blacks for 13 wins from 14 outings but you can’t go past the All Whites’ undefeated run in South Africa.

The Halberg Award: Will go to the All Whites.

Sporting Bouquet of the Year: The FIFA World Cup was fun to follow. Not only for the All Whites’ excellent effort and England’s totally predictable four-yearly capitulation but also for the extra sensory perception shown by Paul the Octopus. Born in England but raised in a tank in Germany, this curious collection of calamari was able to pick the World Cup results like a dirty nose. Paul died in October. RIP.

Best E-mail of the Year: Goes to Paul the Octopus and David Bain. Say no more.

End of Year Brickbat # 1: Air New Zealand for bowing to political correctness and axing the in-flight safety video featuring the “camp as a row of tents” flight attendant wanting a peck on the cheek from Richard Kahui.

End of year Brickbat # 2: Goes to the NZRU for bending over like Beckham and literally taking one for England over the Sonny Bill Williams boxing fiasco. It’s bad enough that he’s taking to the ring pre-Super 15 but talk of SBW fighting again later in the year, pre-RWC is surely lunacy. It’s the tail wagging the dog. If SBW wants to be a circus sideshow, let him. Ma’a Nonu and Conrad Smith will do me with Robbie Fruean and Kahui as backups.

Catch you on Christmas Eve with my Sporting Santa Wish List for 2011

2010-11-25T10:21:00.000-08:00

John Key did not make his weekly appearance on the Farming Show yesterday. He had much more pressing business on the West Coast, where we’ve witnessed the worst New Zealand tragedy since the 1979 Mount Erebus disaster.

The Prime Minister was right to say we should never measure human tragedy by the number of lives lost. If we did, Pike River would pale in comparison to Erebus where the loss of life at 257, was nearly ten-fold that of the 29 miners lost.

The media, rightly or wrongly, have taken some stick for their coverage. As someone who works in the industry, I know the fine line journalists tread between providing information and overstepping the mark in the pursuit of the story or a sensationalist angle.

But like them or loathe them, the modern electronic media played a huge role at Pike River.

Contrast that to telegram-dependent October 1917 at Passchendaele, where 850 New Zealand lives were traded for a senseless 500 yard gain in the bloodiest day in New Zealand war history. Or the sketchy radio coverage of the Tangiwai rail disaster of 1953 that cost 151 lives. Or the coverage, when television was in its infancy, of the 1968 Wahine disaster, where the toll was 51.

Even Erebus, 31 years ago, had limited media coverage by comparison.

Pike River was a tragedy that unfolded and played out for six days in our living rooms, on our radios and in our newspapers. Although most of us were geographically far removed, emotionally we felt close to the Coasters, that most hardy breed of Kiwis. We watched and waited, only imagining what it must have been like for families.

What made Pike River so tragic was the waiting, the not knowing, the hanging on to hope by a thread. We can now but hope the end for the miners came mercifully quickly on day one and that the families can recover their loved ones, equally quickly, to begin the grieving process.

I can’t imagine, for a moment, the grief of fathers who had sons trapped down the mine. Like Lawrie Drew, what father wouldn’t want to don the breathing apparatus and go into the mine, even though the odds were seemingly impossible? And I especially anguish for young Joseph Dunbar, just 17 years and one day of age, who was cruelly cut off just one day into his adult working career.

No doubt some hard questions will be asked and some unpalatable answers might be forthcoming, but now is not the time for the blame game. I wouldn’t swap places with Pike River chief executive Peter Whittall or police superintendent Gary Knowles for all the coal in Newcastle. The latter, especially, was on a hiding to nothing.

To quote a work colleague, Wednesday was a bugger of a day.

2010-11-18T18:20:00.000-08:00

By my reckoning Richie McCaw will play his 100th test match for the All Blacks against Japan in Hamilton in the second pool game of the Rugby World Cup.

That’s assuming he’s injury-free and takes the field against Ireland and Wales, plays in all four of next year’s Tri Nations games against Australia and South Africa and starts in the World Cup opener against Tonga.

The moot point will be whether he shares the honour with Mils Muliaina who also plays a record 93rd test, against Ireland on Sunday morning.

Without wanting to think ill of the former Southlander, I hope the three wise men give Muliaina a spell at some stage in the next seven internationals and bestow upon McCaw, alone, the honour of being the first All Black to play 100 tests.

Muliaina has been a very good All Black over the past eight seasons but the tag of true greatness eludes him. George Nepia, Bob Scott, Don Clarke and Christian Cullen were great fullbacks. Muliaina is very good.

No one, however, can deny the greatness of McCaw and - strike me down for this blasphemous utterance - if he leads the All Blacks to World Cup glory in his own back yard, he will eclipse Sir Colin Meads as our greatest All Black. Not to mention get a knighthood to boot.

McCaw will never replace Meads as the most iconic and popular All Black but even the mighty Pinetree had test matches where he didn’t dominate. The same cannot be said for McCaw, who has maintained a remarkable level of performance that has made him the most dominant player on the park in his 92 tests thus far. Only Dan Carter, at his imperious best, and Don Clarke could lay claim to being as influential.

With that in mind I decided to name my first fifteen of All Blacks greats. Some may not have been the greatest player in their position but the influence they had on the outcome of test matches in their era necessitated inclusion.

I hope this stimulates some debate around your pub, club, workplace or dining table:

1/ Colin Meads.

2/ Richie McCaw.

3/ Dan Carter.

4/ Michael Jones

5/ Don Clarke

6/ Sean Fitzpatrick

7/ Brian Lochore

8/ Wilson Whineray

9/ George Nepia

10/ Jeff Wilson

11/ Ian Kirkparick

12/ Bryan Williams

13/ Ken Gray

14/ Grant Fox

15/ Tana Umaga

2010-11-16T14:33:00.000-08:00

Hands up if you’ve heard of Robin Gibb?

No, he’s not a rugby player. He’s a Bee Gee.

Robin could never be mistaken for a rugby player. He must have ingested some fairly serious stuff in the sixties because these days he’s a shell of a man who’d struggle to tip the scales at 50kg wringing wet in his neat double-breasted pin-striped suit.

I went to Wellington on Wednesday to see Robin Gibb and the Pointer Sisters in concert, which brings me to the point of this column!

While the nearly-61 year old Robin battled manfully with some of the early Bee Gees’ classics such as Massachusetts, New York Mining Disaster 1941 and Words, he looked and sounded like an old man with a bad hairpiece on some of the hits from the disco era and beyond.

I couldn’t help but see a bit of myself in Robin as he butchered You Should Be Dancing and You Win Again. Admittedly I’m giving Robin a ten year start, have a full head of my own hair and left 50 kg behind 40 years ago. But as I watched a man I once greatly admired, I couldn’t help but feel Robin had hung on for too long. Father Time had caught up on him.

Life’s all about timing.

I feel a bit like that about my rugby commentary career. Lee Piper and I started out as young bucks taking on the world and the establishment in 1995. We were blatantly different, over-the-top and not everyone liked it. Only Paul Henderson and Mark Seymour from the Southland side of the day could really be bothered with us.

Eventually we outlasted the players and our critics, became accepted and carved ourselves a niche. We’re now very much part of the establishment. Like an old pair of slippers we slip into the commentary box but gone are the days of the child-like screams of “missy, missy, chocolate fishy” when a Flash Harry Carlos Spencer is having a kick at goal.

We celebrated calling 200 first class games in the Otago Ranfurly Shield Challenge and at the Stags’ end-of-season prizegiving were presented with a wonderful caricature cartoon from Southland Times cartoonist Shaun Yeo. It’s going straight to the pool room.

My last game in the commentary box was the epic final Ranfurly Shield defense against Canterbury. Maybe not a bad way to sign off? Timing is everything.

2010-11-04T20:55:00.000-07:00

Rugby is a game built around clichés.

It was a game of two halves, the boys dug deep, it was a real battle up front, we’re not looking any further ahead than Saturday, we’re moving forward together and, one of my particular favourites, no quarter was asked and none was given.

The latter aptly and cruelly describes the fortunes of the forlorn Stephen Donald. He was given a quarter in the cauldron of Hong Kong and when the questions were asked he had no answers. He’s now being described in the same breath as that most unfortunate of All Blacks, Colin Farrell.

An unfortunate All Black is of course an oxymoron. There’s no such thing. Every kiwi kid who grew up dreaming of wearing the silver fern will vouch for that. However there are some who probably wished they’d never been selected. Farrell, a fine fullback for Auckland in the 1970s, heads that list. Donald, also an excellent performer at provincial level, now joins him.

With that in mind, I thought I’d have a crack at a Fortunate Fifteen from the past 35 years (and I chose that arbitrary chronological peg in the sand for no other reason than being able to include Farrell in my side). To qualify, All Blacks need to have played a test match.

Colin Farrell (vice captain), Sosene Anesi, Shayne Philpott, Marty Berry, Isaia Toeava, Stephen Donald, Kevin Senio, Xavier Rush, Sione Lauaki, Mark Carter, Reuben Thorne (captain), Dion Waller, Saimone Taumoepeau, John Afoa and Perry Harris.

Some might consider 50-test veteran Reuben Thorne a shade unlucky to be included in Fortunate Fifteen, especially at lock where he generally performed with merit, but he made the cut wholly and solely on the back of his truly un-inspirational captaincy which peaked at the 2003 Rugby World Cup where he showed the leadership of a lemming.

There are three current All Blacks in the side. Donald’s Hong Kong ding-dong has seen him displace Simon Mannix, Wayne Smith’s “special project” Toeava is an automatic selection and Afoa makes it as a hooker who’s extremely fortunate to be an All Black prop.

And before all the do-gooders jump down my throat, they would need to remove my tongue from my cheek. Becoming an All Black in this country is still one of the greatest honours that can be bestowed upon a bloke. And given the chance, I would swap my lot at the drop of a hat to walk a mile in their boots, even Farrell’s wayward pair!

2010-10-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

The Stags are out to pasture for summer. Here’s my end-of-year report card (plus I’ve gone back 12 months to compare the corresponding ratings following the euphoria of the Ranfurly Shield victory).

Glen Horton – this year 7.5 (last year 8): Like many of the Stags he finished on a slightly flat note compared to 2009. Gutsy and a great counter-attacker.

Mark Wells – 8 (not rated 2009): The surprise package of 2010. They call him “crazy legs” for his ungainly running style but he ran, caught and kicked with aplomb.

James Paterson – 6 (not rated): Henderson and Culhane rated him but we couldn’t because this obvious athlete was hamstrung by injury.

Tony Koonwaiyou – 6.5 (7.5): Show glimpses of good form but if the Stags are serious about winning the ITM Cup they need to find some fast wings – fast!

Kendrick Lynn - 9 (8): The outstanding attacking back of 2010. When the Highlanders pulled rank and insisted on his groin operation, the Stags were sunk.

Matt Saunders – 9 (8): Was a revelation in the number 12 jersey. Only Lynn was better.

James Wilson – 7.5 (6.5): This bloke is gifted. Showed genuine tenacity to fight his way back into the Stags and deserves a Super contract.

Robbie Robinson – 7.5 (9): The Boy Wonder is still a wonderful player but suffered from being the player other teams targeted.

Scott Cowan – 7 (8): Another who did not perform quite as well as 2009 but unless big bro Jimmy is available he’s still head and shoulders the best we’ve got.

Elliot Dixon: 8 (not rated): This kid’s got the goods!

Kane Thompson: 7 (not rated): Took his opportunity well with the injury to Dixon but the old bull will probably make way for the young buck.

Tim Boys – 8 (9.5): I’m still chairman of the Tim Boys fan club but I think, as does Jamie Joseph, this wonderful flanker has been overtaken by John Hardie.

John Hardie - 9 (9): In the best traditions of Bill McCaw, Ack Soper, Ken Stewart, Leicester Rutledge and Paul Henderson before him, another champion rolls off the Southland loose forward production line.

Josh Bekhuis – 9 (9): It’s when, not if, Graham Henry comes calling.

Joe Tuineau - 8 (8.5): Good but maybe not as good as 2009? Needs to step up and cement his extraordinary athletic ability at Super 15 level

Alex Ryan – 7 (not rated): With the likes of Dixon, Hardie, Brayden Mitchell and Nic Barrett also coming through , Southland has the makings of fine forward pack for several seasons to come.

Chris King – 8.5 (9): Head down. Bum up. It was business as usual. You beauty!

