Dear Graham

It’s with a heavy heart and a sad soul I write, on behalf of the New Zealand rugby public, imploring you to save us from plague, pestilence, famine and All Black Armageddon.

Your game plan (that’s an oxymoron) is sinful. So I thought I’d remind you of the 10 rugby commandments - as they were laid-out in stone by Vic Cavanagh, then passed on through the ages by such disciples as Fred Allen, Brian Lochore, Grizz Wylie and Laurie Mains.

1/ Thou shalt kick the ball out. Especially in the confines of your own 22 (the old 25 yard mark in biblical terms).

2/ Thou shalt compete at lineout time. It’s not a sin to jump against the opposition! In the ancient times of Saint Colin it was considered a contest to be entered into with much gusto.

3/ Thou shalt not bear false witness at the aftermatch press conference. There is no shame in admitting your sins. A public confession is better than a public flogging.

4/ Thou shalt not covet your opposition’s lineout jumper. We don’t have a Victor so get over it. The prophet Isaac might even go better, if he was left to just jump!

5/ Thou shalt not rotate.

6/ Thou shalt not steal. This commandment actually applies to the Aussies who stole the messiah Robbie and left us with the three wise men, who are still stuck in the stable long after the horse has bolted.

7/ Thou shalt not sub Jimmy after 45 minutes.

8/ Thou shalt remember the Saturday and keep it sacred. For six days you must labour at training but on the seventh you must win a test match.

9/ Thou shalt not take the name of Richie in vain. It’s not his fault. It’s yours!

10/ Thou shalt not try to create a five-eighth in the image of Daniel. He was Almighty in the Lion’s den in 2005. Now you have thrown a hapless Donald to the lions. Carter, the chosen one, might not be fully fit to do the job but that hasn’t stopped you coaching. Go forth, select him, or we’ll end up third!