Jason Rutledge – 9.5 (10): Deserved a 10 for effort. The affable plumber became a cult hero at the ripe old age of 32. Should be in Hong Kong blocking a lineout – not in Invercargill unblocking a toilet.

Jamie Mackintosh – 9.5 (8.5): Boys was my player of the year in 2008. Last year it was Rutledge. This year I flipped a coin and Captain Fantastic gets the heads-up.

2010-10-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

Depending on the results of the Bay of Plenty and Taranaki games, the Stags will know their fate in the race for an ITM Cup top-four spot by the time they take to the park tomorrow night.

A Bay of Plenty win last night (my deadline is 5pm Thursday) could already mean curtains but if the rugby gods and bonus points have been kind, then a four-try victory (whilst denying Wellington a bonus point) could do the trick.

Semi-finalists for the past two seasons, in all probability the Stags will be denied top-four entry through the back door but that should not detract from what has been an historic season.

Never in this union’s proud history has the Ranfurly Shield been defended successfully on six occasions in one season. By my reckoning, 1946 (5 occasions), 1939 (4), 1938 (3) and 1930 (3) were the previous best efforts.

Attention will then turn to the Southland Rugby Supporters’ Club function saluting the class of 2010 on Monday, November 1. The occasion will also double as farewell for long-serving chief executive Roger Clark who, along with the Southland Mafioso of Simon Culhane, Leicester Rutledge, Jamie Mackintosh and Jimmy Cowan, will set about righting the badly-listing Highlanders.

The player of the year award will hold the most interest. Kenny Lynn (until injured), Matt Saunders, John Hardie and Josh Bekhuis could all justifiably put their hands up for the award but it’ll undoubtedly be a two- horse race between Jason Rutledge and Mackintosh.

If you’d asked me a month ago, I’d have said Cabbage in a canter but coming down the home straight, Whoppa has made every post a winner. At the risk of throwing in yet another horse racing cliché, this one will be a photo finish!

* While I’m on the cliché and bad pun bandwagon, I’ve a bone to pick with a purveyor of fine meats, namely Gerry McSoriley.

The diminutive butcher, who could never be accused of mincing his words, tried to convince me Eric Anderson toured South Africa with the 1970 All Blacks. A debate/argument ensued. I had no beef with Gerry personally but I was prepared to steak my reputation on my answer. It was thus decided to settle the dispute like men, with a quiz-off at dawn (well closer to midnight if truth be known).

So next time you’re in Southlamb Gourmet Meats make sure you ask the singing butcher to name the only three members of the 1970 All Blacks to South Africa who did not get a test.

I did. And he couldn’t get all three. God bless Bruce Hunter!

2010-10-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

As reigns go it wasn’t quite up there with Queen Victoria’s 63 years, seven months and two days but it was a glorious 352 day reign none-the-less.

It’s gone but not forgotten. For those of us who waited a lifetime to see the Log of Wood, it was worth the 50 year wait. The Stags were beaten but unbowed, defeated yet defiant in defeat and made me proud to call myself a Southlander.

October 22, 2009 at Lancaster Park will live long in my memory. The other moment that stands out was the defeat of Auckland in the week of the southern snow storms. Southland was on its knees, awaiting a knock-out punch, but 22 brave young men got off the canvas and in 80 minutes did more to lift the sagging spirits of a province than they will ever know.

* Bob Howitt’s excellent new book on Sir Wilson Whineray, A Perfect Gentleman, is a must-add to any serious sporting library. Of particular interest to Southlanders is the segment on Whineray’s time in Southland, where as a 16 year old fresh out of Auckland Grammar, he played a season for Waikaia in 1952. Such was his ability, he was promoted straight into the Northern Southland senior sub-union side.

It was only after Northern’s opening game that the selectors realized his age. A special meeting was convened and it was resolved, in Whineray’s interests, that he should limit his appearances to senior club rugby.

Unfortunately for Southland, he left for the Wairarapa at the end of that year. And unfortunately for Southland, he returned in 1959 to captain the Auckland side that lifted the Ranfurly Shield.

* As Dunedin struggles to pay for its new stadium, let alone fill it with people to watch an under-performing rugby team, my faith in small-town New Zealand was reinforced when the Riversdale community raised $42,000 for Youth Olympic triathlon champion, Aaron Barclay.

Former Commonwealth Games champion Dick Tayler regaled the tale of his epic 10,000 metres victory in 1974, with some great one-liners thrown in for good measure.

However, the best line from last weekend came from Invercargill socialite Deidre Heenan at the post-election victory rally for fellow socialite John Norman Philip Young, who was successful in his quest to make the Invercargill Licensing Trust an even better organization.

A group of us, including Tayler, were pondering marathon running. I appreciate Tayler has changed somewhat in appearance over the past 36 years – gone are the flowing locks and he’s a bit broader of girth – but Deidre brought the house down when, in innocent bliss, she asked the athletics legend whether he’d “done a bit of running?”

2010-10-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

Whichever way you look at it, tomorrow’s seventh Ranfurly Shield defense promises to be a Herculean task.

Let’s be honest here. Man for man, the Canterbury fifteen are better than their Southland counterparts. They boast a more than useful forward pack, boosted by the return of Sam Whitelock, two former All Blacks in Isaac Ross and Wyatt Crockett, plus Corey Flynn (even though he’ll only be the second best hooker on a park).

But it’s the backs where Canterbury could really cause carnage. An All Blacks halfback and first five-eighth combination, the combined 217 kgs of the bruise brothers in the midfield and, for good measure, the fastest bloke in New Zealand rugby at fullback.

Yep, man for man, we’ll struggle. So where can Southland win when are odds seem so stacked in Canterbury’s favour?

The answer lies partly with talisman players Jason Rutledge, Jamie Mackintosh, Jimmy Cowan and Robbie Robinson. The answer lies partly with workhorses Chris King and Josh Bekhuis. The answer lies partly with the likes of John Hardie, Tim Boys and Matt Saunders sacrificing their bodies for the greater good, with the latter most probably having to donate his to medical science after 80 minutes of Sonny Bill bashing.

But most of all the answer lies in the numbers game. This epic encounter is not about fifteen men versus fifteen. It’s about fifteen Cantabrians versus 15,000 Southlanders and that’s why Southland will win.

* Tonight in my old home town of Riversdale, former Commonwealth Games star Dick Tayler will be the guest speaker at a gala fundraising evening for World Youth Olympic gold medal-winning triathlete Aaron Barclay.

Like a lot of small country towns, Riversdale can claim its fair share of sporting glitterati. The late great Kel Tremain, is probably the most famous footy player, even though he spent only one year, 1957, in the district and didn’t make the All Blacks until 1959. Steve Hardiman was a New Zealand Colt and a member of the 1966 Southland side that tipped up the Lions.

Shona Elder (nee Sanson) represented Southland in five sports (hockey, golf, tennis, squash and badminton) while Lew Hollands could claim four (rugby, cricket, tennis and badminton).

To the best of my knowledge though, Northern Southland’s finest village has never produced a world champion. That is up until now. Which makes young Barclay, deservedly, Riversdale’s most famous sporting son.

2010-09-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

I know we’ve been down this track before, only for it to end in tears, but one year out from the Rugby World Cup, you’d have to be happy with how Graham Henry’s All Blacks are travelling.

We have a settled top fifteen, the undoubted two best players in the world in Richie McCaw and Dan Carter and some wonderful talent waiting in the wings, such as Sonny Bill Williams and Robbie Fruean.

What Sydney’s close-call did expose, however, was the All Blacks’ Achilles heel. Without one of our marquee players we become beatable, losing both of them doesn’t bear thinking about. Carter was sorely missed. If McCaw wasn’t playing we would have lost. Injury to either in 2011 must be Henry’s worst nightmare.

* Wednesday’s news that McCaw, Kieran Read, Brad Thorn and Owen Franks will not be available for the Canterbury Shield challenge on October 9 is great news for Southland rugby. Defending the Log of Wood against a Canterbury pack containing half of the All Blacks starting eight, would have been a huge mountain to climb. The ‘challenge’ now for a very good Stags pack is to starve the likes of Colin Slade, SBW and Fruean of any meaningful possession.

Likewise the news is equally good for Thursday night’s Auckland challenge. No Keven Mealamu, Jerome Kaino or Joe Rokocoko, albeit the Stags lose the irreplaceable and irrepressible Kenny Lynn to groin surgery.

* While I’m rapt to see the national treasure McCaw wrapped in cotton wool, I do question the amount of time-off some of our All Blacks are being asked to take. Take Jimmy Cowan. He hardly raised a sweat in Sydney and will not be back in action until October 16. Effectively he won’t have had any rugby for eight weeks. My observation of Cowan over the years is he’s the type who wants and needs regular game time.

* One man’s misfortune is often another’s good fortune. Aaron Cruden’s unfortunate Sydney stage fright has done Boy Wonder Robbie Robinson’s chances of a call-up for the All Blacks end of year tour no harm at all.

Quite rightfully, exciting new Highlander’s signing Slade will assume the mantle of Carter’s back up. Where Robinson could possibly come into the picture is as a utility who could cover first five-eighth and full back, especially considering a recuperating Carter could well go on tour without being fully recovered from his ankle surgery.

Unlike the admirably brave Cruden, Robinson has a kicking game. On Sydney’s display Cruden would struggle to kick a hen off its nest whereas Robinson’s kicking, especially for goal, is coming along a treat. And that is where he could steal a march on his equally talented mate.

2010-09-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

The wait is nearly over. Tonight we get to see Sonny Bill Williams unleash his highly-publicized self when he comes off the Canterbury bench against Bay of Plenty.

No one will be more interested in his performance than Graham Henry who, despite denials otherwise, must be under real pressure to select Williams for the end-of-season All Blacks tour.

The $64,000 question (petty change for $BW) is whether Money Bill can crack a spot in the All Blacks starting lineup. On present form he’d ride the pine, at best.

The emergence of Ma’a Nonu and Conrad Smith as a world class combination continues a fine tradition of great All Blacks teams being built around great midfield backs.

History would suggest such midfield pairings come along once in a decade. In my lifetime we’ve seen Ian MacRae and Bill Davis (1960s), Bill Osborne and Bruce Robertson (1970s), Warwick Taylor and Joe Stanley (1980s) and Walter Little and Frank Bunce (1990s).

Although Tana Umaga could lay claim to being our finest midfield back of the past decade, his combination with Aaron Mauger was not in the same league as the Nonu-Smith partnership.

Neither Nonu (2003) nor Smith (2004) could break into the starting lineup when they debuted for All Blacks. Nonu was a destructive game-breaker from day one but initially lacked the rugby guile, nous and polished passing so necessary for the midfield. You could not make that criticism of him now.

Smith, for his part, probably lacks the brilliant athleticism and pace of a Bruce Robertson but I doubt a smarter centre has ever graced the silver fern. It’s a truism that rugby is a game of brawn. Smith is proof that brains do not go astray either.

* Was yesterday, September 2, the greatest single day in New Zealand’s rich sporting history? That day certainly provided our greatest ever hour, 50 years ago, when Peter Snell (800 metres) and Murray Halberg (5000 metres) both won Olympic gold on the track at Rome in 1960 within 60 minutes of one another. Throw in the 1972 Olympic gold at Munich for the rowing eight (Tony Hurt, Wybo Veldman, Dick Joyce, John Hunter, Lindsay Wilson, Athol Earl, Trevor Coker, Gary Robertson and coxswain Simon Dickie) won on the same day and it’s hard to go past the second day of September.

* Keep a gap in your sporting diary for a celebrity fundraiser coming up in Riversdale on Friday, October 8, featuring one of this country’s best sporting raconteurs, Dick Tayler. The man who set the 1974 Commonwealth Games alight with his opening day heroics in the 10,000 metres, will be in Southland’s finest village for a fundraiser for World Youth Olympics triathlon champion Aaron Barclay.

2010-08-26T13:48:00.000-07:00

Even though I reside in Dunedin, my heart belongs to Southland.

As I write this I’m contemplating whether to go and watch Otago battle Taranaki, or spend a quiet night-in watching Coronation Street.

I realize that’s a sad indictment on my life, but think about it, there could easily be more action on Coro than Carisbrook. Ken Barlow, despite his advancing years, has displayed more penetration in recent times than the Otago midfield and Dev Alahan’s untimely naked unveiling probably drew a bigger crowd than recent attendances at the ‘Brook.

All jesting aside, Otago rugby now finds itself in the unenviable position Southland was in ten years ago and the road to Damascus for Phil Mooney and David Latta is not without its potholes.

There’s a lack of locally-nurtured talent, most of the imports are not performing and the team has forgotten how to win a game, especially the close ones. Remind you of the Stags of the late 1990s?

In the past Southland supporters would probably have taken some smug satisfaction from Big Brother Otago’s misfortunes. But the little brother has had a growth spurt and can now beat up the older sibling in the back yard brawl. They are now equals, brothers in arms, in a common fight.

That fight is to save the ailing Highlanders. Jamie Joseph and Simon Culhane are a good start. So I think I’ll forgo Coro Street for Burns Street and do my bit. I hope I have some company!

* Continuing the fight theme, while Grant Beardsley v Aaron Smith at the Fight for Kidz promises to be the best scrap, there’s no doubting the most entertaining will be the feature bout between Jeremy Winders and Brendan Laney.

Winders and Laney are genial, jovial and thoroughly likeable blokes. Former Otago legend and Scottish rugby international Laney has a boxing background. As a teenager he fought out of the Temuka club. In the case of Winders, he’s as tough as old boots, having played much of his rugby career as a lightweight flanker for the Stags.

There’s a certain irony in the fact that Winders has reportedly shed 14 kilograms of beer belly to get in shape for the bout, as he would have killed for some of that weight when he was competing with the Henderson twins for a spot in the Stags.

Winders, though slightly nutty, is one of my favourite Southlanders. Few are more proud, even fewer have worn the ‘S’ on the left breast with more pride. Good luck Jerry. You never threw the towel in on the rugby paddock and I don’t expect your corner will have to tomorrow night.

2010-08-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

While some of the rules of rugby, especially around the breakdown, are about as mystifying as the Emissions Trading Scheme, compared to golf, rugby’s a relatively simple game.

To that end you had to have sympathy for the big-hitting Dustin Johnson when a two-stroke penalty for grounding his club in the most marginal of sand bunkers potentially cost him the US PGA title at the heinously-bunkered Whistling Straights. Unfortunately with golf, rules are rules!

It reminded me of lesson hard-learned when I first joined the Gore club, about the same time as former Southland lock forward Alan “Tiny” Byrne. Not only did the Big Guy take great pleasure in jumping all over me, at every opportunity, in our rugby-playing days, he had equal delight in pulling a fellow novice up on one of the quirky nuances of golf.

I had chipped on to the green from close proximity and had managed, more by good fortune than good technique, to roll the ball to within centimeters of the hole. Not wanting to hold up my playing partners, I proudly strode to my ball and tapped it into the hole to claim my par. Unfortunately I had not removed the flagstick because some of my other playing partners were still off the green.

“Two shot penalty”, Tiny triumphantly trumpeted to all within bellowing distance and he insisted the penalty stand, despite my remonstrations of “surely you’re not going to pull me up on that?”

There are, however, golfing Gods and on this day they looked down and decided revenge is best served cold. Some holes later, Tiny was starting to run out of steam and much like he did when he was locking the scrum for Southland, he opted for a short cut. So rather than haul his golf trundler all the way to the tee, he had left it some distance up the fairway from where he had played on to the green on the previous hole.

The big left-hander with the shortest backswing in the history of the game then teed off with much gusto and he absolutely spanked it. Had a eucalypt not interrupted its flight path, I’m sure his ball had the potential to advance some 300 metres up the fairway.

But as all weekend hackers know, golf is a cruel mistress and on this occasion Tiny struck the tree right in the guts. His bludgeoned ball ricocheted straight back 50 metres from whence it came and cannoned into in his golf bag and trundler.

I laughed aloud without knowing the full consequence of his misfortune. “Two shot penalty”, proclaimed another of our playing partners, hysterically.

“Surely you’re not going to pull me up on that?” came the pleading reply. Suffice to say, it fell on deaf ears.

* Finally, hearty congratulations to Riversdale’s now most famous sporting son, World junior triathlon champion Aaron Barclay. And heart-felt sympathies to the Campbell family for the loss of one of Southland’s most talented sporting sons. Rest in peace Jamie.

2010-08-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

It was a surprise to me last weekend, amidst all the excitement of the historic Otago Ranfurly Shield challenge, to find the Scream Team was about to pass a significant milestone.

I love him like a brother but Lee Piper is prone to hyperbole. So when he declared we were about to commentate our 200th first class rugby game, I took it with a grain of salt and thought he was up to his old tricks of an eye for the main chance, leveraging a bit of shameless self promotion off a huge event.

Then the accountant in me clicked into gear. We’ve been calling Southland’s games since 1995. For the first few years we travelled with the side on the away games. Throw in several years of commentating Highlanders games, two to three years of calling the test matches in the South Island for the now defunct Independent Radio Rugby Network, a stellar but brief career with Sky’s interactive rugby channel and even a junket to Asia to commentate on the Hong Kong Tens and the games do mount up.

Southland Times sports editor, Nathan Burdon, has asked us to come up with our three most memorable matches. I don’t know about Piper’s but here goes for mine:

No 3: As rugby spectacles go, it was no great shakes, but Otago’s challenge has to be right up there as a rugby occasion. The seething throngs of people walking together to the game, the train, the buses, the brass band playing – it transported me back to my boyhood and going to Rugby Park with my father. It was history before our very eyes and Southland’s first successful defense of the Log of Wood since 1946.

No 2: Not surprisingly this one also involves the Ranfurly Shield and the finest 40 minutes ever played by a Southland team in my lifetime. In 1997 Southland trailed Graham Henry’s star-studded Auckland side 27-8 at halftime at Eden Park, only to fall short 34-32 in the dying moments when Adrian Cashmore collared a flying Phil Taylor with an open try line beckoning.

No. 1: I know it’s cheating because we weren’t actually calling the game. But we were there and I will take the memories of October 22, 2009, to my Riversdale grave. Southland 9, Canterbury 3 – the score is tattooed in my brain. Defending the Shield is one thing. Winning it is even sweeter!

2010-08-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

In an effort to put tomorrow’s historic Otago Ranfurly Shield challenge into perspective, I’ve delved into my sporting library and come up with the following top four rugby occasions at Rugby Park since we last won the Shield in 1959:

1966 v British Lions (won 14-8). 1978 v Australia (won 10-7). 1979 v France (won 12-11). 1989 v France (won 12-7).

Perhaps though, the most comparable occasion was the Otago challenge of August 2, 1947 when 21,000 rocked up to Rugby Park to witness a Ron Elvidge-inspired Otago take the Log of Wood 17-11.

That great Otago side included the likes of All Blacks Elvidge, Kevin Skinner, Laurie Haig, Jim Kearney, Lester Harvey and Charlie Willocks. Under coach Vic Cavanagh (junior) Otago then defended the Shield on 19 occasions before losing it to Canterbury in 1950.

I’m not suggesting for a moment the Otago side of 2010 is in the same league as their illustrious predecessors but they do possess two All Black-class players in Adam Thomson and Ben Smith, a very able openside flanker in former Stag Alando Soakai and a prop in Kees Meeuws who’s been to the mountain top before.

The Blue and Golds are desperate for some ITM Cup points and tomorrow surely represents a real opportunity to get their hands on some woodwork they haven’t seen since 1957.

And beware any side Laurie Mains is involved with!

* How about this for a bit of wishful train-spotting from one of my colleagues, Newstalk ZB’s Dunedin-based Dominic George?

He’s looked at the last six NPC clashes between the southern rivals dating back to 2004. Otago has scored 128 points, Southland 121. The average winning margin has been 7.5 points with Otago’s 27-10 victory in 2004 the biggest margin. It’s been tit-for-tat with both sides winning on alternate years and the visiting side has won on each of the last six occasions.

He’s therefore concluded Otago will win by 12 and under tomorrow. Tellingly, though, he’s not prepared to wager a beer on it!

* I’ve also been doing a bit of reading ahead of tonight’s centenary dinner of the Toko Golf Club in Milton where I hope to regale some tales of golfing glory. My speech won’t be entitled “Great golf shots I have played”, that would be far too short an after dinner dissertation, rather I’ll concentrate on my trip to the 2009 Masters at Augusta and the day I met John Daly.

Let me leave you with some great golfing quotes I dug up for the occasion:

Missing a short putt does not mean you have to hit your next drive out of bounds - Henry Cotton

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off - Bruce Lansky

The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things - John Updike.

All oh so true!

2010-07-29T14:03:00.000-07:00

Long-suffering readers of this column will know I love history. Less generous souls would say I’m stuck in the past.

Therefore it will come as no surprise I’m like a pig in muck when it comes to burying my snout into Ron Palenski’s latest literary offering On This Day In New Zealand.

Palenski is best known as one this country’s pre-eminent sports writers but he’s also a leading historian, as his master’s degree in history would suggest.

His book is chock full of sporting and historical gems. For instance, on the this day (July 30) in 1976 did you know the New Zealand men’s hockey beat Australia 1-0 to win the gold medal at the Olympic Games in Montreal?

As you do, I flicked straight to my birthday to see what world-shattering event took place on such a momentous day. And I wasn’t disappointed!

It transpires that on my ninth birthday (1968), the legendary Southland pacer Cardigan Bay, the first standardbred to earn $1 million in stake money, was one of the guests on the top-rating American television programme ‘The Ed Sullivan Show’. Other guests included the Muppets, comedian Richard Pryor and the Beach Boys singing ‘Good Vibrations’!

In my state of heightened historical arousal I wandered around the office checking out what other wonderful events happened on the birthdays of my work colleagues and unearthed some beauties.

For example, my youthful producer on the Farming Show celebrates a birthday on August 18. Astonishingly, on that day in 1910, a certain Richard Arnst of Christchurch retained his world single sculls professional title at the most unlikely of venues, on the Zambesi river. Before he could defeat Ernest Barry of England, his brother Jack and others preceded the two scullers down the course, shooting crocodiles out of the way! The race had been promoted by a South African mining millionaire to encourage tourism to what was then Rhodesia.

Then, as fate would have it, my Roving South Island Farming Ambassador Dick Tayler roamed into the radio station. Like an eager puppy, I showed him my new book and asked him if he could remember what, if any, major event happened on his birthday. The man who set the 1974 Commonwealth Games alight with his 10,000 metres victory was immediately able to highlight what happened on his birthday (August 12) the following year (1975) – John Walker breaking 3 minutes 50 seconds for the mile in Gothenburg, Sweden.

Then we got yarning about Walker, Dick Quax and Rod Dixon, their varying egos and personality traits, and some of the things the four of them got up to in the 1970s whilst travelling the world with their running shoes.

But that’s another story for another day On This Day In New Zealand.

2010-07-22T15:24:00.001-07:00

I like the look of the Southland side for tonight’s second Ranfurly Shield defense against Wanganui.

And not in the way WHHHanganui mayor MicHHHael Laws would have us look at our beloved Stags. The gobby mayor, who’s admitted to wearing eye-liner, reckons our boys are poofs. While you’ve got to admire his ability to court controversy and pursue publicity, he’s drawing a long bow to suggest the likes of Jason Rutledge, Jamie Mackintosh and Chris King are “too poofy”.

Admittedly James Wilson could do with a haircut and without the hair straighteners, but I like the look of the problem-child of Southland rugby at second five-eighths. He reminded us of his prodigious talent in the North Otago challenge and he certainly has the size, power and pace to play in the midfield.

There will, no doubt, be a question mark over his defensive capabilities and to that end it will be interesting to see how he handles usual No. 8 Lasa Ulukuta thundering towards him tonight in the midfield.

Outside the mercurial Robbie Robinson, Wilson offers a real tactical kicking alternative as there are few better punters of the ball in the country. Throw in the express pace of Kenny Lynn at centre and this is the bones of a backline that will run Wanganui ragged.

Back to the loquacious Laws. Like him or loathe him, and the country seems to have a dollar each way on the subject, he reinforces the value of the celebrity mayor. Yes he’s outlandish, outspoken and sometimes downright embarrassing, but you’re never going to die wondering with Mayor Michael. I don’t think he’s ever had a dull grey thought in his life. He’s as black and white as they come and my distant observation would be he’s done a pretty good job of putting a small provincial city (if indeed Wanganui is one?) on the national map.

Invercargill has enjoyed the services of a celebrity mayor for the best part of the past two decades, with the exception of 1995-98 when Tim Shadbolt had three years off for bad behaviour. Like Laws, he’s a champion of self and city promotion, and his fiefdom has been the beneficiary.

On October 9, Mayor Tim is involved in a celebrity mayoral arm wrestle with former body-builder and singer Suzanne Prentice. About the time the results are announced, the Southland Stags will hopefully be kicking off their seventh defense of the Ranfurly Shield against the might of Canterbury having already got past North Otago, Wanganui, Otago, Counties Manakau, North Harbour and Auckland.

It promises to be a great night in Vegas. A win over Canterbury, a few consoling beers with Richie, Dan and Sonny Bill, a post-election party at either Tim or Suzanne’s place and a final defense of the Log of Wood against Wellington to look forward to.

2010-07-15T16:43:00.000-07:00

Saturday’s historic four-try drubbing of the world champion Springboks rates as one of the best All Blacks performances of recent times. But how does it figure in historic perspective? I delved into my Men in Black to rate the All Blacks’ ten most memorable post-war tests:

1/ September 1, 1956. All Blacks 11, South Africa 5. No game in our proud rugby history has stopped a nation like the fourth test of this bitter series. It was a seminal moment. The great foe was finally defeated.

2/ July 18, 1959. All Blacks 18, British Lions 17. Memorable for Don Clarke’s six penalty goals out-pointing the four tries of the fleet-footed Lions. Almost unbelievably, the All Blacks were booed at Carisbrook.

3/ July 10, 1971. All Blacks 22, British Lions 12. The All Blacks totally dominated world rugby in the 1960s but that domination came to a grinding halt in the 1970 series loss to the Springboks in South Africa. The following year the Lions came to our shores and changed the way we played rugby. The second test at Lancaster Park was the All Blacks only victory in the series and stands out for the greatest individual try ever scored by an All Black – Ian Kirkpatrick’s herculean solo stunner from halfway.

4/ June 14, 1975. All Blacks 24, Scotland 0. Memorable because of the abominable weather. The so-called water polo test saw the great Bryan Williams score two great tries while Joe Karam proved to be the ‘bane’ of the Scots by converting all four tries.

5/ November 11, 1978. All Blacks 13, Wales 12. Mr. Controversial, Andy Haden, took a lineout dive at Cardiff Arms Park. Brian McKechnie did the rest in an unforgettable test.

6/ September 12, 1981. All Blacks 25, South Africa 22. The flour bomb test at Eden Park was the most dramatic in our history. Unlike the 1956 series win where the nation was united, to a man, against the mighty foe, 1981 divided a nation and the scars were not healed until 1987.

7/ June 20, 1987. All Blacks 29, France 9. Our one and only World Cup title. Say no more.

8/ July 6, 1996. All Blacks 43, Australia 6. In my five decades of fervently following rugby, this pearler at Athletic Park, stands alone as the most complete All Blacks performance from the most complete All Blacks fifteen ever assembled on a rugby paddock at one time.

9/ July 2, 2005. All Blacks 48, British Lions 18. Despite the pre-tour hype, Clive Woodward’s Lions of 2005 weren’t much chop but this game stands out for Dan Carter’s as-near-to-perfect-as-you-can-get 33 point performance.

10/ July 10, 2010. All Blacks 32, South Africa 12. History will judge whether this test is the one which changed the fortunes of Graham Henry’s reign heading into the Rugby World Cup. On October 23, 2011 at Eden Park, I guess we’ll know for sure.

2010-07-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

Last week we celebrated the 35th anniversary of the classic 1970s horror flick Jaws.

By today’s standards it’s pretty tame, even though I defy any first-time viewer not to sit bolt upright in their seat when the giant shark smashes on to the boat.

Jaws was a low-budget box office smash in the US summer of 1975. Hollywood loves nothing more than squeezing the life out of a successful formula so it was no surprise to Jaws reprised in the form of Jaws 2 in 1978.

The promotional blurb encouraging you to watch Jaws 2 was “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water”. And just like that other great 70s advertising catch-cry “Claytons – the drink you have when you’re not having a drink”, it soon became the vernacular of the day. In fact, I still use the Jaws reference today when it comes to happenings that ascend suddenly from the murky depths to bite you in the bum.

And “just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water”, aptly describes my feeling for the All Blacks coaching panel, their Tri-Nations squad and the red-hot rumour Steve Hansen will coach the Highlanders in 2011.

Just when you thought it was safe to start liking the three wise men again after the very promising Dunedin test, they bring back the dreaded rotation and inconsistency of selection policy.

There’s no rhyme or reason for Zac Guildford and Adam Thomson to be dropped for Rene Ranger and Liam Messam, respectively, and you’d have to question what Hosea Gear has to do to displace slow Joe Rokocoko? Ditto for Luke McAlister. Surely he’s done enough to earn a recall to be the goal-kicking back up to Dan Carter and the second five-eighth back-up to Ma’a Nonu?

As promising as young Aaron Cruden is, his arrival on the park means you’ve got to immediately also sub your top halfback, Jimmy Cowan, to get Piri Weepu on to kick the goals. Don’t get me started on Kieran Read being the back-up No. 7 to Richie McCaw or Cruden the third halfback option or John Afoa the third hooker!

My initial reaction to the Hansen rumour was if he’s the answer to the Highlanders woes then what the hell’s the question? Remembering that his overture to coach the Crusaders was snubbed by the NZRU, it seems bizarre there would be a change of heart in World Cup year, the one season you’d think he’d have plenty on his plate.

Then I thought about the upside for the Highlanders. An incumbent All Black selector with international coaching experience will do no harm for player recruitment and retention in World Cup year. If you’re an aspiring All Black why wouldn’t you have a crack with the Highlanders?

Suddenly I had a horror-movie thought. The lineout! Tom Donnelly and Josh Bekhuis are doing quite nicely thanks, without any meddling from the man who muddled the All Blacks lineout last year.

Then the penny dropped! Ah! Steve could coach the team but be the Claytons lineout coach – the one you have when you’re not really having one!

2010-06-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

Am I slightly cynical or did the “Project Manager” Roger Clark play a blinder with the late-Friday afternoon announcement of the demise of Highlanders coach Glenn Moore?

It was rugby’s worst kept secret but the timing on the eve of the final Carisbrook test meant that any backlash, sympathy or disappointment at Moore’s non-reappointment was buried by the occasion.

Throw in all the hoopla around the Soccer (I can’t bring myself to call it football) World Cup and Moore’s axing was confined to the small print of the papers and the end of sports bulletins in the electronic media.

I have a degree of sympathy for Moore. He had, without doubt, the least talent to call on of any of the New Zealand franchises and during his unsuccessful three year tenure I would hate to think of the number of games lost within the seven-point margin.

Jamie Joseph looks odds-on to be his replacement for one of the tougher jobs in New Zealand sport, with Simon Culhane his assistant. Geographically that’s a good Otago/Southland split and it leaves David Henderson free to plot Southland’s defense of the Ranfurly Shield.

Besides if the Henderson/Culhane combo was chosen alongside Project Manager Clark, then the Highlanders may as well pack up, relocate to Rugby Park Stadium and call themselves the South-Landers. Leicester Rutledge could manage the side, Jimmy Cowan and Jamie Mackintosh already call the shots on the paddock, so only the appointment of Craig Morton to carry the drinks (and he’s had plenty of practice) would be needed to complete the Southland mafia.

And then what would become of the new permanently-enclosed Dunedin Stadium? At $180 million-plus it’s a hell of an expensive hot-house for growing tomatoes post the Rugby World Cup.

* Like many fair weather fans I’m loving the Soccer World Cup, if not the nocturnal viewing times. The beautiful game is aptly named because of the athleticism, balance, grace, poise and pace of its proponents. Portugal’s Christiano Ronaldo in full flight is a thing of beauty and off the pitch the females in our office tell me he makes Dan Carter look like an ugly duckling!

Like many workplaces we have an office sweepstake on the World Cup. Currently of the 14 entrants, I’m second-to-last, having used the FIFA rankings as the basis for my predictions. Our receptionist, who made her random selections on the good looks of the South Americans and the nice sounding names of various countries is leading the pack.

And therein lies the beauty of the beautiful game! Easy to watch, easy to understand and easy on the eye.

P.S. Here’s my favourite English soccer joke:

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage, dear?" to which the old lady replied, "No way! You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out."

2010-06-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night we farewell Carisbrook, one of the grand old venues of New Zealand test rugby.

Test match rugby was first played in Dunedin in 1905 against Australia but that battle was waged at Tahuna Park. Carisbrook had to wait until the 1908 clash against the Anglo-Welsh.

In the intervening 102 years there have many great test matches. The Springboks mauling the New Zealand front row in 1956, Don Clarke kicking six penalty goals to sink the 1959 Lions, Barry John extracting revenge for the Lions in 1971 by kicking (literally) Fergie McCormick out of test rugby and Bevan Wilson’s brilliant debut against the 1977 Lions are just four that readily spring to mind.

However if I had to pick a favourite it would be June 15, 1996, when the All Blacks walloped Scotland 62-31.

With the exception of Scott McLeod, who was filling in for Walter Little, this was arguably the greatest All Blacks team of all time:

Christian Cullen, Jeff Wilson, Frank Bunce, McLeod, Jonah Lomu, Andrew Mehrtens, Justin Marshall, Zinzan Brooke, Josh Kronfeld, Michael Jones, Robin Brooke, Ian Jones, Olo Brown, Sean Fitzpatrick and Craig Dowd (three weeks later, with Little back on board, this team produced the finest All Blacks performance I have ever seen in the 43-6 drubbing of Australia at Athletic Park).

The undoubted highlight of the Scotland game was the four brilliant tries scored by Cullen in only his second All Black test (he got three in his debut against Western Samoa a week earlier).

The other reason I fondly remember the match is because it was my (and Lee Piper’s) debut as a test match radio commentator. Our careers were brief.

My only playing experience at Carisbrook was for a slightly worse-for-wear Gore St Mary’s team in the 1983 South Island Marist tournament. We played for the wooden spoon against a West Coast team and our only claim to fame was hauling in former New Zealand fast bowler Brendan Bracewell, who was a barman at the pub where the team was staying, into our playing ranks.

My only contribution to the game was a long-range dropped goal attempt that ricocheted off the woodwork.

Years later Piper and I were discussing our Carisbrook experiences (he tragically lost all his Otago representative rugby photos in a house fire) and he was bemoaning his first experience on the ‘Brook as a 13 year old ball boy for the South Island Marist tournament.

He said how he was gutted to miss out on being selected for ball boy duties for the Christchurch Marist v Dunedin grand final, instead being landed with some losers from Gore in the play-off for last place. The only thing he could remember about the game was the Brendan Bracewell cameo appearance and a dropped goal that hit the upright from a long way out.

It’s a small world eh?

2010-06-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does tomorrow’s first All Blacks line up of the year have a less-than-invincible look about it?

Admittedly Graham Henry can, unlike this time 12 months ago, call on the services of his two marquee players, but after Richie McCaw and Dan Carter the cupboard has a slight Mother Hubbard look to it.

Keven Mealamu, Brad Thorn, Jerome Kaino, Kieran Reid, Jimmy Cowan, Conrad Smith and Cory Jane are now proven performers. I really like the cut of youngsters Owen Franks and Israel Dagg. But the jury is surely still out on Ben Franks, Anthony Boric, Benson Stanley and Joe Rokocoko.

Piri Weepu and Neemia Tialata (who I’ve never rated) aside, there’s blessed little experience on the bench. While I don’t expect the injury-plagued Irish to taste victory for the first time in over a century, this is an All Blacks side that would not beat the Boks and could well struggle against Robbie Deans’ up and coming Aussies.

* Otago rugby has gone back to the future by naming Des Smith manager. Smith managed Otago during a golden period and his appointment is yet another example of what a cunning choice Aussie Phil Mooney might end up being.

Initially Mooney was greeted with howls of derision but the former Queensland coach has not put a foot wrong thus far. He was smart enough to realize he needed the iconic David Latta on deck and with a board headed by Wayne Graham and Laurie Mains, he has some real rugby grunt behind him.

I’d suggest Southland’s defense of the Ranfurly Shield has just got a little more difficult. Not only do we have to face the might of Auckland, Canterbury and Wellington later in the season, we’ve also got to get past Counties Manukau with the possible prospect of Sonny Bill Williams and Tana Umaga in the midfield.

Throw in a rejuvenated Otago and August 7 at Rugby Park promises to be day not to be missed!

* I’ve just returned from a week’s golfing holiday in the Fijian sun. The weather was stunning, the beer expensive and my holiday reading could not be more contrasting.

If you haven’t already, you must read Andre Agassi’s best-selling Open. Agassi’s life story is a cracking read, from his tough upbringing in Las Vegas, to his love affairs with Brooke Shields and Steffi Graf, to his absolute disdain for the likes of Jimmy Connors and Boris Becker. He’s a gifted, complex, caring, yet surprisingly needy and insecure character.

By comparison Chris Laidlaw’s take on modern rugby, Somebody Stole My Game, was so dry it threatened to combust upon opening. I’m surprised they let me on the plane with it.

Laidlaw is a very interesting and intelligent man. His early 1970s critique of rugby Mud In Your Eye is an absolute essential in any sporting library. I’m afraid his latest offering will go straight to the pool room.

2010-05-27T13:28:00.000-07:00

I love State of Origin rugby league and my love affair has stood the test of time. The relationship has now lasted 30 years since its inception in 1980.

Me and a mate from Riversdale had our first OE way back then, when we followed the All Blacks on their Australian tour. With the three-test series tied at one-all heading into the Sydney Cricket Ground decider, you’d have thought the papers would have been all over the rugby.

But no, league hogged the headlines, with the first ever Origin game, sandwiched between the second and third tests, dominating the headlines.

Hardly surprising when such household names as Arthur Beetson, Wally Lewis and Mal Meninga (Queensland) were up against the likes of Tom Raudonikis, Steve Rogers and Mick Cronin (NSW).

For the record the Cane Toads won 20-10 in front of 31,000 frothing fans at Lang Park, Brisbane, with Meninga celebrating his 20th birthday in style by kicking seven goals.

* Murray Deaker raised a very valid issue on his television show this week when he opined that Graham Henry was fawning over Sonny Bill Williams by driving his dodgy manager around half the country to peddle his client’s wares, in what appears to be a dance of the desperates.

The knowledgeable (that’s a euphemism for know-all) Deaker was right-on the money by suggesting some of our great coaches of yesteryear would sooner select Colin Farrell than resort to such reverence (my words, not his).

What happened to the good old days when it was the player’s job to impress (aka suck up to) the coach?

Surely the NZRU is taking a huge gamble if they’re hoping SBW will be a fix-all for a lack of genuine talent in the midfield. Wasn’t Luke McAlister supposed to do just that upon his return from the UK?

Graham, here’s an idea for you rather than running cap-in-hand to the over-hyped, over-paid SBW. Why not look a little closer to home and pick someone who has played a bit of footy with the obvious centre selection, Conrad Smith? Someone with experience, a solid defender, a great distributor and, most importantly, someone who is the equal of Smith in the IQ department.

Now that Richard Kahui is out of the No. 12 equation, the answer, Graham, is staring you in your grizzled-schoolteacher face. Hurricanes back-up midfielder Jason Kawau is your man!

Besides it’s about time Balfour got another All Black!

2010-05-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

If there is a rugby God, then surely the time has come for him to smile upon Jason Rutledge.

I barely know Cabbage to say hello to, but he’s one of the few modern-day rugby players I genuinely admire. I’ve followed his progress over the years from lightweight flanker, to lightweight hooker, to back-up Southland hooker, to sharing-the-honours-with-David Hall hooker, to being-ranked-behind-Hall-and-Holloway hooker, to finally-nailing-the-Stags’-top-job hooker, to Ranfurly Shield-winning hooker, to genuine Super 14-quality hooker, to genuine All Blacks-contender hooker.

There’s no doubting Andrew Hore and Keven Mealamu are the tope rakes in the country, even though Rutledge comprehensively outplayed Hore in last year’s NPC clash. However, with the latter out for all but the end-of-season tour, the All Blacks need a like-minded grafter not a fly-by-night, throw-the-ball-in-the-dark lineout exponent like Aled de Malmanche.

In an age where All Black jerseys are given away more lightly due to rotation, reconditioning and recuperation, it’d be nice to think they’d find one for a man who’s built his reputation on loyalty, longevity and love of the game.

* Artist Andy Warhol famously said in 1968 “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes”. Although I’ve had to wait half a lifetime, I’m pleased to report my fleeting 15 minutes of fame lasted for a whopping 103 minutes.

For a brief period on Wednesday morning I was an All Black. A press release from Beef and Lamb New Zealand at 7-59am about its Steak of Origin contest stated “Kathy Child and Yvonne Hill’s steak was crowned winner after a fiercely-contested tasting by BMX World Champion Sarah Walker, ex-All Black Jamie Mackay of Radio Sport and Newstalk ZB, together with top chefs Hester Guy and Graham Hawkes”.

Unfortunately for me that press release was recalled at 9-38am and my All Black status was under a cloud until another press release was issued at 9-42am describing the inadvertently previously-excluded Richard Loe as the ex-All Black on the judging panel.

I now know how an old Otago university acquaintance David Halligan must feel as an Almost All Black. He was chosen to play against Scotland at Carisbrook in 1981, only to pull a hamstring in training, allowing Allan Hewson the chance to cement the fullback position.

Jason Rutledge is almost an All Black. I would hate to see him finish his career labelled an Almost All Black. He deserves better and has earned the right to join his old man Leicester in one of rugby’s most exclusive clubs.

2010-05-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

Rugby apologies are very much in vogue these days so I, too, want to jump on the bandwagon by apologizing to a Southland rugby legend.

I apologize unreservedly to Kevin (KF) Laidlaw for inadvertently neglecting to mention him when we were paying tribute to the great 1959 Ranfurly Shield-winning side at last Friday’s ILT Southland Sports Awards. And I unreservedly apologize to anyone else I missed.

It’s a poor excuse, but I got a bum steer when I was told there were only two members of the magnificent men, Spud Tait and Ack Soper, present. As KF, in his inimitable Nightcaps manner, put it later, I should have “done my bloody homework”. And he’s right!

I had actually prepared a tribute to the 1959 team to go alongside Tom Conroy’s excellent Ranfurly Shield tribute, but time constraints meant I had to dump it. It’s a shame really because there’s not much about September 5, 1959, I don’t know.

Having been raised on stories of the historic 23-6 win over Taranaki, I’d long ago committed the fantastic fifteen to memory. For the Sports Awards I decided to go one better and memorize the two initials of each respective player, because 50 years ago players were referred to in print by their two initials rather than their Christian name. Thus we had KF Laidlaw, AJ Tait and AJ Soper.

The only tricky bit in memorizing the initials of the 1959 side came when players’ first initials were not their chosen names. For example we had DL Ashby who was of course Lloyd, WR Archer (Robin), EA Gorton (Alan), IM Miller (Murray) and LK Fyall (Keith).

All fifteen players who started the game in New Plymouth had two initials, with the notable exception of the late Ray Todd. He was just R Todd. I searched high and low through all my reference books and even ‘Googled’ him in the hope of finding his elusive second initial. All to no avail.

Then, at the Sports Awards, in one of those sports trivia gems, AJ (Spud) Tait put the record straight. Ray (one initial) Todd used to be listed in the rugby programmes as RW Todd. RW standing for right wing, the position he played!

These days we’d no more know an All Black’s second initial than his thoughts on nuclear disarmament, with the notable exception, perhaps, of seven-time serial offender Ma’a FFFFFFF Nonu.

2010-05-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

Ma’a Nonu’s indiscriminate, injudicious and incredibly stupid use of the F word on no fewer than seven occasions following the Hurricanes win over the Chiefs, got me thinking about the appropriateness of the second-most most offensive word in the Queens language.

It’s amazing to think it was little more than 50 years ago that Peter Jones shocked the nation with his “absolutely buggered” comment on national radio following the epic fourth test against the 1956 Springboks.

Now I don’t wish to be either pious or preacher, because I can drop the F bomb with the best of them, as some of my former farm dogs and current duck-shooting mates could attest. But there’s a time and a place. And the public will generally forgive a one-off slip up along the lines of the Ricki Herbert gaff, sometimes even finding it amusing.

It reminds me of when my radio career was in its infancy and the Farming Show was running a promotion to give away a farm bike.

The rules were simple. Buy a farm bike and if we phoned you live at lunchtime and you immediately answered “Ewan Allan Honda – No 1 for sales and service” you went into the draw to win a farm bike.

Naturally it created a situation where a lot of farmers were answering their phones at lunchtime with “Ewan Allan Honda – No 1 for sales and service”. But some didn’t, including one rugged southern man who answered with a rhetorical “Are ya there?”

So I immediately swung into action with my best radio jock’s voice “Hi I’m Jamie Mackay from the Farming Show, do you know why we we’re calling you”?

The penny dropped. The farmer realized he’d lost his opportunity to win a $5000 farm bike and in the spur of the moment, in his anguish, he let rip with the F Bomb. We got the giggles, not unlike Wellington rugby commentator Graeme Moody last weekend, and then proceeded to try to dig the embarrassed farmer out of a very big hole.

I tell you this story because we never received a single complaint about the farmer’s foul up. The punters understood it was a one-off, delivered in the heat of the moment and that the perpetrator was duly contrite.

We’ve long known Ma’a Nonu is not likely to split the atom at any given moment. His job is to split opposition defenses. But Saturday’s seven-pronged profanity confirmed that while he’s world class on the paddock, he has somewhat less class of it.

*In doing some MC research for tonight’s ILT Southland Sports Awards, which surely promises to be a benefit evening for the Stags, I found two pieces of interesting Southland rugby trivia.

Amazingly Bert Winders was pulled from the crowd to play against the 1956 Springboks and, perhaps more remarkably, the lineout count against the 1966 Lions was 54-41 in Southland’s favour. And some of us call the modern game boring!

2010-04-29T15:31:00.000-07:00

Tonight will be a real test of where the sporting passion of Southlanders lies. It’s the Highlanders versus the call of duck shooting.

On one hand you’ve got a brutal blood sport, where the prey is lined up and everyone takes a pot shot before the defenseless target is summarily executed. On the other hand you’ve got duck shooting.

Corny analogies aside, the Highlanders must collectively feel like the proverbial sitting duck in front of the maimai. Outwardly wanting to still appear calm and in control, inwardly paddling furiously under the water and knowing you’re about to be shot by an unforgiving public.

The irony of the hapless Highlanders’ season, and this won’t be lost on the hapless Glenn Moore, is the Highlanders have not played too badly this year if you excuse the inexcusable final ten minutes in Queenstown against the Force.

Despite the brave efforts of Josh Bekhuis and Hayden Triggs, no team can afford to lose a player of Tom Donnelly’s international standing. Likewise, the lack of Jamie Mackintosh’s calm head and on-field leadership has surely been another factor.

With away games to come against the Brumbies and the high-flying Reds, home advantage against the Waratahs tonight presents the best chance to salvage some pride from a season that promised much but delivered somewhat less.

With five Stags in the starting line-up and another five riding the pine, hopefully the prospect of welcoming some Ranfurly Shield heroes home to Rugby Park will be enough of a lure to delay the migration to the maimai.

* On a lighter note , one of the highlights for me every opening morning is to see what my duck shooting colleague, high-profile Invercargill lawyer John Norman Phillip Young, wears to the Riversdale maimai.

As I reiterate on an annual basis, he is a garish hybrid of Liberace and Rambo, with a hint of George Michael thrown in for good measure. I know he really gets off on wearing a wig in his day job as a Crown Prosecutor and duck shooting provides him with the perfect opportunity to indulge his fetish for getting dressed up.

This year our duck shooting crew includes a doctor, two farmers, a stock agent, yours truly and a new recruit from Perth with the unenviable nickname of Hideous! Plus, of course, our resident QC. And he is.

And I can’t wait!

2010-04-22T15:25:00.000-07:00

I don’t know about you but I’m growing weary of apologies.

It would appear to me we’re forever, in this country, apologizing for sins of past generations. Whether it’s for some past injustice to some wronged-race of indigenous people who now demand greater rights than others, or for removing an endangered snail or mollusk from its natural habitat to improve the lot of human beings, or whether it’s for selecting racially-based sports teams at the behest of our apartheid hosts.

Sure we were wrong to be bullied by South Africa prior to 1970 and if the New Zealand Maori side was ordered to “throw” a game against the 1956 Springboks then that, too, is shameful.

My point is that the apologies should not be made by the current administration, for they have done no wrong. The apologies and sins belong to a past generation.

Goodness knows the present New Zealand Rugby Union has enough apologies it can make for sins of its own making.

For starters how about apologizing for the latest round of shuffling the coach’s deck chairs on the Titanic? Am I the only one who finds this bizarre? Not content with merely rotating players, Henry, Hansen and Smith have decided to rotate themselves. What next? Will they recondition themselves? I’ll resist the urge to suggest some members of the panel might even benefit from said activity.

People in high echelons of rugby speak highly of Steve Hansen as a coach and a person. I don’t know the bloke from a bar of soap, and it’s always dangerous to pass uninformed judgment but my observation is surely he’s had his opportunity with the All Blacks forwards and was found wanting?

Graham Henry took over the dysfunctional All Blacks lineout for the end-of-season tour, admittedly against lesser opposition than Victor Matfield’s all-conquering Springbok machine, and simplified an overtly-complex cock-up. All of a sudden Andrew Hore became a good lineout thrower.

Hansen, himself a more-than-useful centre in his day, appeared to make progress by uncluttering the All Blacks backline attacking ploys. And Smithy appeared happiness-filled by plotting the defensive patterns, like a game of Battleship, on his lap top.

Surely the latest reverse rotation has resulted in a poor apology for a coaching panel?

Footnote: On Sunday we remember the sinful futility of a past era. While Anzac Day for some means a public holiday with no holiday, for most of us it’s an opportunity to reflect on those brave souls who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country under conditions we could never contemplate. If you can’t make Dawn Parade at a cenotaph near you, join me on Hokonui Gold 94.8FM for the Diggers’ Breakfast, Sunday from 7am.

Lest we forget.

2010-04-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

I’ve got a sore bum!

I’ve got a 50 year old sore knee as well but it’s not as painful as my backside was on the weekend. Admittedly I spent close to 20 hours sitting on it last Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday whilst indulging my ultimate sporting lust, the Masters, but it wasn’t the golf that perpetrated the pain!

It was the 40 minutes I spent sitting watching the second half of the Highlanders’ clash against Journeyman John Mitchell’s Western Force at Queenstown. Like a child with worms, I spent the best part of the second stanza squirming uncomfortably in my chair, wondering how I could scratch the itch that was irritating me!

At halftime, although not in an entirely convincing manner, the Highlanders were in the game. Against the run of play they lead 22-20 at the 11th hour with 11 minutes to go. But it was the three-try capitulation that disillusioned me and probably cost the Highlanders another 3000 thousand fans, fans they can’t afford to lose, for the Hurricanes’ game in Dunedin on April 24.

I can’t help but wonder how poor old Glen Moore felt sitting in his seat? Lonely for starters and I bet he was squirming more than me.

Why is it that talented and heroic performers in the maroon of the Stags’ jersey, such as Tim Boys and Robbie Robinson, appear mediocre when they pull on the blue of the Highlanders’ kit? And Jimmy Cowan, on his day the second-best halfback in the world behind Fourie du Preez, did not look a world-beater at Queenstown.

To me, he looked like a man with the blues. And that’s who he could end up playing for next year if his obvious frustration continues. Adam Thomson’s look of total despair following yet another defensive leak in the dyke has me convinced he’s off to play with Richie McCaw and Kieran Reid at the Crusaders in World Cup year. Who could blame him?

I know it’s easy to sofa-sit, criticize and be a fair-weather fan. Like many southerners I never expected a top-four finish. Top six would have been a bonus. Truth be known, I could probably have lived with top ten if we’d competed with valour.

Speculation in the Southland Times yesterday suggested David Henderson and Simon Culhane are being lined up as Moore’s successors, possibly as early as next season. They could do well to learn a lesson from another high profile Southlander, Bill English, who partook of the poisoned chalice when taking over the National party leadership from Jenny Shipley.

Timing is everything in sport and time is something the Highlanders and their fans are running out of quickly.

I’ve supported a sometimes-struggling Southland side for four decades and finally hit pay dirt last year. I hope the Highlanders don’t keep me waiting until I’m 90. I don’t think I’ve got that much time.

2010-04-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

I am a rugby history tragic.

Why else have I become the dumping ground for anyone in Southland wanting to get rid of old rugby books? Not that I’m complaining. My latest gem comes from the Corkery family in Invercargill and it’s titled “It’s Me, Tiger” – The Peter Jones Story.

In an age where one rugby test morphs into another and we seem to have an obsession with the Rugby World Cup every four years, to relive the greatest test series of all was a joy.

For the uninitiated, “Tiger” Jones was the powerhouse No.8 who scored the series-winning try at Eden Park against the 1956 Springboks. It was a rugby series like no other, before or since. A nation held its collective breath for two months while battle was waged against the great foe. Until then we’d never beaten South Africa in a test series, having suffered losses in 1921, 1928, 1937 and 1949.

Exhausted after this Herculean fourth test effort, Jones shocked a conservative and somewhat austere post-war 1950s nation when he addressed the 60,000-strong crowd and declared on national radio, “Well ladies and gentlemen, I hope never have to play as tough a game as today’s. I’m absolutely buggered”.

I think what I found interesting about Jones’ book was his life outside of rugby. He was a rugged Northland fisherman and unlike some of today’s troubled stars, he had a life outside rugby!

I can’t help but draw the fishing analogy with modern-day All Black No.8 Sione Lauaki who gets baited in a pub, bites like a big fish and gets taken in, hook, line and sinker.

* Unlike some, I haven’t given up on the Highlanders. Not just yet. Perhaps I will if they don’t get up over the Super 14 chumps, the Lions, tonight but I saw enough at Carisbrook on Saturday night against the Sharks to give me a glimmer of hope.

The Highlanders’ forward pack has always been competitive and in Adam Thomson they have an athlete of rare ability. Throw the work-horse Tom Donnelly back in there and you’ve got an eight capable of footing it with most in the Super 14.

Since the retirement of Jeff Wilson, the backs have been the Achilles heel. Maybe that’s about to change? Jimmy Cowan, Ben Smith and Israel Dagg are international class. Kenny Lynn has really stepped up to the mark at centre and the well-bred Michael Hobbs (a Hobbs across a Deans) could well follow his father Jock into the All Blacks. Robbie Robinson, too, is an All Black in waiting.

The question is whether the luckless coach Glen Moore can survive the waiting game?

2010-04-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

We’re at the halfway mark in the Super 14 so it’s time to pick an All Blacks form fifteen.

The front row is a mystery to most of us but a blind man or even an All Black selector can see Andrew Hore is the form hooker, despite the sterling efforts of the ageless Jason Rutledge. Tony Woodcock gets the loosehead spot on past deeds while the combative Owen Franks deserves the tighthead spot seeing Judas Hayman has chosen coin over country.

Josh Bekhuis is a form lock and I’d throw in young Sam Whitelock from the Crusaders to partner him. Richie McCaw owns the number seven jersey, Kieran Reid ditto in eight so that leaves the blind-side flank position for Jerome Kaino and Adam Thomson to fight over. And the answer is simple – the brute force of Kaino against the Springboks and the French backed up by the athleticism of Thomson against the Aussies.

Jimmy Cowan and Dan Carter are no-brainers when it comes to selection. Some might accuse Ma’a Nonu of being a no-brainer but sandwiched in between Carter and the erudite Conrad Smith, he’s still a match-winner.

The gas and youthful exuberance of Zac Guilford makes him the first man picked on the wing and while I’d be tempted to partner him with the fastest man in New Zealand rugby, his Crusaders team mate Sean Maitland, the other spot goes to renegade Rene Ranger from the Blues. He might have some rough edges in need of polish but, like Nonu, he’ll win you more games than he loses.

The injured Mils Muliaina is out of the picture at fullback but on merit he wouldn’t have made the team. Cory Jane continues to impress but if you’re looking for the form fullback, it’s impossible to go past the Highlanders’ Israel Dagg.

So there you have it. The All Blacks form fifteen. Six Crusaders, three Hurricanes, three Blues, three Highlanders, plenty of Indians and no Chiefs apart from Richie the captain!

* There’s only 22 sleeps to go and duck shooting aside, I can’t think of anything I’m more excited about than the US Masters which got underway this morning. I will not stray far from a television over the next four days.

I know I sound like a broken record, and my wife accuses me of being the ultimate golf killjoy and bore, but having been privileged to grace Augusta last year gives your Masters viewing a new dimension.

All 18 holes are stunningly beautiful and a lot more undulating than television portrays. However, my favourite part of the course is Amen Corner comprising the second shot into the most difficult hole on the course - the par four 11th, the par three 12th and the tee -off on the par five 13th.

It’s an oxymoron but if there is a golfing heaven, bearing in mind most of us golfers only get to experience hell, then it’s surely the 12th at Augusta.

2010-03-18T12:44:00.001-07:00

The long-awaited Ranfurly Shield draw, released this week, has a province collectively filling in its sporting diary for August, September and October.

Although Roger Clark and his merry men at Rugby Park HQ would probably have preferred Counties Manukau as a first-up challenger, the prospect of Otago leaves the mouth watering like only a Bluff oyster can.

Pure head-not-heart rugby logic would suggest it’ll be a minor miracle if the Stags can defend the Log of Wood for the entire season. It doesn’t get any tougher than an Auckland, Canterbury, Wellington finish.

Otago on August 7, who could be accompanied by as many as 5000 fans, will not be a walk in the (rugby) park either but this promises to be, arguably, Southland’s greatest rugby occasion.

The message to Stags fans is simple. Buy your tickets now, stop the enemy at the border, and by stealth barricade and limit the Otago contingent to 500.

* The early rounds of the Super 14 seem to have generated more interest this season than in the past few. Mind you, they’d need to.

I’m sure I speak for many fans when I say I can never get too excited about rugby until the Easter bunny has been and gone. My sporting focus over the next couple of weeks will be the two cricket tests, the first of which starts today, against the Aussies. Then there’s the small matter of Tiger Woods’ comeback at the Masters from April 9-12.

The Masters is already the greatest golf tournament on the planet. Tiger’s reappearance after his self-imposed sin-binning will send it into orbit.

Tomorrow night the Highlanders take on the Sharks at Carisbrook. I’ll be there to watch my first live Super 14 rugby (including on television) of 2010. The Highlanders team has a useful look about it and I really like the backline with boy wonder Robbie Robinson getting his starting debut at 10 inside the confrontational (if not punctual) Michael Hobbs.

The forwards, however, could do with a greater Southland representation. With no Tom Donnelly, Joe Tuineau should be partnering Josh Bekhuis. I’d like to see the hard-working Chris King make up an all-Stags front row and what does Tim Boys have to do to get a starting role?

* I’ll leave the final word today to Tony Laker who e-mailed me the following considered comment:

I heard Martin Sneddon on the radio this week talking about how security at the Rugby World Cup games will be tight and people will need to get there well before kick-off. He said because of that, his committee will have to ensure they provide some really good pre-game entertainment. I’ve got two words for Martin – CURTAIN RAISER! Give me SBHS vs Waitaki Boys any day compared to cheerleaders, races, ‘do stupid things for cash’, a band (unless it’s AC/DC) or any other non-rugby related thing!

2010-03-11T14:24:00.000-08:00

Some random sport thoughts:

* The new permanent roof on the Dunedin Stadium will be 37 metres above the playing surface at its peak in the middle. I wonder if that’s high enough to stop a Dan Carter bomb from hitting it? I think of the likes of former Southland fullback Jeff Gardiner, who had a towering punt, and wonder whether 37 metres would be enough to keep him at bay?

Some bright boffin has concluded the maximum height of an up-and-under to be “around 29 metres”. On the touchlines of the new stadium the clearance is reportedly only 30 metres. So will we see teams using the deflected bomb off the roof as an attacking ploy down the flanks? Regardless, I’m sure the new stadium will provide countless hours of fun at practice as the best kickers in Otago, the Highlanders and the All Blacks take on the challenge to hit the roof! My money’s on the ultra-competitive Jimmy Cowan to be first to try!

* A debate has broken out on Radio Sport as to whether competitive show shearing is a sport? That doyen of New Zealand sports broadcasting Keith Quinn, who was a guest of honour at last weekend’s Golden Shears in Masterton, concluded that indeed it is. Brendan Telfer, sitting in his studio overlooking the Waitamata harbour, argued otherwise, saying it’s no more a sport than milking cows.

So some meaningless rich-boys’ Louis Vuitton yacht race is a sport, while hard-working shearers whose athletic endeavour is the equivalent of running two consecutive marathons, don’t cut the mustard? Show shearing requires pace, skill, great fitness and coordination and is a pure man versus man competition. It’s a no-brainer Brendan!

* Sport and sportsmen have changed. And not for the better! Compare Aussie cricketer Michael Clarke’s dubious dash home to his beautiful but brazen fiancée Lara Bingle with the actions of kiwi cricketer Bob Blair more than half a century ago in South Africa. Blair’s fiancée, Nerissa Love, was killed in the 1953 Tangiwai rail disaster on Christmas Eve. On Boxing Day, because his country needed him, Blair bravely went out to bat. For his part, Clarke ran out, without facing a ball.

* Continuing the bravery theme, news of the courage of Kiwi soldier James McKie in Afghanistan got me thinking about what I’d do, put in his position. Was it an act of heroics or was it an obvious act of self-preservation? I’m no hero, to the contrary, I rather cruelly garnered a reputation for a lack of bravery under the high ball when I played rugby. But I think if some mad Afghani threw a hand grenade at me, and it didn’t immediately blow-up, my instinctive reaction would be to throw it back before it exploded. What have you got to lose? You certainly wouldn’t want to die wondering.

2010-03-04T18:18:00.000-08:00

‘Twas a great weekend for sport!

The Highlanders won on the Highveld, showing true grit in the process. I got to see Sir Bob Charles play golf, proving once again what a national sporting treasure he is by shooting 69, substantially less than his age. Best of all, the Blacks Caps provided one of the best sporting spectacles of the past decade with their last-gasp, hold-your-breath heroics in Sunday’s Twenty20 clash with the Aussies.

This weekend the Highlanders will have their work cut out at sea level in Cape Town against the Stormers but must take heart from the fact they’ve played well enough in all three games, albeit it’s not reflected on the points table. And what about this Michael Hobbs kid? We all thought it’d be Robbie Robinson electrifying the Highlanders!

The Black Caps, too, will take confidence into their second ODI against the Aussies at Eden Park. After the miserable entree dished up by way of the ‘Bangers and Mash’ boys from the sub-continent, it’s great now to be finally feasting on the main course of kangaroo.

For me though, the sporting highlight this weekend will be the 50th anniversary Golden Shears at Masterton, culminating in the Open final tomorrow night.

Since its inception in 1961 many great champions have graced the shearing board including the legendary Brian “Snow” Quinn (six titles), Colin King and Roger Cox (three apiece), Bing McDonald, Norm Blackwell and more recently Johnny Kirkpatrick and Paul Avery (all of whom have won twice).

Southlander Edsel Forde won the Open in 1989 and in more recent times his younger brother Darin and fellow Southlanders Joe Clarke, Alton Devery and Nathan Stratford have tread the board as finalists.

However, one man stands a long blow ahead of the field. Superlatives cannot do justice to David Fagan’s incomparable record. He has won 16 of the 49 Open titles up for grabs and if he gets his much-sought 17th tomorrow night he will have won more than one-third of the titles on offer since 1961 (coincidentally the year he was born). Surely that’s a record unprecedented in sport!

Kirkpatrick starts a clear favourite. Avery will be there or thereabouts. Look out also for Dion King, Dean Ball, Digger Balme, the young gun Cam Ferguson and Stratford’s in with a shout.
Only one result, though, will lift the roof off the Memorial Hall in Masterton. And you can’t beat, or bet against, a fairytale Fagan finish.

2010-02-25T13:06:00.000-08:00

While it’s too early to write the obituary for the Highlanders, I can’t help but feel the narrow loss to the Blues at Carisbrook could prove fatal.

An away game against the Crusaders is a tough way to start any Super 14 campaign and three matches on the road in the heat and height of South Africa is one hell of a hurdle to leap.

The window of opportunity was the Blues game. In a brave effort to woo a diminishing fan base, the Highlanders played well enough to win, but didn’t. A case of déjà vu all over again!

And while the on-field performance still offers some hope, the head office once again leaves a sour taste. I was not alone last week in not having calls returned from the Highlanders media liaison officer, who is doing a wonderful job in media prevention for a struggling franchise I’d have thought needs all the profile it can get.

The players themselves are fine, providing you can get to them. But it does say something about rugby in this country when it’s easier to talk to the Prime Minister than a player.

* On a winning note, former Southland Times sports editor Lynn McConnell really has struck gold with his Jack Lovelock book Conquerors Of Time.

As chronicled last week, the story revolves around the 1932-36 period and looks at the lives of Lovelock and his rivals for gold in the 1500 metres at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. His two main rivals were the Italian Luigi Beccali (who won gold at the Los Angeles Olympics in 1932) and the superstar American Glenn Cunningham, whom many considered the favourite for Berlin.

The chapter on Cunningham makes compelling reading. Growing up on a remote farm in Kansas, Cunningham triumphed over terrible childhood burns in 1917 that left one leg shorter than the other and took several years of constant self-massage before he was able to maintain balance, let alone run properly.

He escaped another childhood brush with death by hanging on to a cow’s tail in a snow blizzard (a practice he’d developed during his recovery process to help regain his balance), the family cow getting him home safely to the barn when he would’ve otherwise perished.

Then in 1928, as his athletics career was starting to flourish, a high school baseball accident saw him ignore the ongoing pain of several loosened teeth. It was only when he undertook a medical for entry into the US Navy at the advent of the Second World War that the full extent of the injury was realized.

His teeth were badly abscessed, the dentist saying with all that poison flowing into his system, it was a wonder he could walk during his athletic career, let alone run through the constant pain he’d wrongly associated to his legs!

For the record, Cunningham finished second to Lovelock in Berlin with Beccali third. Sports historians will thoroughly enjoy Conquerors Of Time.

2010-02-18T12:19:00.000-08:00

Jimmy Cowan’s re-signing with the Stags is obviously great news for Southland rugby but it was tempered by the confirmation Jason Kawau may well have pulled on the maroon jersey for the last time.

Cowan is undoubtedly Southland’s marquee player and despite his modest protestations about not feeling like he’s an established All Black, 2009 saw him cement the hitherto hotly-contested number 9 jersey from Piri Weepu, Brendon Leonard and Andy Ellis.

I don’t know what you think but I reckon, in recent seasons, Cowan has played his best rugby for the All Blacks and not the Stags? That’s not to say he’s played badly for Southland. Far from it! He’s inspirational, his courage beyond reproach, his defense insurmountable, but I’ve sometimes felt he’s taken on too much himself whereas with the All Blacks he only has to worry about his job as he is surrounded by excellence.

I read with interest Logan Savory’s column yesterday about Kawau and have to take issue with his comment that he wouldn’t rate him as one of the better players he’d seen go through the Southland set up and that he lacked the flair some of his team-mates possessed.

Logan, Logan, Logan! Sure Kawau is not Jeff Wilson or Robbie Robinson but he has in bucket loads that most endearing quality of all good second five-eighths. A safe pair of hands – metaphorically as well as literally. And a better passing midfield back, save maybe Steve Pokere, I’ve yet to see in a Southland jersey.

Cowan is star of the Southland backline but Kawau, the shearer’s son from Balfour, has been the guts of it for the past five years. He will be sorely missed.

* I love getting sports books in the post. I’m like a kid unwrapping a Christmas present. Yesterday’s offering in the mail was Conqueror’s of Time by former Southland Times sports editor Lynn McConnell.

It’s the story of Jack Lovelock, describing the period between the 1932 Los Angeles Olympics and Berlin four years later where Lovelock was victorious after his previously disappointing seventh placing in LA.

McConnell’s latest literary effort brings, to three, my total of Lovelock books, alongside As If Running On Air by David Colquhoun and Lovelock by James McNeish.
It promises to be yet another fascinating insight into one of the more intriguing sports figures of the 20th century.

2010-02-11T11:41:00.000-08:00

‘ Tis the silly season!

While most of us are still thinking about Twenty20 cricket, the Highlanders kick off their Twenty10 campaign in that most English of New Zealand cities, Christchurch, tomorrow night. You can’t help but sympathize with Jimmy, Jamie and the other Bravehearts for having a Mel Gibson moment as they charge into battle.

The Crusaders might be warm favourites at the TAB, but I’m not prepared to write off the southerners just yet. It’s rugby blasphemy, I know, but there’s an almost human look about the Crusaders forward pack with Brad Thorn starting off the bench, Wyatt Crockett, Corey Flynn and Chris Jack all injured and Richie McCaw watching from the Deans Stand.

Admittedly Dan Carter’s presence will do little for the southerners’ confidence, but they can take some consolation Sean Maitland is not starting on the wing in tandem with Zac Guildford. I’m picking these two speed demons will demonize all comers in the Super 14.

As for the Highlanders, there’s a more mature look about the team this year with All Blacks Tom Donnelly, Adam Thomson and Jamie Mackintosh anchoring a pretty useful forward pack. The question will be whether the other ABs, Jimmy Cowan and Ben Smith, can do likewise for a vanguard that’s been average, at best, in recent seasons.

While it’s disappointing Robbie Robinson is not getting a start (his time will surely come if the Highlanders are serious about sparking their backline), of more concern is the omission of Tim Boys from the playing 22. If there’s a better open-side flanker in the Highlanders, I’ve yet to see him.

Win, lose or draw in Christchurch, the true litmus test for the Highlanders will come next Friday night when they host the Blues at Carisbrook before embarking on their arduous South African tour. The Blues are beatable and if the home side is to win over the home fans - who’ve deserted the ‘Brook in droves in recent years - nothing less than victory will suffice, satisfy and save their season.

Let’s hope some of that successful Southland psyche has rubbed off on the southerners.

2010-02-07T12:25:00.000-08:00

This belated column was originally going to be a colour piece on the New Zealand Masters Games in Dunedin.

Tragically though, a dodgy knee put paid to my half marathon and indoor rowing aspirations, leaving only the less onerous events of golf and wine options (tasting) on my sporting itinerary.

Again, tragically, a morning tee off for my age group coupled with a desire not to add the burgeoning 7.3% unemployment figure, instead necessitated my entry in the afternoon competition with the 60-70 year olds (as a non-competitor). All of which rendered me ineligible for a medal, had my golfing prowess not already done so.

All was not lost, though, because I still I had wine options at 6-30pm to garner my gold! I can tell a red from a white, a chardy from a sav, as good as the next bloke, so I was in with a show until age again conspired against me. But this time it was in the form of the golfing group in front of us who moved at a pace more akin to 80-90 year olds than sprightly seniors 20 years more junior.

A very late finish, after more than five hours battering from the wind, the sun and the bone-dry Chisholm Park golf course, meant wine options at the Alhambra-Union rugby club on the other side of town was now no longer an option. That meant beer options in the golf clubhouse. Then it was home to watch the Halberg Awards on telly.

Always a source of controversy, for the presentation if not always the result, the Halbergs again didn’t disappoint in that regard. There were some nice touches. The show finale, a rap song mimicked by some of our leading sports stars including Valerie Vili, Mahe Drysdale, David Tua and Laura Langman, was very clever. And having Sir Murray Halberg, resplendent in all his bling, topped it off brilliantly.

Not so flash were some of performers who paid musical tributes to their respective decades. Ray Columbus is living proof growing old is not for sissies. His “Till We Kissed” rendition needed the kiss of life. Dave McCartney, from that great 70s band Hello Sailor, wasn’t much better.

Master of Ceremony Stephen McIvor is an acquired taste. I know it’s a Sky TV gig but it’s a shame we can’t have a real professional such as Peter Williams fronting our most prestigious sporting celebration.

I think Andrew Mulligan (Crowd Goes Wild) is a genuine talent but even he let the side down with some inane questioning. “How are you?” is a dumb opening question and asking Susan Devoy if she could’ve beaten Jahinghar Khan got the bollocking reply it deserved from the Dame.On a positive note, I’m glad the Evers-Swindell twins won the sports champion of the decade award. As athletes, they could well be inferior to Vili, Drysdale, Rob Waddell or Sarah Ulmer but you can’t argue against two successive Olympic gold medals. And the Halberg judges wisely didn’t.

2010-01-21T12:40:00.001-08:00

It was with heavy hearts rugby fans around the world mourned the passing earlier in the week of the great Bill McLaren – the voice of rugby.

I’d like to share my McLaren memories.

Like a lot of kids growing up in rural Southland in the 1960s there wasn’t a hell of a lot to do on a Sunday other than go to church, work on the farm or begrudgingly partake in the dreaded Sunday drive to visit relations.

Thankfully though, there was occasionally Sunday afternoon respite in the form of a new invention called television. Admittedly the reception wasn’t flash and the pictures were in black and white but this magical new medium was able to beam pictures from the other side of the world into our living room in Riversdale.

And that’s when I fell in love with the voice of Bill McLaren. Grainy old images of England playing Scotland at Murrayfield and the delightfully charming Scottish brogue of McLaren’s commentary. It didn’t matter that matches were three weeks old, because in those days live broadcasts of international rugby were still five years away.

From my childhood until his final commentary in 2002 (Wales v Scotland where the crowd sang “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” and one Welsh supporter displayed a banner claiming “Bill McLaren is Welsh”) he was the one constant in a game that constantly changed.

Keith Quinn is the closest we’ve come to McLaren’s legend, but even Quinn pales in longevity and achievement to McLaren’s 50 year broadcasting career (he incidentally also covered Scotland and Wales in his 1953 national debut on BBC Radio). For Quinn, criticism was a constant companion, whereas I’ve never heard or read anything derogatory of McLaren.

In more recent years I had the great honour of getting to know McLaren a bit, albeit from a distance of 19,000 kilometres. He was a regular guest on the Hokonui Gold Sunday Sports Show and we repaid the favour by posting him the monthly edition of the New Zealand Rugby World magazine, which he readily devoured.

In 2003 when I was in Scotland on a farming tour, McLaren and his lovely wife Bette, whom I always respectfully called Mrs McLaren over the phone, generously invited me to their home in Hawick on the Scottish borders. That I never took up the opportunity is one of my great regrets.

2010-01-20T14:30:00.000-08:00

If someone tells you 50 is the new 40, take it from me, don’t believe them! Fifty is 50. Fifty is old!

Since I’ve entered into my second half-century here on planet Earth, it’s like someone has flicked a switch in my body, told it to fly the white flag, submit meekly to middle age and would the last one to leave please turn the lights out.

My knees are sadder than Tiger Woods and I’m left pondering what sporting options are left for me while I bide time until I’m called to that great rugby paddock in the sky.

Long-distance running, if I’m to believe my physio, is no longer an option. Shame that, because I’ve had some great adventures from running. Mind you he also told me that gardening was bad for my uncooperative cartilage, so his prognosis was not all bad.

I’m not a good enough golfer to devote all my energies to world’s most challenging yet frustrating sport. And, let’s be honest, the only joy of the gym is the satisfaction of knowing you’ve burnt off some the calories you consumed over the bar the previous evening.

Heck, I’ve even weakened and contemplated bowls, even though I constantly rib my old rugby mates, who’ve happily taken up the sport, that it’s a holding pen for the cemetery.

However, any thoughts of a sporting future in bowls have now been firmly cast aside. Just like Gary Lawson has been cast aside by Bowls New Zealand. How could I possibly contemplate participating in a sport which cruelly devours its own, eats its young!

Lawson has now won 10 national titles and stands alongside the legendary Nick Unkovich as our greatest bowler, probably our best when you consider Unkovich won eight of his ten titles in the fours.

Who cares if Lawson and mates manipulated one end in a game of bowls to give themselves a better chance of winning a tournament for their country. If we’re going summarily execute those who toss games, let’s also hang Graham Henry for his rotation and reconditioning policy, the Black Caps’ top-order batting lineup every time they pad up, the Warriors for daring to take the field in the NRL and, while we’re being unkind, most male equestrians for crimes against manhood.

Think hard Kerry Clark and Bowls New Zealand. Your sport is bereft of icons. Don’t cut off at the knees the only one you have. Bowls needs Gary Lawson more than Gary Lawson needs bowls!

2010-01-20T14:22:00.000-08:00

There’s a long-held festive tradition in my family. I buy my brother beer, he buys me old rugby books. He never tires of beer and I never tire of old rugby books.

However, whilst the same brand of beer suffices each year, a double-up of books does not. All of which makes his buying decision more difficult each festive season.

This year’s more-than-generous offering of books numbered eight. Five of them, Laurie Mains, Change of Hart, The Best of McLean, Winter of Discontent – the 1977 Lions in New Zealand (by T P McLean) and Lions 77 (by Keith Quinn) were already resident in my extensive library and will be passed on to other needy souls.

Of the others, Glory Days – The Canterbury Shield Team 1982-85 is a little gem. The Mark of the Bull (Bull Allen’s biography) is a new addition but one I could easily exist without. The absolute treasure in the trawl is Mexted – Pieces of Eight by Alex Veysey.

Unlike Bull Allen, who was a character but an All Black of modest proportions, Murray Mexted was a great All Black. And if you had any doubts about his rugby pedigree or place in All Black history, Mex’s book left you in no doubt of his greatness!

As a nation we’ve had a love-hate relationship with Murray since he burst on to the international stage with a sensational solo try against Scotland at Murrayfield in his test debut in 1979. The polarizing personality continues to this day, in his role as a television commentator.

Myself, I’ve always loved the flamboyance of Mex. He played the last of his 34 consecutive tests in the 21-21 draw with Argentina in 1985 and it was fitting that also bowing out on that day was Andy Haden, a man whose All Black career astonishingly dated back to 1972!

Haden and Mexted were pioneers. Rugby nomads in the days before professionalism, traveling the world plying their trade, with neither afraid to rock the boat and challenge the rather stodgy amateur administrators of the day.

Of particular interest to Southlanders are Mexted’s memories of three of our finest loose forwards - Ken Stewart, Leicester Rutledge and Ash McGregor. Stewart he held in the absolute highest regard, right alongside the great Graham Mourie. I could not find any mention of Rutledge, perhaps because they only played three tests together against Australia on the ill-fated 1980 tour.

In McGregor’s case, I don’t think Mex ever forgave Ash for taking his spot on the 1978 Grand Slam tour, describing him as “a diligent Southland type” who “through no fault of his own - was simply not a number eight for international rugby”.

The book finishes as it began – colourfully - with the back fly-cover featuring Mex jogging off into the distance in his powder-blue Stubbies, staring lovingly into the eyes of his running partner, Miss Universe 1983, Lorraine Downes.

You’ve gotta love the eighties and the number eight who dominated a good part of a fascinating decade!

2010-01-20T14:16:00.000-08:00

Even though Santa brought me Billy Birmingham’s brilliant The 12th Man – The Box Set and an old Thunderbirds DVD, I, like most blokes, detest Christmas shopping with a passion.

This year the Mackay clan celebrated Christmas in Tauranga and I can tell you the allure of the good old days of the Riversdale Discount Store have never been more appealing, following my experience of the inter-isle chaos that is Pak N Save on Christmas Eve.

The Warehouse was no better. Christmas is a supposedly a time of peace and good will to all men but I reckon it’s open warfare in the country’s biggest retail outlet. However in every war zone there is an oasis of peace and I found mine in the book section. And in the bargain bin, no less, I trawled up a little gem.

The book is entitled My Sports Hero and it’s all about famous New Zealanders talking about people who inspired them. It’s been compiled by arguably the best sports writer in the country, the New Zealand Herald’s Wynne Gray, and he’s cast his net wide with some very interesting reading the result.

For instance John Key’s sporting hero was Sid Going, because Key was a halfback at school when Super Sid was in his prime. Daniel Carter’s hero was 1987 World Cup hero John Kirwan. Marc Ellis loves Muhammad Ali and Murray Mexted!

Not surprisingly John Walker nominated Peter Snell, Temepara George admired Sanda Edge, Keith Quinn (Winston McCarthy), Richard Hadlee (Dick Motz), Ruben Wiki (Mal Meninga), Yvette Williams (Jesse Owens) and Colin Meads (Bob Scott).

There were some interesting choices. John Hart (Cardigan Bay), Sean Fitzpatrick (Edwin Moses), Jason Gunn (Lance Cairns), Rachel Hunter (Allison Roe), Sam Neill (Peter Snell), Christine Rankin (Jonah Lomu) and Stephen Tindall (Danyon Loader).

Each of the famous New Zealanders had their own story to tell. Sky TV’s Melodie Robinson spoke of her teenage crush on David Kirk, Jim Anderton of the terrors of facing Gary Bartlett in full flight and John Clarke (aka Fred Dagg) on the joy of receiving a letter back from his All Black hero Terry Lineen.

I had to have a laugh at John Hawkesby’s account of marking the indomitable Grahame Thorne in a trial match for the Auckland Grammar First XV. Young Hawkesby was by all accounts a useful league player and he was brought into the trial to give the brilliant but greedy Thorne a bit of hurry-up to encourage him to pass the ball more to this wingers. Hawkesby was subbed early in the first half. Thorne for his part scored five tries and within a couple of years was an All Black!

It got me thinking about my own sporting heroes growing up. The 1967 All Blacks Colin Meads, Brian Lochore, Ian Kirkpatrick, Earle Kirton and Tony Steel were my idols. Not far behind was the Southland rugby team of 1969 which also adorned my bedroom wall. The first five-eighth (my position at primary school) was Lindsay Meikle from Mataura and he was my hero from afar.

A few years later I got to play a couple of senior games with him at Riversdale. It’s more than 30 years since I’ve seen or heard from Lindsay. But once a hero, always a hero.

2009-12-17T13:51:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember Southland’s been the poor rugby relation of Big Brother Otago. But no more!

We now are proud owners of the Ranfurly Shield. We now beat Otago more than they beat us. We now have a better talent identification system than them. And we now officially have better rugby coaches than them because ours are good enough to be home grown.

Due to some indescribably bad luck and some incredible stupidity from the selectors of the day, I never got to play provincial rugby. What I did glean though, from a long and less-than-luminous club career was that good coaches were good because they were great man managers and motivators rather than necessarily being brilliant technicians.

And the irony is I reckon, at club level, players need technical coaching more than those at provincial level. Let’s face it, these days if you’re good enough to play for Otago or Southland, chances are you’ve been hot-housed through an age-group talent identification or academy system and have already been exposed to some very technical coaching.

David Henderson and Simon Culhane are proof. Sure, they know their bridge from their gate from their truck and trailer (or whatever other trendy term’s in vogue in rugby these days) but most importantly they know their players, they treasure the heritage of the province and they know what it means to wear the S on the left breast.

They have developed a culture which is unashamedly Southland. And hey - it’s cool to be a Southland supporter these days - if you don’t believe me try buying a Stags’ jersey on the eve of a Ranfurly Shield challenge.

By contrast Otago’s decision to appoint Australian reject Phil Mooney ahead of the iconic southern man David Latta beggars belief! It’s not as though Mooney is the next Rod McQueen, he was red-carded by the Reds after six months!

Mooney may well be an excellent technical coach but I question whether he can instill the one ingredient Otago rugby lacks, on and off the field, at the moment - passion!

A decade ago, on the back of a Super 12 final at Carisbrook and an NPC title, Otago rugby was at an all-time high while Southland struggled with second-rate imports. My how the tide has turned in the intervening 10 years!

2009-12-13T18:17:00.000-08:00

With Christmas just around the corner it is fitting to reflect on the most definitive chronological peg in the sand in history. The birth of Christ more than 2000 years ago is so important we’ve marked time from that point onwards.

Thus we have BC (Before Christ) and AD (Anno Domini – meaning in the year of Christ).
The late Earl Woods once famously declared his son Eldrick (we know him better as Tiger) “will do more than any other man in history to change the course of humanity”. When asked if that included Buddha, Gandhi and Nelson Mandela, he replied "Yes, because he has a larger forum than any of them” (a friend of mine has subsequently, and somewhat wickedly, suggested forum be replaced by harem!).

While Woods senior’s comments were patently overstated, especially in light of recent revelations, it is possible to draw a terminology parallel between his son and the son of God.
As a result, the hitherto god-like Tiger now has his very own BC (Before Crash) and AD (After Disgrace).

I’ve no doubt, after a suitable period of contrition, Tiger will recover as a golfer and surpass Jack Nicklaus’ record 18 Major titles. But will things ever be the way they were BC?

Since he turned professional in 1996, after an unparalleled amateur career, golf has been spell-bound by Tiger. He has been larger than the game. Hell, he has been the game!

The question is, will the game be hell for him, upon his return? I cannot describe how utterly frustrating it is to follow Tiger (as I was lucky enough to do for 10 holes on the final day of this year’s Masters as he went head-to-head with Phil Mickelson) and hear the inane utterance “get in the hole” as he played every shot, including his drives on unreachable 500 metre par fives!

When he returns to golf, he will need all his super-natural powers of concentration to not be put-off by some of the off-colour derivations of the “get in the hole” comment he could face.
2009 will not be remembered as the year Tiger didn’t win a Major. It is the year Tiger will be remembered for digging a hole. “Getting in the hole” is one thing. How he claws his way out of it in 2010 will be fascinating to watch!